She said yes and it’s our First Date!
You met her online. She lives fairly close to you and she said yes to a first date with you. Now what? Keep it simple, sweetie!
Here’s where so many of you go wrong. You make the first date into a big ordeal. You over plan. You wait too long to meet her. You spend too much money. You get emotionally strung out and you haven’t even met her yet.
You’re guilty of the mistake all of us as humans make. You’re living in the future in your head already. You’re looking down the road and seeing yourself with this woman. You’re imagining what it might be like. You’re seeing yourself with her and sharing things you love to do, places you love to go and stories of your life.
Yeah, it all seems so innocent but you’ve projected yourself into a relationship that isn’t even real yet. My advice, please stop now!
First Dates should be short and simple!
In addition to that, I always recommend that a first date be kept short! Short and simple! Meet for coffee or a glass of wine. Don’t create an elaborate day of hiking or going to a daylong event. Don’t invest in expansive tickets to a concert or a show.
If you discover you can’t stand her, you are stuck or you have to become very rude to end a long event early. If you’re only meeting for coffee it’s over fairly quickly. A glass of wine might help ease the disappointment but again, if she’s just not for you, it’s over quickly.
If you really like her and the feeling is mutual it becomes really easy to extend coffee into brunch or a glass of wine into dinner. Or to make plans to meet again soon and make it a longer date.
My first date with someone I met online happened when the whole online thing was really new. We met for a glass of wine. It turned into two glasses of wine but I never dated her. We tried to be friends for a while, but that didn’t work either for many “complicated” reasons. One reason being I fell hard for one of her friends who I did date for a while.
But let’s remind ourselves why online dating doesn’t always work. She has bad pictures or old pictures of herself. When you meet her, she doesn’t look anything like her photos. This is a reminder to make sure you’re doing a truth in advertising campaign. Your pictures are an honest reflection of how you look now, not 10 years ago right?
She withheld important information. Let’s hope not but some women don’t think they should tell you the whole truth upfront. They want to believe that after you meet her, you’ll be so enraptured that you won’t care that she’s still married, or just recently separated from her partner, or has two kids that live at home, or that she is working on becoming pregnant, or she just recently came out, or she’s transgendered or bisexual.
All of these things count as very important facts that should be shared. I’ve met all kinds of women through online dating and if the first thing I learn is that she’s not telling the truth about herself in one arena, I wonder where else she’s lying to the world and to me. It’s a deal breaker for me. What about you?
Before this becomes a rant fest, I do want to say is that I think it takes a lot of courage to say you are transgendered or bisexual. I know so many lesbians that are up in arms about bisexual women – maybe with some valid reasons related to their personal experience – but your experience isn’t the barometer for the behavior of all bisexual women.
Transgendered women probably face the biggest struggle overall in finding relationships but I know many transgendered individuals who are in successful relationships. You don’t have to date them but please don’t hate them either. Give them a hand for their courage in facing life and living their truth.
Now getting back to that first date…
You’ve picked a place to meet. You’ve communicated your intention with your date to keep it short and sweet so she understands the deal.
You might do some reference checking. Ask your friends if anyone knows her. Google her. Yes I did say that. You’d be amazed at what shows up online these days about you and your friends and others. If you twitter, Google tracks it. If you Facebook and your profile is public, Google tracks that. If your name is associated with your workplace on a website, Google tracks it.
If you search for me, Mary G. Malia, you’ll get as many as 18,000 results. Now I’ve managed to create some traffic on the web but that’s not all me. You’d be able to construct some interesting information about my last 8 years of life based on what’s on the web about me. My Linkedin profile, Facebook and Twitter are there. My invitation to a White House event is there along with work I did as Executive Director for two nonprofits, a couple of nonprofits boards I’ve been on and a committee to provide feedback on a Federal project. And then there’s my consulting business, YouTube and Vimeo accounts. Every website where I’ve left a comment also shows up. It’s pretty amazing what Google does and you should know about it.
Do you see a theme here? I hope so. Your social media profiles and any other place you are on a public domain on the web is searchable. The same holds true for your date.
So check out yourself and then check out your date. This is not snooping because this information is available to the entire world. I call it fact finding. You can get a sense of who this woman is. It’s one form of references. Ask your friends if they know her and check online.
First date to second date
Dating is about taking chances and a first date isn’t the biggest chance you’re going to take in life. It’s one step. With each step or date, you decide if you’re going to take another step. It’s simple really.
You control your risk by keeping those first few dates simple and easy but you can still make it special. If the first date is a success, keep to the formula of KISS – keep it simple sweetie – for the next few dates too.
Take your date to a beautiful park for a simple picnic. Enjoy beautiful scenery, great sandwiches with a glass of something cold and sparkly. Or maybe a walk through a museum with a wonderful exhibit going on. Or perhaps you’d both like a ball game because you’re both fans of the same team. Maybe a walk on a hiking trail with your dogs. Simple and sweet.
You and your date are both exploring and learning about each other. You’re both asking questions and sharing information. Be a great listener. Listen more than you talk. When she’s told you a long story and finishes, ask her to tell you more about it.
Listening is for another blog article actually, so let me finish by saying, I wish you’d share some ideas you have or things you’ve done for a first date. Share your creativity and help a few sisters out!
Leave a comment below and tell us a great date idea today. Do it now! And Thanks!!
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life and divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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