The shocking results of early intimacy – sex and lesbian relationships are a given but what you get in the long term could shock you.
Lesbians love sex. Hell yeah! Of course we do.
Being called “lesbian” describes our sexual preference right!
So when is it safe to have sex?
How fast can you get that crazy hot lesbian you’re dating to be intimate?
How long till you get that yummy gay girl between
the sheets or stretched out on the couch?
I know you want the easy answer. Of course you do.
After the first date? Second date? Third? You’re counting right?
Now if you want to push the Easy Button to get an answer, when should you have sex? Anytime you both want it. That is the easy answer.
Fast sex and lesbian relationships don’t equal real intimacy in the long or short term.
We all want the quick fix, the super fast fix-it pill, the five minutes to a flat belly and the instant coffee relationship that tastes like slow brewed and carefully tended coffee grown slowly in the high mountains of Peru and carried on the backs of donkeys slowly down from the mountains to the valley and finally after many months right to your local Fair Trade Coffee Shop.
Well that’s not going to happen for most of you. To find what you really want, you’re going to have to make a commitment to dating for longer than 1, 2 or 3 dates to get to real intimacy, aka a relationship with legs that can last.
The real answer to jumping into bed early in a relationship is that you don’t know what it means for the long term. What you get from the experience of hot steamy insane sex is nothing that relates to how well a long term relationship will work.
You have a fantasy that what you have today will last forever.
That fantasy doesn’t usually play out very well. Life, relationships and even sex are subject to ongoing change. This happy bit of information may make you decide that you are done reading this article today. But , hey keep reading. Really…
Great sex doesn’t mean you get along with each other.
I love sex! I mean seriously love it! The early months and years of a relationship include amazing sex, at least I hope you are experiencing that and it doesn’t have to end. It may slow down some but in a great relationship your sexual relationship deepens and ripens.
But my point is basing a decision to be in a relationship on great sex alone, doesn’t mean you actually get along with each other. Great sex doesn’t have a thing to do with everyday compatibility.
Great sex doesn’t mean you’ll like her dogs, her kids, the in-laws or her day to day lifestyle. It just means that you’ve got a nose for each others pheromones and all your “sex” receptors are turned on and running at full speed. If you haven’t had the feeling of sexual energy and attraction in a long time, then wow. It can be impossible to resist. And then you get caught up in the fantaxy that this woman is the love of your life!
Hormones are responsible for many of our feelings. Just think about PMS and your menstrual cycle. How many different feelings to you have in a month that are the result of this cycle. Then there is menopause. A whole new range of feelings show up. How about runners? We now know they are pumping endorphines (a type of hormone) into their body that creates feelings of happiness and shuts off feelings of depression. Depression can also be linked to hormones. Are you getting the picture that we are in large part driven by our hormones. Good for you. So it’s a great idea to know a few things about your hormones.
In the short term, sex is a lot of fun and has a lot of hormone action attached to it. Women are full of a hormone call oxytocin and that means you’re in deep thick mud up to your knees when it comes to sex. Oxytocin is the attachment drug. When you orgasm, it shows up big time. And it makes you feel attached to the other woman who has just had that earth shaking orgasm with you. Great news right because she is probably feeling attached to you too.
But Mary!!! Chemistry doesn’t happen that often!
What worries you is that this great sexual attraction thing doesn’t seem to happen often. This becomes another reason you think this woman is it. She’s THE ONE you’ve been waiting for all these days, weeks, months and sometimes years. This is often faulty reasoning. I love chemistry and attraction too. It’s enticing.
Why you ask… Well for most of us, we go through a few months of being insane when we finally meet someone and start to have great sex. Sex is a drug. Our bodies produce amazing drugs called hormones (chemicals) that drive us crazy for more sex with our lesbian lover.
We are having loads of fun, barely coming up for air, losing weight! Sex diets are the best. Not only do we not miss food, we love this kind of exercise more than any other kind we’ve ever had. The feelings of butterflies, tingles, not being able to sleep and endlessly reliving the last great orgasm while we wait impatiently for the next is never boring. Sounds like someone on crack right?
Well it’s close to that. So what can possibly be wrong with all these good feelings.
Nothing!
Nothing at all! I love sex and I approve of it. The world needs more sex and fewer bombs and bullets. BUT…
You knew there was a “but” coming right?
Those “great sex” drugs make you a little stupid and then they wear off!
The flow of sex hormones ebbs until you wonder if the tide will ever come in again. As the force of these sex hormones wears thin, all the other things we were ignoring can no longer be ignored. Her drinking or drugging, no job or income, rudeness to you or your friends, the long distance, the total lack of compatibility in values and life goals. Perhaps its the age difference.
Or honestly, you’ve realized you are not in love with her and never will be. During this time of ebb, the list of things that are a conflict come up and start to get really loud in your head. Maybe they are getting really loud in her head too.
My point here is not that you shouldn’t have sex early in a relationship. My point is that it will rarely lead to a long lasting relationship that really works. It will lead to a few weeks, months or maybe a couple of years of something fun, good and exciting. Then it will fizzle and now you’ve got a mess on your hands. Now what? Do you start counseling to save the relationship. Some relationships can be saved! Some cannot. Which one are you?
Sex. We love it and then it kicks us in the butt. Or perhaps in our head. All of a sudden our friends are telling us they were worried all along and saw all the trouble signs we ignored. We look at them in disbelief but deep down we know they are right.
We didn’t even ask our friends what they thought about this new love of our life. The one we ran out and bought a house with, moved across the country for or let move into our house with her promise that she’d find a job in no time at all. It’s also possible, you are both good caring women who believe you love each other but the rush of those sex drugs means you made your decisions based on your sex brain – the one between your legs – and not the one in your head.
That “girl” down below, your clitoris, isn’t that smart ladies. She’s all about feeling good first and foremost. Little Ms. Clitoris is the one who whispers, “just do it, it’s gonna feel so good… come on I want it…” Yeah, I know her well too. I’ve made this mistake a couple of times.
Sex makes us all sort of stupid. It makes you feel so amazingly good and it makes you sort of dumb too. I’ve done really stupid things for sex. I confused it with love, real lasting true love. I confused those amazing loud screaming and long lasting body quakes with love that would last forever. How about you?
Have you confused having a relationship with “on my god” and great sex?
We’ve all been there. This whole story isn’t about making you feel bad, but helping you recognize you are normal.
The tough part is how to avoid getting into this situation over and over again. That’s the hard part that requires self discipline. Like the eating plan that requires you to stick to it for months to loss the 20 pounds. Or the exercise plan that requires you to show up and work out 3 or 4 days a week for months to get that flat belly and firm butt. Get it.
You saying yes to sex early on is fine, as long as you are prepared to deal with the consequences that will be showing up at some point. And please don’t move in with someone just because you are having sex. Ugh! Bad decision. Bad news. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Wait to get that connected into each other’s lives and living spaces. When it ends far more quickly than you expected with that lesbian you thought was so hot but it turns out she’s not very nice, you won’t be stuck having to move her stuff back to her house.
How do you stay out of bed? Just say no. Don’t cross lines like going to her house for a first date and then getting drunk. Can you say “set up?”
And if you want to know how many dates does it take to get to to the “we are having sex tonight” date? Three is not the magic answer. That is a conversation you should be having with yourself, your date and perhaps you’re dating coach.
Do you just want sex?
Then do it knowing you’re going to continually break hearts. I’m not judging you. It’s not wrong. Just own the consequences baby. And maybe have a quick conversation about STDs! Please!
Are you tired of having your heart broken by getting sexually involved when you know she’s not available and it’s going no where? Then start saying no, buy a vibrator and learn to enjoy masturbation and a good erotic movie or book. It’s a good thing!!
Now, you’ve got to leave comments for me. I know there is a wild range of experiences out here and I want to hear about all of them. Scroll down to the comments section and tell me! Tell me now! And if you’d like to get more articles like this, dating insights, tips and know-how, join the list for my free ezine.
Sending you lots of big hugs!!!
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC PO Box 10924, Portland, ME 04104 | Office: 207-450-1611| © 2011 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
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