I’ve been in and out of the lesbian-dating scene over the years and I have first hand experience with how difficult dating can be. I’ve got loads of lesbian and straight friends in the same boat. Some seem to glide in and out of their dating relationships with barely a ruffle. Others have a much harder time.
No matter the reason we are single, most gay girls will consider online dating these days. The process of entering the lesbian online dating world can be very overwhelming if you are new to it. It can feel like you are being exposed, it can feel invasive or it can feel just the opposite – cold and distant.
I’m in my 50’s now. As I got older, online dating seemed to be more and more difficult. And yeah, I can say the same thing lots of women say – I’m younger than my years, more active than most 30 year olds and don’t look my age but I’m content to be my age. I’m settled on enjoying the wisdom of my years and not reliving my younger years of stupidity. I don’t want to be 20 or 30 or even 40 again. Well maybe 45-49 again. I enjoyed those years a lot.
The point is that I noticed at the time my age got closer to 50, that the dating opportunities seemed to plummet. At the same time, I see more and more women that are 40 and 50 and 60 and 70 going online with the desire to find a relationship. I think its great to be looking out there but it has it’s limitations.
Online dating starts out as a very exciting adventure. You are full of hope and anticipation. You register, set up your profile, load up a picture, and pay a fee and whoosh you are ushered into a database with thousands and thousands of women. The initial searches begin. Reading profiles and looking at pictures is fascinating.
You’re sending winks, pokes, kisses and smiles to women all over the world. There is cake and ice cream everywhere and you’ve got a fork. You dig in.
You are seeing women from all over the world and you get to filter down to your local area. Perhaps you do free form searches like who is online right now. Then there are custom searches where you can search according to criteria the online dating service provides. Things like eye color, hair color, height, body type, smoking, drinking, education, religion, ethnicity and interests. These are all things related to the package but not the heart of a woman.
First it looks like paradise and then you discover it can be hell out there. Your search results load and it could be either great or awful. It can be a mix of women you find interesting or women you wouldn’t ever date. You know this right?
What do we see first? Most often the first thing we notice about each profile is the picture, then perhaps where this woman is located and age. We might read her tagline or not. We scroll through the pictures and perhaps move right on from there to the next picture that catches our eye.
When a picture captures our eye, we read her profile. You might have particular things you look for in a profile. Relationship status or hobbies, sports, last book she read, pets and any other thing that is of particular importance to you.
While you look at what a woman does write about in her profile, it’s also important to notice what she does not include in her profile. For example, let’s say you love to travel. Your profile includes a statement that says, “Must have passport and love to travel.” You get an email from a woman who you find very attractive in her photos but as you read her profile, do you notice where it says that she loves to be at home, cooking up a storm, hanging with friends and family and visiting the local parks. This lovely woman never once mentions that she travels though she does say that she’s lived in the same house most of her life.
What’s your next step? Get information. Email back and ask questions about traveling for her. This is a requirement for you but doesn’t seem to show up in her profile. What else is a requirement for you and it’s missing.
If you want to put some structure around your dating life, get to know your own requirements for a relationship. These are more than what you want in your partner. Requirements are the make it or break it “must haves” for you in a relationship. And your partner has them also. It’s great if you have the same requirements. Like you both love to travel and its part of how you live your life. You can’t imagine never seeing other parts of the country or never traveling overseas. Wouldn’t it be better if you don’t date someone who never wants to leave her hometown?
My son was in the Marines and was sent to Iraq early in the war. When he returned he swore he never wanted to travel again. He definitely doesn’t ever want to see a desert again. Five years after his discharge and he still doesn’t want to travel. I, on the other hand can’t imagine not traveling. His girlfriend likes being close to home. My girlfriend loves to travel. My son and I are both happy about this!
Now going back to that really attractive woman who doesn’t travel. You’re getting pretty interested in her looks, her package. You’re thinking she seems nice and her emails are interesting. You’re thinking she might be worth meeting.
I’m going suggest that you think twice about even meeting a woman for a date who does not meet your requirements.
The process of scouting, screening and sorting that you do with an online ad is exactly how conscious dating works. You know your requirements, wants and needs in a relationship. You have a clear picture of your goals for your life and what you can bring to a relationship and what you want from a partner.
Why would you start dating someone who isn’t going to be able to meet one of you basic requirements for a good relationship? Well if you don’t know what your requirements are, its easy to get lost in who you date and why.
If you are clear about your requirements, needs and want, these boundaries that you’ve created will save you a lot of dating misery. You can scout and sort out right from the start the women that aren’t a great match for you. Then you move into screening over the next few dates until you can determine, is she a good match or not and move on.
Remember, we don’t have to be friends with everyone we date. Dating is not the same as being partnered, committed or married. It’s a testing ground. Test, test and retest until you find the right fit.
Don’t make those big compromises now, that comes after the dating stage.
xo, Mary
Your Gay Girl Dating Coach
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About Mary Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Mary is also an entrepreneur, business consultant, dating and relationship coach, speaker, writer, strategist, gay girl community builder, mentor, mom and lover of women of all stripes. She has worked for and consulted with Fortune 500 companies, national non-profits and managed multi-million dollar projects. She has also run multiple small businesses.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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Hello Mary, I am 66 years young and looking for someone to enjoy life with. I have worked all my life and now i am retired. I came out 30 years ago. I have two grown children and 8 grandchildred. I enjoy going to the movies, playing Bingo, musicial theater and just watching a good movie at home. I would like to know what to do next. I feel a little lost on what to do. Jennie
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