As a dating and relationship coach, I sometimes focus on listening and watching how people around me are engaging in life and relationships with friends, family and with their significant other. I’m always trying to learn more and so my life (and yours) is my lab! I don’t do this to judge others (cause I’ve got no business judging anyone!) but I do it to explore my understanding of the world, life and relationships. One key point is that we are needy. Needy Needy Needy Lesbians!
First off let me say that I realize we are all so damn needy and that our lives are driven by our needs. And I mean DRIVEN! Each and every one of us that is drawing breathe on this planet is just one big bag of human needs. Needy! Needy! Needy! But what those needs are and the ways we get our needs met is a fascinating story.
How we as women enter into relationships and then how we live out our relationships intrigues me and is a big motivator in my life to keep asking questions of myself and others. My passion to help women create an extraordinary quality of life drives me to dig deeper to better understand our lovely little lesbian world.
It’s easy to quietly appreciate seeing two lesbians loving, respecting and appreciating each other. It’s also painful to watch two gay girls treating each other badly. I remind myself that I have no idea what’s really going on under the surface in that “painful” looking relationship anymore than I might know what’s really working in that loving relationship but I’ve got a few clues we will talk about.
I also feel the pain of a woman, when she tells me how much she wants to be in a relationship and just can’t seem to make it happen. She is feeling so much pain in her loneliness and despair because a relationship isn’t happening. I know those feelings intimately. I’ve been there and I feel it even more deeply for gay girls who are my close friends and who I know well enough that I’ve experienced how loving, kind and giving they are in the world.
Then there is the remarkable experience of being with a single lesbian who is delighted with her life while still looking for a great lover to share it with. It’s like being on different sides of the same planet and I’ve lived on both sides in my lifetime. How about you?
Can you put your hand on your chin, tilt your head and say, “Mmmmmmmm? Curious? I wonder what that’s about?” How does one go from despair to being content and happy while nothing on the outside has changed? We all know one of the answers to that question is to just start getting grateful for what you do have. Right?
Get grateful. Some of you are saying, oh that again! I know. I’ve been there when the whole practice of being grateful just about made me crazy. I was tired of trying so hard to feel grateful for being single when all I wanted was a relationship. The feelings of loneliness were not going away despite all my declarations of gratitude.
To be really clear, I believe in practicing gratitude for EVERYTHING that is in my life and yes I had to learn how to do this. My problems are not my enemies, they are gifts that help me grow and become my best self. Your problems are FOR you. Say that outloud… “My problems are FOR me!” Stop resisting your problems and stop pushing things away that you don’t like and you’ll find your problems start to get easier to handle because your ability to handle problems will grow like a muscle.
Problems are a sign of life. The only people with no problems are dead people. Get it? Problems are here to help you grow. They are FOR you not against you. This is why gratitude is so important. Be thankful for each problem for as you embrace it and own it, a solution will come much more easily. Peace will come much more quickly once ou stop struggling with what is. Stop holding your breathe about life and start breathing. Right now. Take a big breathe because I’m pretty sure you’ve been holding it. See, I was right about that. So maybe I’m right about gratitude too.
We only dislike the practice of gratitude because we don’t want to embrace what we don’t like. Go on… do it. You’ll be amazed at what happens just like that amazing feeling of air rushing into your lungs when you stop holding your breathe.
So what happened to me? Well a lot of things happened over a period of time but simply put I realized that what I wanted from a relationship was a “feeling.” I wanted to feel loved and connected, I wanted to feel special, I wanted to feel acknowledged and I wanted to feel the presence of another that was for me only. I wanted the certainty that I thought could come from being in a relationship. Just to give you a clue – that’s what you want too!
So enough about me, what about you? Everything you do in life is driven by the need to feel something (we are all alike in this way.) We are all like this and we are all doing this all day long every day of our lives. We do what we do to feel a certain way.
Think about it. You exercise because it makes you feel good. You work because you like the feeling of achievement and the feeling of getting a regular paycheck. You eat because it makes you feel full or satisfied. You drink because it makes you feel less stressed. You watch a comedy show because it makes you laugh. You sleep because you feel tired. You smoke because it makes you feel relaxed. We have sex because it feels good. We are driven by our need to feel certain things.
We all have 6 needs that we are seeking to fulfill all the time. They are:
- Certainty – the ability to feel certain in advance, to feel sure of what is going to happen and when; the ability to produce, eliminate or avoid stress; or to create, increase or intensify pleasure, feeling secure
- Variety – the ability to create surprise, excitement, challenge, difference and variety in life; to stimulate different emotional experiences
- Significance – the sense of being needed, feeling of importance, feeling of uniqueness, sense of purpose, sense of meaning in the world, feeling of separation or being different
- Love and Connection – feeling of being bonded, sharing of life, oneness with others, sharing, intimacy, uniqueness and sense of meaning, feelings of security and belonging
- Growth – the feeling of expanding your capacity in any arena, learning, unlocking your limitless potential
- Contribution – giving back to society, giving of your time, skills, energy and money
What’s important to know here is what are your two top needs? What’s driving you? What needs are driving how you get fulfilled, how you relate in the world and certainly what you want to feel from being in a relationship?
My confession is that for many years I was driven by certainty and significance. I needed to feel certainty and I wanted someone to meet this need by being the one securing income (i.e. I was married to a guy who made a much higher salary than I did for many years.)
I also met this need by being really controlling! Can anyone relate? I needed to be in charge of any plan so that I could control all the decision. I hated to let anyone else be in charge for fear that something awful would happen to me or that I’d be stuck in some situation that I hated.
Then there is the need for significance. I wanted to know I was the smartest and most unique person around. This was in part fed by my childhood, where I was the only girl in a family of five children and all my close cousins were boys also. So I stood out as being special and unique but since it was an old-fashioned Irish-Catholic family being a girl was not a special privilege in the long run.
Anyway, what I can say is that having significance and certainty as my primary needs in life was kicking my butt and causing me loads of pain. So what about you? What’s driving your actions? What’s driving your desire for a relationship?
Do you want the certainty of someone being there for you? Then you’ll tend to be on the controlling side to ensure it happens the way you want. Oh no? Yeah.
Do you want significance? To be the most special and unique? To be needed by certain people in a certain way? To be the most important? Mmmmm? Curious? I wonder what that’s about? This isn’t about judging someone as good or bad, but about understanding why you are getting the results in life that you are right now and how to change those results. That starts by asking questions.
Maybe your primary need is for variety. You not only love change, you need constant change or variety. You never eat the same food twice, you never drive the same route to anywhere, you have to have new experiences all the time and you are always taking on new challenges to the point that your life can often feel out of control. If life gets to dull for you, you start a fight just to get your blood flowing again. Or you are constantly going after one adventure after another. Could that be you?
Perhaps you’re driven by the need for love and connection? Is that the top one for you? If it is you’re going to be much more successful in a relationship then if you’re being driven by significance. If love and connection is not the at number 1 or 2 in your personal list of human needs then you’re going to struggle in relationships. Yes, lucky you but the rest of us aren’t lost forever because we can change!
Why is it important to know what needs drive you? Because most likely, you are going to attract someone who has the same primary needs as yourself. And imagine two women who both have significance as their primary need. Can you say ouch?
If you are with someone whose primary need is love and connection and yours is significance, your going to feel great and she’s going to end up feeling miserable. Why? Because she wants connection. You don’t. She wants to feel love and give you. You’re not looking for that so it won’t have a lot of value for you over the long haul. You want to feel important and that is not about love or connection. Is this making sense?
So really what the heck do you do now?
- Determine your hierarchy of needs – write it out from 1 to 6.
- Ask yourself, what is most important to me? Be HONEST with yourself.
- Now ask yourself, what is my happiness worth to me?
- What would I want as a primary need in my partner? What would make our relationship really loving, warm, exciting, passionate?
- Finally ask yourself, do I need to make a shift in my primary needs?
- Then do the work to make the shift and watch your feelings and your life change in big ways!
Tell me what you think of this article. Leave your comments further down this page. And join me on Facebook and be a part of this awesome tribe!
Thanks for being here and remember life is happening for you not to you! Now get out there and hug a gay girl today because happiness is more than a date!
xoxo, Mary
About Mary Gorham Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC PO Box 10924, Portland, ME 04104 | Office: 207-450-1611| © 2011 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
Unauthorized duplication or publication of any materials from this site is expressly prohibited.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }