Once you’ve gotten past the weird feeling that comes over you as you join a lesbian online dating site, the next big feeling is being overwhelmed with filling out your profile.

Depending on the dating site, the number of questions can seem to go on forever. The level of details requested can feel invasive and what do you say about your real age versus your age in Lesbian Years!  Let me be clear – I think its important to be honest about yourself – your age, your body type, your activity level, your life and experiences. Whatever you decide to share, be honest. If you are looking for Ms. Right the worst way to start a relationship is with lies about yourself. So don’d do that, ok?

If you’re joining a site like E-Harmony then you’ve signed on for an assessment process that promises to do the hard work of scouting, sorting and screening other lesbians for compatibility. Some people love this sort of thing. Others would rather spit into the wind than give some database in a cloud that much personal information. Again, it’s personal.

Perhaps you’ve joined a site like Dykefinder. The process is pretty simple here. Now what’s interesting about this site is that it is owned by Tangowire. Tangowire runs a very large database of people with profiles from all over kingdom-come. Those profiles show up on a plethora of dating sites with lots of different names but it’s all the same people.

Dykefinder, Curve Personals, LGBT Lifepartners, Gay Personals, Lesbian Personals, Bisexual, Black Lesbian Personals, Gay Fitness Dating… I could go on, but let’s not. All of these sites run off the same database (geek talk for “bunch” of people) with some minimal sorting.

Wherever you’ve decided to join a lesbian online dating site, you’ve got to get over the hump of the profile. The biggest difficulty anyone of us has is writing about ourselves in that little open box that says – About YOU! The less often you write and the less often you write about your own preferences, likes, dislikes, activities, dreams and wishes… well the harder it is.

So let’s tackle it here – how do you write about yourself?

Well this question may seem lame, but really some gay girls have no idea of where to start or what to say about themselves. You’ve already seen the profiles where a gay girl starts with telling you that her friend says she’s all this and all that.

Personally, I find that to be awkward, maybe a little lazy and mostly boring.  If a woman of age and reason can’t form an own opinion of herself than how are you supposed to form an opinion of her that leads to a date?  You are not dating her friend so why is she part of this profile. So tell her friend to shut up and tell the woman to start talking for herself.

If you were to do a turnaround here, this would indicate that I’m advocating that you don’t have your friend write your ad. Have your friend give you ideas, hints, clues and remind you of some special things you’ve done that anchor your friendship. Then tell your friend to go away while you write.

Now relax. There is no point in getting worked up or nervous. You are the best expert on you there is. You know what you like and dislike.

So let’s start with a blank piece of paper. Get out your favorite pen and answer these questions…

• What makes you laugh?
• What is your favorite movie?
• Who is your dream date actor/actress?
• What is your favorite kind of music?
• Where is your favorite place to eat, favorite snack food?
• How do you drink your coffee?
• Where did you go to college?
• What was/is your favorite job?
• How do you like to spend your holidays?
• What do you really dislike?
• What do you really like?
• What do you really value in a relationship, in a lover?
• What are a few random funny facts about you?
• Do you have specific personal and/or professional goals?
• What do you do for fun?
• Pets?
• Beliefs?
• Religion?
• Family?
• Children?
• Work?
• Play?
• Volunteer?

Look at that! Look at all the things you know about you that anyone online doesn’t know yet.

Next step is to look at how you’ve answered these questions and think about picking a few and adding detail. For example, how do you drink your coffee? You could answer “black.” Or you could answer with details – “I start my days early with the ritual of making coffee. Freshly ground Italian roast beans poured into a French press and covered with just boiled water. Steeped for just about 5 minutes then poured into a small Italian ceramic coffee cup and enjoyed hot and black, while sitting by the window reading morning meditations.”

You could say you love going to movies or tell me that you love Woodie Allen movies and especially enjoyed his latest – Midnight in Paris because you’ve always loved Paris in the rain.  Wow, I know something about you now and I can really feel like we might hold something in common because I love Paris too.

Now a lesbian who is looking at your profile knows something about how you value your morning rituals and that you’ve got very particular ideas about coffee and your mornings. If she values ritual in her life such as making coffee and morning meditations you’ve found something to hold in common. If the gay girl looking at your profile is never up before noon, can’t see anything good about meditating then perhaps she will keep moving along because the lack of connect is obvious.

The goal of a profile is not to write your life’s history. It is to give a sample of who you are. An accurate and honest example of your values, likes, dislikes, hobbies and things you enjoy in life.  But the little details are important. That’s what set’s you apart from every other lesbian that says, “I like romantic dinners, walking the beach and red wine.” Boring…

Two mistakes that women make in profiles is not writing enough and writing too much.

Not writing enough means you’re not giving me a chance to find out a few essential facts in order to decide if I should connect with you. It is important to talk about your requirements if you don’t have a lot to say. When you are clear enough to know your requirements, don’t hide them. This is a great way to immediately sort out women that will never be a good match because they don’t meet your requirements.

Remember requirements are the “MUST HAVE” behaviors in your relationship. Requirements can be anything from Must Want Children to Must Be a Friend of Bill (does not drink.) Stating those “MUST HAVE” items here means you don’t get caught in some weird dilemma later on when you find out she is a closet conservative and you’re a raging liberal activist.

What’s too much? That’s when you go on about what you don’t want. First, it says that you’re a negative Nellie, who actually isn’t ready to be dating. Second, it says you’re approach to life and relationship is stuck in the negative.

If you’re talking about your Ex in your profile, I’m moving on. You too right? If you’re busy telling me what you won’t accept, won’t tolerate, won’t allow and what I should not be, then I’m already moving on before I’ve finished reading your profile. For those of us that work hard to be positive, stay positive and live positive, we’re not going to be hanging out with negative Nellie.

Third, it can say that you’re in an extremely defensive mode and that might make a another gay girl a bit defensive while she’s trying to figure out if you’re trying to be funny or are really pissed off.

Ask your friends to read your profile after you write it. Remember, your friends are not going on those dates, you are. You write your profile. Get opinions and ideas from your friends. Let them point out your grammar and spelling mistakes and tell you if it all makes sense. Let friends remind you of something special you’ve forgotten. Then you decide whether to add it and how much of their opinion to embrace in your profile.

It can be daunting to write a profile for the first time or even the fifth or tenth time. It’s a great exercise in getting to know your self better: listening to your own internal voice and stating clearly what you are looking for in a girlfriend, lover and relationship.

Finally, take another deep breath. You’re done. It’s posted. Yippee!  Your very own lesbian online profile is out there and it’s live. Time to do a little happy dance for all the work you’ve done. Big pat on the back gay girl!!

From here, I’d like to encourage you to come back to your profile every now and again and tweak it. Change a line or two. Update your recent activities or add your thoughts about the book you just read or the trip you just finished. Keep your profile alive and active while you’re on the hunt for Ms. Right.

Next time let’s talk about where to have that first date and is it a date or what?

 

Thanks for being here today! Chin up, stay strong and find a gay girl to hug today!

Hugs to you, Mary

Your Gay Girl Dating Coach

 

Come on over to my Facebook page. I want to see your amazing face and tell me how this article impacted you at my Facebook page for the Gay Girl Community.

 

About Mary Malia:

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Mary is also an entrepreneur, business consultant, dating and relationship coach, speaker, writer, strategist, gay girl community builder, mentor, mom and lover of women of all stripes. She has worked for and consulted with Fortune 500 companies, national non-profits and managed multi-million dollar projects. She has also run multiple small businesses.

As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a  ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!

She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.

Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.

 

 

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