Written by Mary G. Malia
I was thinking about you all day yesterday while focusing on learning how to run this blog and use its technology and features. I want this to be a place where what you find really makes a difference in your gay girl world! In the midst of another 30 minutes of trying to figure out why my lesbian dating tips articles are posted under the HOME tab, I got so fed up with trying to understand the terminology, I had to stop. I am stuck at a communication impasse, I’m a gay girl who is dead in the water. I’m blocked by not being able to get what the heck things mean while my tech resource is off for the day. There is nobody to interpret this tech geek speak for me today. That led me to thinking about you and lesbian dating and words… and a gay girl dating tip!
Some of you may remember the TV game show called To Tell the Truth. There were 4 panelists who interviewed contestants and then had to guess who was telling the truth about some aspect of his or her life and who was lying. It might be considered a forerunner to the current glut of reality shows. Today’s gay girl dating games can often feel like the same thing.
Who is telling the truth? Who is telling a half-truth? Who is the date that is listening closely enough to you that she hears your words and understands exactly what you are saying?
Part of the problem with telling the truth is the actual words. We have to use words and we think of words as having set meanings that we all agree on but that’s not true. The nuances of what a word means to you can be shockingly different from what it means to another person.
Look at the word CAR. You read CAR and see a picture in your head. Perhaps you see a 2011 new gorgeous sparkly blue BMW 525. Chrome wheels, window shades, moon roof and real wood interior. Nice, very nice. Or perhaps you see a beat up 1998 Ford Focus. The faded blue paint is littered with rust spots that make it look like its got freckles and the interior has ripped upholstery, a broken radio, trash and crumbs everywhere and the smell of sour milk. Car. Yeah, you get it.
It doesn’t mean the same thing at all to you and me. We understand that word based on our own personal experiences. We see the car we own at that moment or perhaps one we saw while driving to work that morning or who knows. We don’t see the same thing. We don’t think the same thing. We don’t even know that we don’t understand each other.
This happens with all kinds of words! Take the word Love! It means one thing to me and another to you. How about the word Date! Oh yeah, same problem here. I think date means we are meeting for coffee and to chat for a while to see if we want to spend some more time together. To another woman, date means something serious is about to take place and this is IT! We are not on the same planet at all. In the lesbian world, dating means a lot of different things.
I say I don’t have sex on first dates or even early in a relationship. She thinks it means I keep my pants on but everything else is fair game because that’s what it means to her.
What ever you say to me, it is going through my filters. I hear it in my head with the meaning I attach to it. It is almost sad to think that when we say NO to another woman, she might actually think we mean “well maybe, oh ok.” And sometimes that is what we mean. We can be as confusing as a fog bank.
But what if you’re the one that believes you are crystal clear. Your NO is no. Your YES is yes. You don’t fall in love in 3 seconds or even 3 minutes. And if you thought you were doing that, you’d probably keep it to yourself. If that’s you, well you get a gold star for being so clear inside yourself. But does it translate well? Are you somehow not getting your point across? So no gold star for effective communication.
Next up, what about you gay girls that aren’t so clear about going slow? You do fall in love in a few minutes. You don’t want to take NO for an answer. You’re sure so early on that you scare women away. Your more flexible, you may be more open to exploring what could happen then someone who says she is clear and doesn’t see the need for another date.
Yeah, it all gets messy. A big part of the mess is that the words we use mean different things to me than they do you.
Let’s do it again. When I say the word APPLE, what do you think, see, hear, smell? Guaranteed it’s different then the apple I’m seeing in my head.
So about that date, you say coffee and she sees a romantic corner table in a dimly light coffee shop. You’re not seeing that. Am I making myself clear, as mush?
Next time you are on a “date”, try a different approach to the conversation. Ask her what the word “date” means to her? Ok, that’s too sensitive? How about asking her what the word “partner” means to her? What does she picture when she hears the word. If that word isn’t right, then you pick a word. Car, box, date, partner, walk, hike, camp, dinner, coffee … there are lots of words to chose. Do an experiment to see how many words you see alike and how many you see very differently.
I’ve been learning a lot about this lately in a coaching program I’m attending. Words are labels and we assign meanings that sometimes aren’t even associated with Webster’s Dictionary.
When I say the word “communication” can you now see why it gets so messy? It could be a lot of fun finding out what words mean to that new woman you are interested in. You’d be able to learn so much about her in new ways. And the part of her conversation that strikes you as odd may only be that the words being used mean very different things to both of you.
So to tell the truth, this is one reason lesbian dating can be so hard and so confusing. Does this help?
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About Mary Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a entrepreneur, business consultant, dating and relationship coach, speaker, writer, strategist, gay girl community builder, mentor, mom and lover of women of all stripes. She has worked for and consulted with Fortune 500 companies, national non-profits and managed multi-million dollar projects. She has also run multiple small businesses.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brillant selves and creating extraodinary lives. Her focus on authenicity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgendered women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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