A dating trap is something to be avoided, like a big red flag. But in order to avoid it, you’ve got to see it!
One dating trap I see happen now and again is what I call “Extreme Makeovers.”
Makeovers are all the rage on TV but in real like that’s not usually what you are looking for in your dating life.
Make anything and everything bigger, better, more appealing and attractive with fresh paint, a 5,000 square foot addition or an entirely new wardrobe; that includes you.
With the advent of online dating, this has become a widespread phenomenon and problem but it doesn’t just happen online.
The Extreme Makeover Dating Trap Happens Everywhere
Are you doing this? When you fall into the Extreme Makeover Trap – what is the fear that is controlling you – it’s the fear of not being enough. Nobody will want you as you are. Nobody could love you because you are not the right weight, skin color, age, shape, social status, car, house, clothes, job, eye color, religion, piercings, tattoos, etc. and on and on.
Yes, I’ve been guilty of this in the past. I learned about online dating back in 2001. It was still really new and the innovators who were launching these websites didn’t have a clue about what they were doing. I can’t even remember what I posted about myself way back then, but I know it was an attempt to market myself and appear to be more than what I was at the time – a woman who had just come out, left her marriage, had a young daughter and a high school aged son, full time job in cubicle nation and didn’t have a clue about dating women, let alone being in a relationship with a woman.
Got the picture, yep thought so.
Browse through the personal online dating ads. What do you see? A lot of hype – marketing hype. Now, I’m not saying that women are intentionally telling lies – this is UNCONSCIOUS behavior taking place. When we are hurting in our singleness we often try so hard to look our best that we exaggerate.
This kind of unconscious behavior is why I hear from so many women who complain about women on dating sites being dishonest. Is this you? Here’s your wake-up call! Here’s your chance to clean up your dating act before you lose the chance to date someone great.
Are You Creating Your Own Dating Trap?
Read any ad and ask yourself, “who is this woman really? What is she really telling me and NOT telling me about herself?”
I’ve got a friend who has been running an online personal ad for a while. She asked me to help her out as she wasn’t making connections with anyone she was interested in. I looked at her ad and wasn’t surprised to find that it didn’t really represent her or her life at all.
In her online profile she says she is quitting smoking, going to the theatre and out to movies, loves cooking and traveling. In reality, she smokes like a chimney, never goes out after work and very infrequently on the weekends, hasn’t been to the theatre since I’ve known her, doesn’t cook because she is exhausted after working long days and never travels anymore because of her current job.
Can you say Dating Trap? How about Extreme Makeover?
Remember this is an unconscious choice. My friend got caught up by her desire to find a date and didn’t even realize it. She also fell into the dream of what she’d like her life to be like, but it’s not like that. Get it.
The big problem with this trap is that women find your ad and show up thinking you are your ad. And you show up, thinking this woman is her ad too. By now, we’ve all heard the stories of online dating where the woman you meet is not at all like the online profile.
See, no one had fun with that right. Be your authentic self. If you don’t like your authentic self then you have a another problem that needs to be solved before you’ll ever have real success dating! I’m being a friend here…
So my friend and I rewrote her profile and made it a more accurate representation of her life along with expressing her desire to find the time to travel more often and get cooking back into her life.
Doing this reality check has given her the motivation to actually quit smoking in REAL LIFE! Yippee for my friend.
Guess what. She’s getting really great responses to her current profile. Ummm, imagine that.
Now imagine this… your profile reflects who you really are as a person, what you really value and how you really live your life. No hype. Nothing made up. Nothing that isn’t absolutely true. And someone shows up who is interested in you. The real you, no facades, no masks, just you. Wouldn’t that make you feel great.
No extreme makeover is going to succeed because its not you and you won’t feel comfortable or at ease.
Another way a dating trap or dating marketing happens is when we switch out our usual apparel for something super special for that first date. You know the set up. You’re meeting someone for that first date and you decide to break the bank on a new outfit or an amazing coat or jacket. You go to an extreme picking something you’d never normally chose. It’s a color you don’t like, but you think she might like it. It’s fabric that scratches your skin. It’s too tight or too skimpy. What ever it is, it’s not you.
That feeling of discomfort and dis-ease is going to show up during your date. (ps: DO GET A GREAT HAIRCUT. DO UPDATE YOUR ROOTS IF YOU USE COLOR! Taking care of your hair is basic self care folks!) So if you’re spending money on a new outfit, make sure its something YOU LOVE and will wear again. That feeling great energy is gonna show up and make you much more interesting and comfortable.
Don’t Compromise Your Authentic Self For Someone You Barely Know
Quite a few years ago, I was introduced to a woman and we met to have coffee and get to know each other a bit better. After hanging out with her a couple more times, I was sure that I liked her as a friend and was sure that I didn’t want to go any further than that. I thought I was pretty clear but her next actions show that I wasn’t getting my point across. Insider secret – I was pretty new to dating at that time also.
She invited me to a party at her house. I arrived and a number of her friends indicated that this woman was perhaps far more into me than I thought. As the evening wound down, I was getting ready to leave and she begged me to stay a while longer so she could show me something special. I stayed and finally she brought me into her bedroom to show me this something special. Her sisters had come over that day and totally redone her bedroom for the evening. They had all planned that I would be staying the night. Well, um… WRONG!
Dating Trap Gone Bad!
She and I had really different movies running in our heads. I wasn’t prepared to compromise myself for the sake of her extreme makeover. It was not my job to make this all OK for her. I know some of you struggle with this idea. It’s ok to say NO! Thank you, but NO!
Now I am someone who puts a lot of effort into how my bedroom looks and feels. Colors, textures, fabrics, sound; all of it is important to me. We’d had a conversation about how my apartment was decorated and she’d decided to try and capture my heart by doing an extreme makeover in her bedroom. I had to disappoint her; I did not stay the night. That was the end of the attempt at friendship also.
It’s normal and acceptable to dress up for a date, or clean up your house when company is coming over. There’s a big difference between putting on your best do-dads and getting an extreme makeover.
So Gay Girls, stay tuned for Dating Trap #2 – It’s All About The Wrapper!
And PLEASE leave a comment on this page. Tell me your stories about this dating trap. Have you been the victim of someone’s extreme makeover only to discover she wasn’t what she appeared to be? Or have you made this big mistake and what happened? Share your gay girl wisdom right here.
Xoxoxoxo,
Mary Malia is the Gay Girl Dating Coach. Her mission is to help lesbians break through the barriers to finding love and lasting relationship.
She’s been named #1 on the Top 10 Lesbian Dating Bloggers list. Mary focuses on helping you to love your gorgeous, handsome, sexy and juicy lesbian self while breaking through what holds you back from finding love, being mindful about your whole life and creating more happiness for yourself!
Mary is the founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach and the Live Your Best Lesbian Life Summit. She’s been seen on Huffington Post, Your Tango, Datingadvice.com and the Love On Purpose Revolution.
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