Dear Online Dating Lesbians,
You’re on the road to love. You’ve got a profile posted to a lesbian dating site. It took some deep thinking and focus but you’ve written a profile you are proud to post. Now on to the business of dating!
Well maybe not just yet… there are a few things you’ve got to do first.
To date means to make contact right? You’re going to sort through profiles, look at pictures and then wink, blink, mark favorites and write emails to other lesbians/gay girls/ bi girls/ tran girls on the site. Wow, the next tough question arrives. What the heck do you say?
It can be as hard to write to someone online, as it is to approach someone in person at a party or some event that has placed you in the same room with someone you find attractive and interesting.
You have to face many of the same fears. So let’s begin…
- Maybe you’re asking yourself – Is this really ok?
- What do you say?
- What if she doesn’t write back?
- Does your spelling suck?
- Do you want to be funny or serious?
- How many women can you contact at the same time?
- How soon should you share your personal email or phone number?
- How soon should you plan on meeting someone face to face?
- When should we move to talking on the phone?
- What should a first date look like when it’s an online connection?
Do you have any other questions, or um perhaps fears that you want to add? Use the comment section at the end of this page and add them for me! I’m sure I’ve missed some good questions you are asking yourself. You can help out another women by adding them here.
Let’s consider this a bucket list of what we fear and what we aren’t sure of when we approach online dating. I’m going to start by answering the easy one’s first.
Yes, online dating is ok! It’s now completely accepted as a way to meet another lesbian for dating. Really. You can contact as many women as you want (contact is different from exclusive dating and really different from jumping into bed!) and if there are a lot that you want to contact that’s great. Come up with a plan to keep all that info sorted out.
Does your spelling suck? Then write your response in a Word document or in your regular email and use the spell checker feature. Then copy and paste into the email contact feature for the lesbian online dating site. It’s like pushing the Easy Button!
So you write and she doesn’t write back. Welcome to one of the quirks of online dating. Other gay girls don’t write back for lots of reasons. One of the reasons may be that she has poor manners and another reason could be that she is someone that hates saying NO, so she says nothing instead.
Of course, she may not be writing back because she has looked at your photo and read your profile and really isn’t interested. Your reaction may be disappointment. I’d like you to do a turnaround and say out loud – “Thank Heaven! Or God! Or Goddess! Or Buddha! Or who and whatever! I am one step closer to finding the very best match for me and obviously it wasn’t her. Thank Heaven I won’t waste anymore time with that!! “
Any time a lesbian doesn’t respond back or says No consider it a gift. Yes, I mean that seriously! Practice gratitude while you’re in this process. It will be a lot more fun and pleasant experience if you practice being grateful for whatever happens while you’re doing the online dating thing.
If another lesbian takes the time to write to you and express her interest in making contact, it is being polite, mature and considerate to write back even if you have no interest. It is easy to simply say, “Thank you for writing. I don’t think we are a good match but I wish you all the best in your search for love.” Another Easy Button idea for you! Just copy and paste this. My gift for you!
Most gay girls will appreciate that you’ve responded, even if it is to say NO. But there are also the lesbians that feel your “no thank you” requires a verbal tongue-lashing. It makes no sense to me, but it’s happened.
Important Tip: If anyone crosses the line with you via email or otherwise through a dating site – BLOCK HER. Every online dating site has this feature. It allows you to block any other user from contacting you and from viewing your profile. I encourage you to use it whenever anyone makes you feel uncomfortable. This is also how you can manage an Ex who is using the same site. Block her profile and she doesn’t even have to know you’re on the same site.
What do you say when you write to another gay girl? Do you want to be funny or serious? Making first contact can be nerve wracking but you’ve got to do it at some point. Don’t wait and wait for someone to contact you. BE THE CHOOSER! Take charge of your dating life. What you say should be guided by her profile and yours! What did she write that interested you? Or are you just attracted to her photo and ignoring the info in her profile. Don’t do that! Read what she wrote. Does any of it connect with you? Do you have anything in common? Come one get real here.
Maybe an example would help. Let’s try! Here’s your pick… Happy Girl writes: I am a professional and love being able to really help people who are in crisis. Because my work is intense and serious, I like to really relax when I’m off. I enjoy live comedy, funny movies and being in plays and skits with a group of friends I hang out with. We’ve actually started developing skits on a regular basis and performing around town. It’s a great balance to the serious nature of my work.
Here’s you: She Knows – which is your profile name, includes this information: This year I’ve been focusing on getting healthier and adding more fun to my life. I’ve committed to a workout routine with a couple of friends and we are all seeing great results. Feeling better makes having fun easier. I look for opportunities to go out and see plays and listen to live music with friends. I love the concert hall on Barton Springs Road and the comedy club on Wharf St. Have you been there?
Are you seeing the connections here? What can you write to start a conversation and make a connection? How about something like this:
Hi Happy Girl,
I read your profile today and enjoyed learning what we have in common –having fun, comedy, plays and good friends. I just attended a fundraiser at Comedy Central for a friend who was diagnosed with cancer. It was so wonderful to see her laughing so hard and being so strongly supported in that great environment.
Have you been to that club? Do you have a favorite place to see comedy acts that come to town? I don’t tell jokes very well but I do appreciate a great sense of humor and laughing as much as possible.
Finally, would you be interested in connecting here for a bit to see if we have a mutual interest in meeting? Please take a look at my profile and if you would like to write that would be great. If not, that’s Ok too! Let me know your thoughts.
Warm regards, She Knows
There now, that wasn’t so bad was it? When there are things held in common it is easy to write and say hello. I encourage you to go slow and read profiles carefully. Look for things you have in common and things that indicate you’d have too little to share because your interests and lives are too different.
Go ahead and be funny if that’s your style. Some gay girls love it when you make them laugh more than anything. Be you.
It is also very important to pay strict attention to your requirements when you read profiles. Don’t ignore what’s an absolute NO for you because you think she’s so cute, butch, tough, sweet, femme, sporty, sincere, sexy, hot, juicy or whatever. Ignoring your truth for the sake of being turned on never works in the long run. You’re old enough to know this right? Yeah, I thought so.
If you are following my Gay Girl Dating Coach advice –hold out for someone who is both attractive to you AND meets your requirements.
Now let’s talk about sharing personal email and phone numbers. This should wait just a bit. Use the services provided by the online dating site to maintain a buffer until you know the woman you are connecting with is sane and not a stalker. Yes, I did say that. Most everyone you meet online really is going to be fine and quite sane. Unfortunately, not everyone tells the truth and not everyone has well balanced emotional muscles. A few precautions upfront will save a lot of aggravation in the long term.
Some women like to set up a separate email account for their online dating site profiles. This is another way to create a safety zone for your personal life.
Don’t be in a rush to give out your phone number. A good time to share your digits is when you are ready to schedule a first time meeting. It’s a good idea to have at least one phone call with the women you’re meeting. This provides you with a couple of important pieces of information.
The first is that you are really talking to a woman. Yes, some men pose as women on sites. With experience, you’ll be able to pick them out from the real lesbians. Men do a really lousy job of faking being lesbians.
The second thing you get from a phone call is the chance to hear the woman’s voice and how she sounds, speaks and interacts verbally. Some women are more comfortable with the initial phone call than others. You may be the nervous one. It’s ok, this doesn’t have to be a long call.
It can be a chance to confirm where you are meeting and the time and what you will have on. Sometimes when you’re nervous it is hard to find the woman you are meeting in a crowd so a little more description is really helpful. And yes, some women don’t look exactly like their pictures; sometimes the pictures on a site were taken a long time ago. That can be a good or a bad thing. You decide. (Then there are the women that use someone else’s picture. It’s hard to believe but its true.)
Finally, keep the first date simple. Really! I am really serious. Don’t spend a lot of money; don’t make it an all day or half-day event. Don’t buy a new expensive outfit or get really expensive tickets to a show. Keep it SIMPLE! Don’t plan anything you could regret if you were to meet “her” and decide you don’t like her at all!
Meet for coffee for an hour or two. Or meet for an after-work drink. Meet for a walk with the dogs. Meet for lunch. Meet for breakfast or brunch on the weekend. Do you get my drift here? Make this a chance to meet face to face to see if there is any kind of connection and/or attraction when you are sitting face to face.
Why keep it short? Cause if there is no attraction, you’re not going to want to spend the entire day with this person. If this woman is not who she said she was, you’re going to be glad you didn’t plan a whole day on a sailboat and an expensive dinner.
Save the romance for when you’ve moved past first meetings and gotten to more serious screening and testing. You’ll be glad you kept it simple. If you’re meeting quite a few fellow lesbians for possible dating and relationship, it’s simpler and easy to keep first meetings simple.
Notice I’m not even calling it a date. Why? Because in our culture we consider a date a romantic event between two interested and attracted people. You won’t know that until you meet this gay girl face to face. Then plan a date so you can keep screening and testing if the two of you are a good fit. This was my practice with online dating during the last couple of years. I know I saved my heart a lot of hurts by taking things slowly, not getting ahead of the moment and not setting myself up for big disappointments. I want to help you do the same.
Now do something for me and leave a comment today. Tell me what you think of these suggestions for how to connect with lesbians online. Come on… your ideas and thoughts are really important to me. Hit the link to comments below! And thank you!
Thanks for being here today! Chin up, stay strong and find a gay girl to hug today!
Hugs to you, Mary
Your Gay Girl Dating Coach
Come on over to my Facebook page. I want to see your amazing face and tell me how this article impacted you at my Facebook page for the Gay Girl Community.
About Mary Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC PO Box 10924, Portland, ME 04104 | Office: 207-450-1611| © 2011 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
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