Are You Hiding in the Lesbian Friend Zone?

by Mary Gorham Malia

How many women are in your lesbian friend zone?

iStock 000008979541Small Are You Hiding in the Lesbian Friend Zone?

Are you approaching dating like you’re looking for friends?

It’s a woman thing.

We want to be friends with everyone –  our ex girlfriends, their ex’s, our ex’s ex’s, ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends and their girlfriends and the list goes on.

This sometimes OCD behavior leeks over into the dating zone.

We think the way to find love is to approach everyone as our friend first.

You think, let’s be friends first and then we’ll be lovers if I like you enough as a friend.

You are sort of saying something like that and it sort of sounds right. It sort of sounds like a sensible thing to do. But is it?

Honest truth is that my friends are my friends because I don’t want them as lovers!

I can be their friend because I don’t take them home with me every night and when I’m tired of them, I can leave wherever we are and go do something I want to do.

And one of the joys of friendship is that you want to see them again, spend time with them again and you’re friends are the folks that stick with you when your girlfriend or partner leaves.

Can You Hide That You’re Attracted To Your Friend?

Honestly, I don’t do well with just hanging out with someone who really turns me on and then having to act ok with just being a friend. It will get messy. If there is a DO NOT ENTER sign posted there, I’m gonna find something else to do with my time instead of torturing myself wanting something I can’t have. I don’t know about you, but that’s me.

Life is complicated enough and I hate making something more complicated than it needs to be. I’ll admit that as lesbians we are really good at doing this – making everything super complicated. UGH

You Can’t Put Every Women You Meet IN The Lesbian Friend Zone!

Gay girls spend far too much time spinning our wheels trying to be just friends with women who want to be our lovers or with women we want to be our lovers who want to just be friends. We fantasize that maybe she’ll come around so we play a game with just how honest we are about what we really want. Ugh! What a big waste of energy.

Many women are STUCK because they are in this game. You LOVE your FRIEND; not in the friend way but in the lover way. It’s pretty clear you’ll never have her as a lover, so you can’t have what you want. Instead you torture yourself every day by spending time with her and being happy with the crumbs of a real relationship.

Do You Want To Date or Do You Want To Find Friends?

I think we are doing each other a huge disservice by playing the friends first card with every woman we meet.

Look here is what happens…

Imagine you are out on a date with a woman you think you might really like. She is not looking at you as “a friend” if she accepted the date from you in the first place. You do understand this right?

If you approach a date with the attitude of “we are going to be friends” then what you bring to the date is your “B game.” You are playing it safe. Dating is not about being safe! To find love you will have to risk your heart.

You show up with friend energy not date energy.  You lay back, you hide out, you don’t explore as much, and you don’t engage her heart. You don’t flirt!  You’ve got to engage her heart in order to win her heart.

You hold back your desires, feelings and emotions. You are basically in your head during the entire date, just being a “good guy” and probably agreeing with everything she says.

By Playing It Safe You Get Exactly What You Fear Most,  You Get Put In The Friend Zone.

Everything we do in life is driven by our mindset. Dating is all about mindset. The women I know that feel good about dating and meeting that special woman have amazingly positive mindsets about themselves and about dating.

Regardless of the terminology, when you’re out on a date it’s all about your mindset and how you interact with the woman. It’s all about your eye contact, your smile, and touching her hand across the table as she’s telling a story.

Bringing you’re “A game” means letting go of playing safe and really being yourself so she’s able to become attracted to you. If you do nothing on a date except think and think and think, then guess what? You will never create any type of sexual attraction, because a woman will see that you are in your own head.

When You’re Totally In Your Own Head, You Can’t Get Into Her Heart

So, how do you do this? How do you stay out of your own head, tap into your emotions and trust yourself to the moment?

You must stay present. You listen to her stories. You smile. Maybe you hold her hand.  There is no right or wrong time to hold somebody’s hand. You do it when you feel it and of course she accepts the gesture.  You use rapport building skills, like subtly mirroring the speed of her speech, how she crosses her legs, smile when she smiles and take a sip of your drink when she does. This creates a subtle rhythm that creates connection.

Do This Exercise And Learn To Tap Into Your Emotions And Differentiate Between Friends And Lover Emotions

Think about one of your best friends and tell them how you feel about them.

Describe what it feels like to be friends with this person. What does it feel like from your perspective?

Then imagine what it feels like to be friends with yourself…

Describe what it feels like to really reach deep inside yourself and see who YOU really are.

Doing this enables you to see what your prospective date sees, from a fresh perspective.

Now imagine yourself as a lover. Feel how different that feels from being a friend.

What different parts of yourself show up as a lover than as a friend?

Now imagine being on a first or second or third date with you.

That woman is going on this date for the same reasons you are – to find out more about you, to enjoy herself, and hopefully establish a love connection.

How To Bring Your “Lover” With You On A Date

If you take the time to think about what qualities you display to your friends that make you a good friend, you’ll be more aware of them and she’ll instantly pick up on them. This will allow you to get out of your head!  But don’t get trapped in the friend zone, remember to bring those parts of you that are the lover to the table in an appropriate way. A lover might say – you have an amazing smile. Your face just lights up when you smile. I’m enjoying that. A friend isn’t going to say that.

You all know what it’s like to connect with people. You connect with friends, family, and co-workers.

It is no different to connect with a woman on a date. It takes being present. It takes enjoying yourself in the moment. It takes letting go.  And it takes stepping out of the friend zone and into your lover self.

If you do all of those things, you won’t be in the friend zone. You’ll be in the lover zone.

And finally, if a woman says she just wants to be your friend and you know you want so much more, my advice is to gently, calmly and quietly walk away cause its just going to make you crazy!

Take a minute and share with me what you think. Do you agree? Do you disagree? Here’s where the discussion takes place cause I do want to know what you’re thinking… Leave me a comment now right below this post.

Sending you a big hug!!!

new email sig Are You Hiding in the Lesbian Friend Zone?




Mary Gorham Malia is the Gay Girl Dating Coach. Her mission is to help lesbians break through the barriers to finding love and lasting relationship.

She’s been named #1 on the Top 10 Lesbian Dating Bloggers list.  Mary focuses on helping you to love your gorgeous, handsome, sexy and juicy lesbian self while breaking through what  holds you back from finding love, being mindful about your whole life and creating more happiness for yourself!

Mary is the founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach and the Live Your Best Lesbian Life

Global Tele-Summit. She’s been seen on Huffington PostYour and the Love On Purpose Revolution.

 She’s available for speaking engagements, workshops and teleseminars. You can work with her on as a VIP Client with private one on one coaching or get access to her power-packed dating strategies with her self-study program called




pin it button Are You Hiding in the Lesbian Friend Zone?

{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: