Don’t look for someone to “complete” you. You are already whole! Find someone who compliments you and makes your life better!” – Jen Galvin
What’s your biggest lesbian dating mistake?
This isn’t a trick question. There is no right or wrong answer, there is just your experience or even – experiences. You’re here reading my article right now because you’re single. You don’t really want to be single but here you are single again. Our natural desire to be a couple and to not be alone can lead us to finding someone to fill the void who isn’t good for us. It can mean that we make decisions that aren’t always in our best interest.
Let’s make a list of possible big mistakes:
1. Sex on the first date thinking you’ll hook her that way.
2. Lying about something that eventually came out anyway like you actually still share space with your ex.
3. Playing a movie in your head instead of seeing the reality in front of you. You see yourself married to this woman after one date and then get your heart broken when she doesn’t want to see you again – that’s 1 date or maybe 2 or 3 and your “mistake” broke your heart… (stop that, ok?)
4. Thinking she will change to be more like your dream lover and that never happened did it?
5. Getting involved with someone before you are over your ex thinking that would help you get over your ex.
6. Thinking you can change her which might mean get her to lose weight, change her diet, stop her addiction, start up on your addiction, stop swearing, come out of the closet, change how she dresses or looks, get active and off the couch, and on the list goes…
7. Thinking you can buy love with your money and in the end she just liked what you could do for her.
8. Thinking you can hide your past (that’s different than being over your past so it’s not a current issue in your life.)
9. Thinking someone else will make you happy – no one can make you happy but you so that’s a big mistake.
10. Thinking life is a romance movie because you can walk around with music surrounding every step you take because you’ve got your ipod plugged into your ears. Life is not a happy ever after movie. You knew that right?
11. Thinking “this is ok for now, I’ll tell her later that this thing has to change, it’s not important right now but it can wait till later when we are a real couple…” Ohhh yuck!
12. What else… come on and contribute to this list – add your comments at the end of this article. I know you’ve got some great insight for all of us. Please share!
We have a bad habit. Underneath whatever your big mistake looks like, it’s really this bad habit we have that is the biggest mistake we are making in dating. This bad habit is called compromise at the start. We compromise our truth, our values, our principles, our real needs and our absolute “must haves” to have a relationship that in the end doesn’t make us happy and isn’t fulfilling. Then we end up alone again.
Let’s do an exercise. Let’s look at the definition of compromise and get really clear about what this word means in the world of Merriam Webster Dictionary.
com·pro·mise /ˈkɑ:mprəˌmaɪz/ noun plural com·pro·mis·es
1 : a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group gives up something that was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute ▪ the art of political compromise ▪ To avoid an argument, always be ready to seek compromise. ▪ Both boys will have to make compromises if they are to share the room. [=they will each have to give up something in order to get along] ▪ The two sides were unable to reach a compromise. [=unable to come to an agreement] ▪ a compromise agreement/amendment/verdict/measure
2 : something that combines the qualities of two different things — often + between ▪The style is a happy compromise between formal and informal.
3 : a change that makes something worse and that is not done for a good reason ▪a director who will not tolerate artistic compromise ▪ She says that accepting their proposal would be a compromise of her principles.
When I’ve compromised early on in dating and relationships, I didn’t think I was doing these things. I didn’t think. I was in a trance or in some way unconscious about the consequences. I didn’t realize that I was making an agreement or that I was going to eventually make the situation worse than it should have been and my compromise was not done for a good or right reason.
You didn’t think this either did you but it is where those compromises took us in the end. We compromised ourselves far too early in the dating process and boom it blew up.
Look again at definition #2, you’ll see that compromise isn’t a bad thing all the time. It’s a good thing when you are in an established relationship and it’s done consciously for the well being of your relationship. When you acknowledge with your girlfriend or partner the need to compromise for the well being of each other that’s a beautiful thing that builds and deepens both trust and love for each other.
When you compromise before you’re in a committed relationship, it’s not a mutual agreement. It’s an exclusive arrangement you’ve made with yourself and you’re going to eventually feel used, disappointed, let down, betrayed and angry. This is not a maybe thing, it’s a definite outcome. You know that you did this to yourself right?
Definition #3 states this clearly as an outcome of compromise. You’ve made a change in your values, principles, and requirements – for the wrong reasons – and it will eventually backfire.
As women, we are built to be more open to compromise. Umm, or perhaps I should say I am built to be more open to compromise (I’m a Gemini.) I’ve dated other women who are much more set in their ways than myself (a Taurus for example.) It is my natural tendency to be flexible – and sometimes that has cost me. I’ve thought my ability to be flexible meant I could give up things I valued. I was wrong. So perhaps those less flexible types don’t run into this problem as much? You tell me.
What about you? When you think of compromising early into a dating relationship why does that happen?
Definition #1 says that compromise is when an agreement is reached between two parties and both give up something. Wooh. Wait a minute. BOTH give up something. When you compromise at the beginning of dating someone, what is she giving up? Who are you compromising with since this is at least a two person process. Perhaps she is making the same mistake you are and compromising early on in the mistaken belief that she will get love and acceptance from you.
And you are getting this? You are doing the same thing. Compromising to get something – love and acceptance, security, significance – before you’re even in a real relationship? You’re doing this without involving her in the discussion because in your head something about her is going to change eventually right? Some how she’s going to give you something back for this compromise but she doesn’t know about this little arrangement you’ve made. Oops…
New thought! If it takes two to compromise and both knowingly give up something and you are doing this on your own it’s not a compromise – it’s a sacrifice. You are giving something up (you think it’s temporary) in order to get something else. That’s a sacrifice because “she” didn’t ask you to make a compromise on what you want. She wasn’t in that conversation in your head. She wasn’t in the room in a manner of speaking. You decided this all by your little self. Are you letting your Mini-Me be in charge instead of your Big Girl self?
Apart from making the other big mistake and thinking every date is going to be my next mate for life, it’s all the times I’ve sacrificed myself early in a relationship that I’ve gotten myself into the most trouble. That trouble is getting hurt and I’ve had to realize that most times it’s my own choices that got me into that tight little dark place in my heart.
So what did we learn today? I’ve learned that compromise is not the same thing as sacrifice and neither should be taking place while in the dating stage of a relationship. It is TOO SOON. Don’t do it!
How about you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tell me what you think of this article. Please share your comments further down this page. I really need and enjoy your feedback, your thoughts and your ideas. It’s the fuel that I use for writing and sharing ideas on this blog. Thanks for being here today and sharing.
Here’s another idea for you – come on over to my Facebook page right now. I want to see your amazing face and Facebook is another place where you can share your thoughts and ideas about these articles and about dating in the gay girl world.
About Mary Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Mary is also an entrepreneur, business consultant, dating and relationship coach, speaker, writer, strategist, gay girl community builder, mentor, mom and lover of women of all stripes. She has worked for and consulted with Fortune 500 companies, national non-profits and managed multi-million dollar projects. She has also run multiple small businesses.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgendered women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
{ 1 trackback }