I’ve been in and out of the lesbian online dating scene over the years and I have first hand experience with how difficult dating can be. I’ve got loads of lesbian and straight friends in the same boat.
Some seem to glide in and out of their dating relationships with barely a ruffle. Others have a much harder time.
No matter the reason we are single, most gay girls definitely consider online dating these days. The process of entering the lesbian online dating world can be very overwhelming if you are new to it.
It can feel like you are being exposed, it can feel invasive or it can feel just the opposite – cold and distant.
I’m in my 50’s now. As I got older, online dating seemed to be more and more difficult. And yeah, I can say the same thing lots of women say – I’m younger than my years, more active than most 30 year olds and don’t look my age but I’m content to be my age. I’m settled on enjoying the wisdom of my years and not reliving my younger years of stupidity. I don’t want to be 20 or 30 or even 40 again. Well maybe 45-49 again. I enjoyed those years a lot.
The point is that I noticed at the time my age got closer to 50, that the dating opportunities seemed to plummet. At the same time, I see more and more women that are 40 and 50 and 60 and 70 going online with the desire to find a relationship. I think its great to be looking out there but it has it’s limitations.
Online dating starts out as a very exciting adventure. You are full of hope and anticipation. You register, set up your profile, load up a picture, and pay a fee and whoosh you are ushered into a database with thousands and thousands of women. The initial searches begin. Reading profiles and looking at pictures is fascinating.
Your fantasy is that lesbian online dating is like unlimited cake and ice cream!
You’re sending winks, pokes, kisses and smiles to women all over the world. There is cake and ice cream everywhere and you’ve got a fork. You dig in.
You are seeing women from all over the world and you get to filter down to your local area. Perhaps you do free form searches like who is online right now. Then there are custom searches where you can search according to criteria the online dating service provides. Things like eye color, hair color, height, body type, smoking, drinking, education, religion, ethnicity and interests. These are all things related to the package but not the heart of a woman.
Lesbian Online Dating – lots of choices but few options
First it looks like paradise and then you discover it can be hell out there. Your search results load and it could be either great or awful.
It can be a mix of women you find interesting or women you wouldn’t ever date. You know this right?
What do we see first? Most often the first thing we notice about each profile is the picture, then perhaps where this woman is located and age. We might read her tagline or not. We scroll through the pictures and perhaps move right on from there to the next picture that catches our eye.
When a picture captures our eye, we read her profile. You might have particular things you look for in a profile. Relationship status or hobbies, sports, last book she read, pets and any other thing that is of particular importance to you.
Here’s what you should remember – you are ONLY LOOKING FOR ONE GREAT MATCH!
What’s In an Online Dating Profile and What’s Missing?
While you look at what a woman does write about in her profile, it’s also important to notice what she does not include in her profile. For example, let’s say you love to travel. Your profile includes a statement that says, “Must have passport and love to travel.” You get an email from a woman who you find very attractive in her photos but as you read her profile, do you notice where it says that she loves to be at home, cooking up a storm, hanging with friends and family and visiting the local parks. This lovely woman never once mentions that she travels though she does say that she’s lived in the same house most of her life.
What’s your next step? Get information. Email back and ask her questions about traveling. This is a requirement for you but doesn’t seem to show up in her profile. What else is a requirement for you and is missing? The lesbian who emailed you missed it! She might not have even read your profile.
If you want to put some structure around your dating life, get to know your own requirements for a relationship. These are more than what you want in your partner. Requirements are the make it or break it “must haves” for you in a relationship. And your partner has them also. It’s great if you have the same requirements. Like you both love to travel and its part of how you live your life. You can’t imagine never seeing other parts of the country or never traveling overseas. Wouldn’t it be better if you don’t date someone who never wants to leave her hometown?
My son was in the Marines and was sent to Iraq early in the war. When he returned he swore he never wanted to travel again. He definitely doesn’t ever want to see a desert again. Five years after his discharge and he still doesn’t want to travel. I, on the other hand can’t imagine not traveling. His girlfriend likes being close to home. I’m traveling with the Gay Girl Love Tour. My son and I are both happy about our traveling arrangements!
Now going back to that really attractive woman who doesn’t travel. You’re getting pretty interested in her looks, her package. You’re thinking she seems nice and her emails are interesting. You’re thinking she might be worth meeting.
I’m going to suggest that you think twice about even meeting a woman for a date who does not meet your requirements.
The process of scouting, sorting, and screening that you do with an online ad is exactly how conscious dating works. You know your requirements, wants and needs in a relationship. You have a clear picture of your goals for your life and what you can bring to a relationship and what you want from a partner.
Why would you start dating someone who isn’t going to be able to meet one of you basic requirements for a good relationship? Well if you don’t know what your requirements are, its easy to get lost in who you date and why.
If you are clear about your requirements, needs and want, these boundaries that you’ve created will save you a lot of dating misery. You can scout and sort out right from the start the women that aren’t a great match for you. Then you move into screening over the next few dates until you can determine, is she a good match or not and move on.
Remember, we don’t have to be friends with everyone we date. Dating is not the same as being partnered, committed or married. It’s a testing ground. Test, test and retest until you find the right fit.
Don’t make those big compromises now, because compromise should be saved for an exclusive relationship.
Tell me what your top 3 requirements are for a long term relationship! I’d love to know because as I travel, I’m learning that women have all kinds of requirements. Share your’s in the comment section below! Help another single gay girl out.
xoxo,
Mary Malia is the Gay Girl Dating Coach. Her mission is to help lesbians break through the barriers to finding love and lasting relationship.
She’s been named #1 on the Top 10 Lesbian Dating Bloggers list. Mary focuses on helping you to love your gorgeous, handsome, sexy and juicy lesbian self while breaking through what holds you back from finding love, being mindful about your whole life and creating more happiness for yourself!
Mary is the founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach and the Live Your Best Lesbian Life Summit. She’s been seen on Huffington Post, Your Tango, Datingadvice.com and the Love On Purpose Revolution.
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