Do You Feel Invisible? Part 2

by Mary Gorham Malia

In order to find love, you have to let yourself be seen. Yep, take off your invisibility cloak and show off your amazing lesbian super powers. So do you feel invisible? Let’s talk…

I used to live my life feeling invisible. My invisibility cloak would show up everywhere and at the most unusual moments. But mostly it showed up when I felt insecure and uncomfortable in a situation.

One of my particularly odd ways I demonstrated just how bad I felt about myself was I always thought people never remembered meeting me. I’d be out somewhere and see a woman I’d been introduced to across the room. Or she might even walk right by me, and I’d tell myself that she didn’t remember me or didn’t even see me.

I would react by putting on my invisibility cloak and turning away, avoiding eye contact and not initiating a connection.

Yes I was weird and acting invisible. iStock 000002680713XSmall 300x199 Do You Feel Invisible? Part 2

Ok, call me weird. That was weird. But I was trapped in my stinky thinking. With some great coaching I started to rip off that invisibility cloak and started to show up in life and in the world and started using my lesbian super powers.

What did that look like? Well one example is something that seemed to happen often to me. I am a walker. I love living in a city and walking everywhere. Often I would be the only person on the block going in one direction and suddenly someone else appears across the street walking in the other direction. Then that person would cross the street at some odd angle and come right at me.

If I’m Invisible Why Do People Run Into Me?

Now really that always struck me as a bit odd. There is no one else around, there are plenty of open sidewalks but this person was literally going to walk right into me unless I moved or spoke up. So when I was acting like I was invisible, I’d just make room, move over, step back or something like that but never look the person in the eye or say hello.

Then one day it dawned on me that the universe was trying to get through to me. That people practically walking into me wasn’t a complete accident but that it was the universe telling me that I was visible and belonged here. And that the universe is full of people whose paths I am supposed to cross and we are meant to connect with each other.

So I stopped getting out of the way and would actually look the person in the eyes, smile really big and say HI! How are you? Great day right? Or crappy weather or what ever seemed appropriate. Then I would step out of the way unless that person had already stepped to the side.

It made life more interesting and fun. It made me realize how much of my discomfort I am creating. Life wasn’t happening to me. Once I started to use my super power of “being a visible force on the earth” life started to happen through me. I started to feel like I belonged here and stopped feeling so lost.

I’ve learned how to connect with people by being willing to change even when I didn’t always know how.

Now what’s sort of funny about all this is that I’ve been in some pretty visible job situations. I’ve worked with CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies and met with Senators and Representatives in Washington, DC to fight for the rights of children in foster care and homeless teens. I’ve been part of some very visible organizations that required me to be seen and to be the lead on very large projects.

But emotionally, I was still being invisible. In my head, I had created a line in the sand that said even in these highly visible situations, no one really saw ME! They saw the title and the job duties. Ok, yeah that’s a bit wacky too but I never said I wasn’t a bit wacky.

HInvisibleWomanpink 200x300 Do You Feel Invisible? Part 2ow Can You Date if You Are Invisible?

So let’s wrap this back around to the idea of dating and finding love. It’s hard to get a date when you’re being invisible (or hiding out!) It’s possible that you don’t realize you are playing the “I’m invisible” game but I see it all the time.

You might want to ask your friends if they’ve noticed that you pretend to be invisible or that you hide yourself and send out a steady signal that says “stay away”.

So are you ready to take a chance on changing this? Are you ready to be seen? Ready to take of your cloak of invisibility? Yah! I thought so.

I want to invite you one more time to imagine what life and love would be like if you just actually fell in love with yourself, your body and your life. Just as it is right now. Just as you are right now. Not tomorrow or next week or next year. Right now.

Take a deep breath and let that in.

When you stop struggling with who you are and what you look like, you start to be at peace with life and with others. You stop needing to hide pieces of yourself away.

And you will be shocked to discover that if you allow yourself to have this whole new relationship with yourself, suddenly others find you irresistible. You start to magnetically attract interesting people into your life.

People feel your discomfort with yourself.

Other people feel your discomfort with your body and your self. It repels them. So when you shift that energy to being accepting and loving of yourself, guess what happens? Other people FEEL you as an accepting and loving person and want to be around you.
We all want to be around people that are comfortable in their own skin.

You can cultivate this connection with yourself without losing weight or fixing whatever it is you think is broken about yourself.

Let me share one more story with you. I had a client I’ll call Cindy. She is in her early 40’s and she weighed over 250 pounds. She was sure she would never find a girlfriend or life partner.

Well after working with her for a while, she not only met a wonderful woman but they are getting ready to get married. Cindy’s partner loves her just the way she is.

Screen Shot 2012 08 21 at 3.18.01 PM Do You Feel Invisible? Part 2What happened? Cindy shifted how she saw herself and her body. She took off her cloak of invisibility, embraced her large body and loved herself just the way she was. She found her peace and found her big sensual self.


Put your Invisibility Cloak in the Closet. Not you! 

What’s possible in your life is only limited by you. Get ready to be seen. It’s time to hang your cloak in the closet and come all the way out into your beautiful gay girl self.

So take a minute to share with me how you’ve been invisible and what you are going to do to make a change and let yourself “be seen.” I can’t wait to hear your great ideas and insights.


Sending you warm hugs!

MGMsignature Do You Feel Invisible? Part 2





Remember happiness is more than a date!

 Do You Feel Invisible? Part 2



Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life and divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.


Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC | PO Box 10924, Portland, ME 04104 |

| Office: 512-544-7494|

© 2012 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
Unauthorized duplication or publication of any materials from this site is expressly prohibited.




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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

wendy August 23, 2012 at 9:12 AM

I know that cloak of invisibility well. I wore it for years. You are right about embracing yourself so that others will be drawn to you. Now when I am at a function – I look up and smile at women that are looking at me, instead of looking at the floor and shuffling away. It makes a world of difference and I’m meeting lots of new women. ;-)

BTW, I’ve been out for many years and I’m going to be 50 in two months. I wouldn’t trade my peace of mind or confidence at 50 for anything in the world. Thanks for your encouraging posts. :-)


Sophie Navarro August 23, 2012 at 12:02 PM

Thank you for this post! I’m recognizing I’m hiding in a bit due to past failed attempts to dating. I’m feeling more protective since I have a small child and don’t want to get attached to anyone too soon, too quick and have it affect our world. Being a single mom is hard enough and to let someone in right now is very hard. I worry if they see me, the chaos, the constant interruptions, see my distracted mind and not truly be able to be present with them 100% of the time, I worry no one will want to date me or be patient with me. I need that for a relationship to work. Patience, understanding and faith.

However, what I’m realizing is maybe now is not the right time for me. I can just use this time while he’s 2 and start building a foundation of being the best mom I can be. I get to know myself better and see what makes me happy. I’m learning not to rely on someone making feel good all the time. It really comes down to me being patient where I’m at in my life today, tomorrow and in the future.

I have been noticing some attention from some ladies lately, however I’m not ready yet. This is where I do hold up my invisible cloak since it makes sense for me now. Beau and I are a package deal. They are getting to know both of us and that’s a big deal. When the time is right, it will be awesome!


Joyce August 23, 2012 at 9:59 PM

I can see that I do the invisibility thing a lot. The weird thing is that I do feel like I love myself. But I somehow don’t expect others to see me the way I see myself; and I end up feeling apologetic for liking them. I think it goes back to my early years, and always hearing “You’re too quiet”. That kind of became my identity. Anytime you’re too much of something, it’s bad.

These days, I’m fighting back, by being a standup comic. But it hasn’t changed things when I’m off the stage.

Side note: (Another part of your blog that rang true) – I do hate my big mid-section, and I have often thought that I will be better at this when I’m back in shape.


Mary August 30, 2012 at 1:07 PM

Hi Joyce,
Awesome that you are doing standup comedy. I have a local friend who was terrified of speaking to people and stammered. She got into improv to change that. Then she got into standup comedy. Then she won BEST COMIC in Portland, ME in 2008 (I think it was 2008). She’s not shy anymore!

We can’t keep waiting to loss weight or get in shape or move more. Either DO IT or don’t, but live your life full on everyday.
Thanks for sharing. hugs to you, Mary


Tracy August 30, 2012 at 2:40 PM

I feel invisible for a different reason – I look very feminine. How are other women supposed to know I’m gay when I’m out somewhere? It’s very frustrating because women are so very critical of my appearance – I look “too straight”. And I understand that transgendered women have a very difficult time finding someone, but what about feminine women who are only attracted to other feminine women? I’m not attracted to any other type of woman, so I’ve found that it’s very hard to find someone else when you don’t know if the other is gay. I’m not a club goer and I’ve never had any luck with online dating, so what’s a femmy gay girl to do? Talk about feeling invisible!


Kristi September 22, 2012 at 8:53 PM

What if you like everything about yourself except that others don’t like you?
Like, I love my body, I like my face. I consider myself intelligent and creative and interesting…I just don’t like the fact that I haven’t had a lot of success catching the interest of other women..
Straight men chase after me incessantly even when I go out of my way to act invisible around them; gay women reject me incessantly even though I make the first move.
I really, really want to change this part of my life, and want my first relationship. But I’m not exactly sure what it is that I’m doing wrong?
Or maybe it’s something I’m not doing? Ugh. Confusion.

(Sorry I kind of made this in two posts. I started writing on the first page before I realized there was a part 2 haha)


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