As I am writing this morning, I’m sitting in a swank little coffee shop in the West Village called the Roasting Plant. Each cup of coffee is custom brewed which is pretty cool. I was able to grab a green drink on my way here this morning so I’m juicing and getting my caffeine fix at the same time.
I woke up thinking about first dates and one I had here in New York City. I’ve had many first dates that never went any further. About 18 months ago, I had a first date here in the Village. We met at Cloony’s, a great restaurant and enjoyed dinner and lots of laughter. I was very interested in seeing her again but she decided she was not interested in a long distance relationship. I appreciated her honesty and we were both disappointed because we liked each other. There was definitely a big spark, but no is no.
That’s one reason for many women to keep it local when dating. You know you never leave your neighborhood or local area. You know you want your honey to be close and available.
Perhaps you’ve tried the distance thing and discovered it’s a ton of work cause it is, that you never have to deal with when dating locally. So let’s talk about that first date with the local gay girl.
You’ve finally asked that amazing local lesbian out, she said yes and there’s a first date in your future. Yippee for you. Hopefully it’s scheduled sooner rather than later.
Or maybe you’ve been fixed up by one of your matchmaker friends. I’ve also done this twice while in New York City. My good friend here really wants me to have a New York City girlfriend so I’ll be here more often. While I’m open to the idea, so far nothing has come of blind dates.
Now I’m not opposed to blind dates as long as everyone has clear expectations about what might or might not happen. And meeting someone through online dating is just another form of a blind date.
When you ask someone out directly, you’ve already gotten some kind of lay of the land. You’ve seen her and you know you’ve got an initial attraction to the way she looks, dresses and acts. Maybe you’ve actually had the chance to get to know her as a friend and you realized you’ve got a growing interest in her.
Whatever sparked your interest, you were brave enough to ask so congrats to you on taking action.
Putting yourself out there to ask a gay girl out can make you feel vulnerable. Maybe you struggle with that, I know I do. I always have the same conversation with myself when I’m getting ready to ask someone out, which is I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. A woman telling me “no” has nothing to do with my value or sex appeal or really anything except she is not interested.
And I promise, that it doesn’t hurt so badly that you can’t get up in the morning and go about your day.
If you read Part 1 on Monday, I laid out the idea of keeping our first date short, sweet and simple. Well that applies to your first date, too. Nothing is different actually except you asked someone out without the help of the internet.
So do you Google her too? If you want, you certainly can. If she’s local, you probably know someone that knows her. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, so when someone is giving you a character reference on another woman, be sure to take it with a grain of salt ok?
You might be talking to an ex-girlfriend who is still carrying a grudge and is happy to attempt to get even by creating drama around their past relationship which may bear no resemblance to the truth of what happened.
I can tell you from my own personal experience with an ex that at one point in time, I would have told anyone she was just nuts. Since then I’ve had the chance to get to know her as a friend and not a lover. This shift in perspective has allowed me to see her differently and really appreciate the real reasons our relationship didn’t last and how I contributed to it not working (with my own version of crazy).
When a woman tells you someone is just horrible but she dated that woman for a good long while, I have to wonder what the real story is because I know I’m not hearing it.
Let me get back to the first date part – keep is short and simple. What I told you in Part 1 applies here as well. Do the same!
And go with an open heart, open mind and be a great listener. Why? Because the more you let her talk, the more you will learn about her. Isn’t that the goal? To learn about her. If you do all the talking that feels good for you. We all LOVE to talk about ourselves and have someone listen. Golly, I know I love it and I love when someone is a really great listener. What does a really good listener do? She keep’s asking you questions about what you are telling her. She doesn’t turn it into something about herself.
Ok, so an insider clue here. There aren’t many women who practice being good listeners. You could be one of them and believe it or not, it’s a powerful skill to be able to use.
When you are the active listener, you actually put yourself in the power seat. You are learning important things about who she is, how she communicates, what she values and how she lives her life. This shows up even in casual conversations right?
You are also making her feel valued and appreciated. You are making her feel special and interesting. You are showing through your action of listening that you are a caring person.
First dates have to happen in order to get to a relationship but you’ll be happier if you keep the first date in perspective. I’ll say it again keep it simple and SWEET and enjoy it.
I’d love to hear some of your first dates stories. Share them here with me in the comments section. I’ll be checking in to read them!
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life and divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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