Hey, extreme makeovers are all the rage. Make anything and everything bigger, better, more appealing and attractive with fresh paint, a 5,000 square foot addition or an entirely new wardrobe. That includes you. With the advent of online dating, this has become a widespread phenomenon and problem but it doesn’t just happen online. Extreme makeovers happen everywhere.
When you fall into the Extreme Makeover Trap, what is the fear that is controlling you – the fear of not being enough. Nobody will want you as you are. Nobody could love you because you are not the right weight, skin color, age, shape, social status, car, house, clothes, job, eye color, religion, piercings, tattoos, etc. and on and on.
Yeah, I’ve been guilty of this in the past. I learned about online dating back in 2001. It was still really new and the innovators who were launching these websites didn’t have a clue about what they were doing. I can’t even remember what I posted about myself way back then, but I know it was an attempt to market myself and appear to be more than what I was at the time – a woman who had just come out, left her marriage, had a young daughter and a high school aged son, full time job in cubicle nation and didn’t have a clue about dating women, let alone being in a relationship with a woman.
Got the picture, yep thought so.
Browse through the personals online dating ads. What do you see? A lot of hype – marketing hype. Now, I’m not saying that women are intentionally telling lies – remember this is UNCONSCIOUS behavior taking place. When we are hurting in our singleness we try so hard to look our best that we exaggerate.
Read any ad and ask yourself, “who is this woman really? What is she really telling me and NOT telling me about herself?” I’ve got a friend who has been running an online personal ad for a while. She asked me to help her out as she wasn’t making connections with anyone she was interested in. I looked at her ad and wasn’t surprised to find that it didn’t really represent her or her life at all.
In her online profile she says she is quitting smoking, going to the theatre and out to movies, loves cooking and traveling. In reality, she smokes like a chimney, never goes out after work and very infrequently on the weekends, hasn’t been to the theatre since I’ve known her, doesn’t cook because she is exhausted after working long days and never travels anymore because of her current job.
Can you say Dating Trap? How about Extreme Makeover? Remember this is an unconscious choice. My friend got caught up by her desire to find a date and didn’t even realize it. Get it.
The big problem with this trap is that women find your ad and show up thinking you are your ad. And you show up, thinking this woman is her ad too. By now, we’ve all heard the stories of online dating where the woman you meet is not at all like the online profile.
See, no one had fun with that right. Be your authentic self. If you don’t like your authentic self then you have a another problem that needs to be solved before you’ll ever have real success dating! Just being a friend here…
So my friend and I rewrote her profile and made it a more accurate representation of her life along with expressing her desire to find the time to travel more often and get cooking back into her life.
(Detour: Do have great pictures that show you smiling, doing something you love to do and that really show your full face well lit. It only needs to be one great photo of your face. Get it done professionally or have a friend take them for you. And no your web cam won’t do it. Ugh! Those look like arrest photos! That’s a NO NO!)
So back to my friend… Doing this reality check has given her the motivation to actually quit smoking in REAL LIFE! Yippee for my friend.
Guess what. She’s getting really great responses to her current profile. Ummm, imagine that.
Imagine this… your profile reflects who you really are as a person, what you really value and how you really live your life. No hype. Nothing made up. Nothing that isn’t absolutely true. And someone shows up who is interested in you. The real you, no facades, no masks, just you. Wouldn’t that make you feel great.
No extreme makeover is going to succeed because its not you and you won’t feel comfortable or at ease.
Another way marketing happens is when we switch out our usual apparel for something super special for that first date. You know the set up. You’re meeting someone for that first date and you decide to break the bank on a new outfit or an amazing coat or jacket. You go to an extreme picking something you’d never normally chose. It’s a color you don’t like, but you think she might like it. It’s fabric that scratches your skin. It’s too tight or too skimpy. What ever it is, it’s not you.
That feeling of discomfort and dis-ease is going to show up during your date. (ps: DO GET A GREAT HAIRCUT. DO UPDATE YOUR ROOTS! Taking care of your hair is basic self care folks!) So if you’re spending money on a new outfit, make sure its something YOU LOVE and will wear again. That feeling great energy is gonna show up and make you much more interesting and comfortable.
Don’t compromise your authentic self for someone you barely know
Quite a few years ago, I was introduced to a woman and we met to have coffee and get to know each other a bit better. After hanging out with her a couple more times, I was sure that I liked her as a friend and was sure that I didn’t want to go any further than that. I thought I was pretty clear but her next actions show that I wasn’t getting my point across. Insider secret – I was pretty new to dating at that time also.
She invited me to a party at her house. I arrived and a number of her friends indicated that this woman was perhaps far more into me than I thought. As the evening wound down, I was getting ready to leave and she begged me to stay a while longer so she could show me something special. I stayed and finally she brought me into her bedroom to show me this something special. Her sisters had come over that day and totally redone her bedroom for the evening. They had all planned that I would be staying the night. Well, um… WRONG!
It was an extreme makeover gone bad. She and I had really different movies running in our heads. I wasn’t prepared to compromise myself for the sake of her extreme makeover. It was not my job to make this all OK for her.
Now I am someone who puts a lot of effort into how my bedroom looks and feels. Colors, textures, fabrics, sound; all of it is important to me. We’d had a conversation about how my apartment was decorated and she’d decided to try and capture my heart by doing an extreme makeover in her bedroom. I had to disappoint her; I did not stay the night. That was the end of our budding friendship also.
It’s normal and acceptable to dress up for a date, or clean up your house when company is coming over. There’s a big difference between putting on your best do-dads and getting an extreme makeover.
So my Gay Girls, stay tuned for Dating Trap #2 – It’s All About The Wrapper! If you want to get my mini-book on all 14 dating traps then I invite you to use the form in the upper right corner of this page and opt in to receive the mini-book for free.
- Learn why dating so often fails and should
- Learn why knowing your requirements for a relationship is the most important key to picking the right person
- Learn how dating traps can lead to relationships that blow up
- Get the insider secrets to what is happening in the early stages of dating
- Find out how to recognize dating traps in the beginning
- Discover what it takes to keep a relationship together for the long run.
Do it now, get this free mini-book. Written by me, just for you!
And PLEASE leave a comment on this page. Tell me your stories about this dating trap. Have you been the victim of someone’s extreme makeover only to discover she wasn’t what she appeared to be? Or have you made this big mistake and what happened? Share your gay girl wisdom right here.
Xoxoxoxo, Mary
Your Gay Girl Dating Coach!
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Hi Erma,
You are in a big change cycle. It takes time to get things sorted out. I am glad you are happy with the changes you are making and that you are willing to go slowly. You’ve got a lot of life lessons coming your way, but that’s true for anyone that is growing and expanding. I wish only the best in life and love, Mary