6 Steps to Attracting Love

by Mary Gorham Malia

Is it as simple as 6 steps to attracting love?

You’re looking. Looking and looking and looking.darkgrayhairblueyed 300x199 6 Steps to Attracting Love

But you aren’t attracting love right?

Searching far and wide for that one special and amazing woman to call your own and who wants you to be her’s alone.

Can you see and feel all that energy pushing outward into the world and into that big open space out there?

Can you feel yourself on those days when you’re just over waiting?

Do you feel frustrated and a bit desperate to find that special lesbian.

Are you wondering if you’ll ever find her?

Look I know exactly how you feel. Exactly! Being lonely hurts. Being single when what you really want is a relationship is hard. Watching your friends who are in happy relationships can hurt too. Yeah, I get it. I’ve been there.

Well let’s talk about how you can change things up and instead of looking for love, start attracting love.

I shared this quote with you last week and it still applies…

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”  Albert Einstein

Start being a magnet for love.

You’ve heard about the law of attraction? You’ve heard about “The Secret” right? Maybe you’ve seen the movie or read the book too.

As a lesbian, you may be feeling stymied in your quest for love partly because you cannot envision yourself being in a loving relationship with someone else.

Until you are able to see yourself living the life that you truly want it’s going to be difficult for you to create it.

You see pictures in your head all the time. You are running a movie about your life, your dreams, relationships past and present and every little thing all the time. You have stories you are telling yourself about what you don’t want, what you hate, what drives you crazy all day too.

The Law of Attraction says that what you focus on is what you get.  

So what are you getting? What is showing up? 

Once upon a time I had a story I was stuck in. It was a story about how another woman had done me wrong. She’d made promises and in the movie in my head, she’d broken every one of them. She abandoned me during a very difficult time in my life. In my story, I was a victim, she had infinite power and used it to crush my tender heart.

How do you like it so far?

Yeah, pathetic!!

I was so trapped in that story that I couldn’t get out of my own way to see a better life for myself. I started working with a coach who helped me see what I was doing to myself!

Then I made a commitment to myself and did the work to rewrite that story and give it a new meaning so that I was no longer a victim.

When I could stop being the victim and start to see the good in what happened – I was forced to take ownership of my life at a much deeper level – my life turned around.

Nothing on the outside changed very much at the beginning but what was inside of me changed dramatically. And then the outside world started to shift too.

Are You Focused On An Old Sad Story or What’s Good About Your Life?

Realize that what you focus on becomes what you attract. Focus on not having enough and that’s what you’ll have. Focus on how cheap or tricky or deceitful women are and that’s what you will attract into your life.

Focus on the goodness of life and on being happy in each moment and guess what you’ll attract – more goodness and more happiness.

Really, I’ve learned this the hard way. I’ve learned it by focusing on the negative so much that I wasn’t sure I had a reason to keep living at one point. Then one day I had the realization that I wouldn’t let myself be happy. I was committed to being sad and miserable.

I had 1000 ways to be mad and miserable and only 4 or 5 ways to be happy. I was committed to my depressing awful story because it made me feel significant and it gave me a level of certainty. Now that was a crappy kind of certainty but I falsely believed it gave me some sort of control.

The level of betrayal that happened in my old relationship  stunned not only me but anyone who I told. There was a certain significance that came to me because of that story. I could feel special in a crazy sort of way. People were in awe of what I went through for that relationship and I somehow wanted that. Yeah, sick puppy. I’m over that now!!

I Had a 1000 Ways to Be Miserable and Only 4 or 5 Ways to Be Happy

Then every time I told the story I reinforced my own need for certainty that what happened to me was worse that anything someone else had to go through. (That was my own lie, but a story I hung on to for a while.)

When I made some adjustments on what I really needed and wanted from life all of a sudden holding on to the victim story lost its glory for me. When I decided that what I really wanted was love and connection and not significance the axis my world turns on shifted for the better.

You can do this too. You can make some decisions that shift the direction and trajectory of your life and set you on a path to find someone who is truly special and right for you.

6 Steps to Attracting Love!  

Envision the relationship you want to be in and BE LOVE.

1. Imagine that you live in the most beautiful place on earth. Perhaps it is near the beach or in the mountains or on an island. It’s different for everyone. Then imagine you have your dream home there and no money worries. Imagine. Yes you can.

2. Now imagine you’ve met the perfect gay girl for you. She is your perfect match.You adore everything about her and she feels that way about you. Imagine how you feel. FEEL HOW THAT FEELS. Feel it in your body and heart and mind.

3. Now imagine writing the story of your life as if it were a fairy tale that ends with all of your wishes fulfilled. The perfect lesbian, the perfect place, the perfect day. What does it look like, feel like, sound like and even smell like. What did you do that you are most proud of and how did you show love to each other.

4. Imagine your ideal life and your ideal partner or girlfriend. Enjoy it. Smile. Feel it. Let yourself feel the day and the things that happened. Write it all down in detail. As much detail as you can stand! Give yourself a minimum of 10 minutes working on writing it out. Make it special and wonderful.

5. Imagine being joyful and happy even when you are alone. Being able to focus on your favorite hobbies, projects, pets or whatever creates joy for you. See yourself happy with that girlfriend but also happy spending time alone. See yourself BE-ING LOVE.

6. Then when you’ve spent a good 10 – 20 minutes writing and seeing this great movie in your imagination, take a couple of deep slow breathes and then let the vision go. Just gradually and gently let all the images float away in to the goodness of Spirit, or God or Universe or whatever your truth is about Spirit. Trust that it will come back to you because it will.

This exercise should be repeated over  and over for the next 5 – 10 days. Sit for a few minutes and replay it in your head then let it go. Express your thankfulness and gratefulness for being able to imagine such a wonderful life and give thanks that its coming your way.

So get to it. Do your homework.

Let me know how it goes by posting a comment at the end of the page. I LOVE hearing from you and learning what’s going on in your world.


Thank you and warm hugs, Mary

new email sig 202x300 6 Steps to Attracting Love





About Mary Gorham Malia:

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Mary is also an entrepreneur, business consultant, dating and relationship coach, speaker, writer, strategist, gay girl community builder, mentor, mom and lover of women of all stripes. She has worked for and consulted with Fortune 500 companies, national non-profits and run multi-million dollar projects and companies. She has also run multiple small businesses.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a  ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.

 |Gay Girl Dating Coach |  159 Lincoln St Unit 8 | Westbrook, ME | 04092 | Office: 207-450-1611|

(c) 2014 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
Unauthorized duplication or publication of any materials from this site is expressly prohibited.

pin it button 6 Steps to Attracting Love


Why Introverted Lesbians Need Lesbian Dating Sites

Dear Introverted Single Lesbian, I know it’s hard to get out there and connect with lesbians all the time but there is hope. It’s called lesbian dating sites plus add in new dating skills to get you out there and dating. In the midst of traveling the country with The Gay Girl Love Tour, I’m […]

Read the full article →

She broke up with me out of the blue

Is this you? Three months into a relationship and she broke up with you out of the blue? This kind of ending is tough and pretty common. You thought things were great. You don’t understand what the heck happened. You’d made plans with each other to travel, for the holidays, to do a project on your […]

Read the full article →

Start Your Own Love Tour

The Gay Girl Love Tour  kicked off again late last week, on Thursday. I overslept and got a late start. Had to turn around to go back and pick up my protein powders but fortunately remembered within a mile of home. I’ve probably forgotten something else but as an old pro at this point, what […]

Read the full article →

Here is one big reason why you should be doing lesbian online dating…

As a dating coach, I spend a lot of time talking to single lesbians about using lesbian online dating sites as one important way to meet women. Here is one big reason why you should be doing online dating… Statistics tell us that straight couples using internet dating take only 18 months to get to […]

Read the full article →

Your Lesbian Summer Crush – Did It Work Out?

Did a summer crush sneak up on you? A woman who came out of nowhere and surprised you. Maybe you met at some great lesbian summer festival, a dance, on a cruise or in a meetup group. You weren’t looking for her and she wasn’t looking for you but shazam! Your heart got hooked cause […]

Read the full article →

Life, Love and Dating –Being Vulnerable

It’s been a good long while since you saw an update here on the blog. So I’d like to share some about my life, love and dating experiences as of late. This is me, being vulnerable. And this is a picture of my parents on their wedding day. A beautiful couple indeed who struggled for over […]

Read the full article →

5 Things You Won’t Regret

Regrets, I’ve had a few. Now get determined to have even fewer! Life is rolling by faster and faster and it’s easy to miss what’s important in life, love and living. So today I’m challenging you to step up and eliminate regret!  Gay Girl Toolbox Challenge: 5 Things Not To Regret! There are 5 things […]

Read the full article →

The Gay Girl Love Tour – Summer Route Announced

It’s On! The Gay Girl Love Tour is in full swing June and July. You asked me to please come back! You asked me to please come to more locations! It’s ON gay girl!! I’ll be swinging by a few cities I visited in 2013 then bringing dating workshops to new locations. Is A Dating […]

Read the full article →

Wonder-Women Pride New York City

It’s time to kick-off PRIDE and one of my favorite New York City people makes it happen. Aliya Hallim- Bynn, the founder of Wonder-Women.org cracks open her gay girl tool box to put on one of the best parties for women in the city. It’s the 4th Annual Pride Kick-Off Event! Join Aliya and myself, on […]

Read the full article →