Why do you need to ask better questions? So you can get the answers you really need to make the best decision for you when it comes to living your best list. That might be making relationship decisions. It could be about where you are living or buying a house. Maybe you need to ask better questions about a job or your business, a contract, a food plan or just simply asking better questions about how to be happy.
So let’s talk about love and relationship for example. If you’re out there looking for love, sometimes you get caught up in just wanting to feel that special feeling. You know the one. You’re brain goes on autopilot. Your lady parts start to hum and vibrate and you’re sure this woman is THE ONE even though you haven’t asked her anything except her name.
Now considering that you are not an automobile, having your lady parts humming is not an indication that you should put things into gear and drive straight into a relationship. Believe me, I’m all for sex. I think sex between two consenting adults is a wonderful thing. Did I say sex and not love? Yes I did. I’m also for love and sanity. Sex doesn’t always leave us in a sane place and it’s not a promise of love either. Sex is one of the things that creates a stalker – someone who is chemically addicted to you because you’ve shared sex and orgasms but otherwise she’s not a good match. She thinks maybe she is in love with you. You know you don’t love her – it was just sex. I believe it’s rare to really love someone you don’t even know. Mostly what we do is LUST for someone we barely know.
Love is much more sane than sex. Love gives you time to ask questions. It encourages deep conversations. It gives you space to breathe. Lust – well not so much.
Are you horrible at asking questions?
Asking questions is so important to getting what you want in life. And many of us are down right horrible at asking questions. So today I’m giving you some tips on asking better questions. Take these tips with you on your next date, job interview or house buying decision. Take these tips with you wherever you go and practice them with everyone and anyone you can. You will discover that life starts to make a whole lot more sense when you ask better questions.
Here are 5 quick ways to aks better questions.
1. Listen. Most of us are so distracted we don’t pay attention to the people around us. When we stop talking in our head and listen, we actually learn who people are. You will discover what makes them tick. You will learn what you should really be asking. And you’ll get answers that make a difference.
2. Care. It isn’t enough to listen, we also need to care. If you find the person in front of you genuinely interesting, then your questions will get that much better. Our minds and especially our imaginations become engaged when we care.
3. Be Persistent. Don’t stop with one question. Keep going. Better questions often develop only after you have asked a few bad ones. With the bad ones, you learn information that helps you discover what a good one might be. Don’t be annoying. Don’t be intrusive. But please, don’t give up easily.
4. Stop Assuming. How many really good questions are you not asking because you’ve made a false assumption. How many opportunities have you lost because better questions weren’t asked. Assume nothing. Ask everything you think might be important or relevant. Ask, don’t assume what someone’s answers will be. Stop putting words in other people’s mouths.
5. Explore. Your questions are most often the result of your own perspective and experience in life. If you expand your personal life experiences, your ability to ask questions improves. Don’t settle for what you know about anything right now. Learn more. Read. Travel. Explore. Experience.
Finally, here is one of the most important reasons you need to learn to ask better questions…
My Wage
I bargained with Life for a penny,And Life would pay no more,
However I begged at evening When I counted my scanty store. For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.
I worked for a menial’s hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have willingly paid.
-Jessie B. Rittenhouse
Need I say more. Ask better questions. Ask better questions about life, about love, about happiness, about what’s in front of you.
The payoff will be better than you can ever imagine.
So I want to ask you a question. Before you go, would you leave a comment here? Scroll down and hit the {comments} link and tell me if this spoke to you today.
Till next time, love and hugs… Mary
Mary Gorham Malia
Founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach and the Live Your Best Lesbian Life Summit. Helping lesbians live the life of their dreams. I’m an adventurer, passion seeker, mompreneur, friend and all around gay girl. I love connecting lesbians to their dreams and helping them develop the skills they need to live an extraordinary life and have an amazing relationship.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s true. If you listen and shut up for a minute, you can catch the non-verbals also. This gives your brain time to formulate the question. This was a nice piece. Very simple and to the point. Thank you!
Hi RT,
Thanks and you’re right. Good addition. When you listen, you can watch a person and catch those non-verbal clues.
Before I reached the part where you asked us to leave a comment, I was thinking to myself, “Wow, I’m really FEELING this information.” Life can be so full and I don’t want to miss a thing!
Thank you. I look forward to reading more.
Ah so kind of you Diane and I’m grateful to know that this struck a cord in you. Hurrah!
hugs, Mary
Ding! Ding! Ding! You woke me up Mary — the gal I’ve been trying to be in relationship with sometimes makes me feel as though asking questions is bad, and she deflects or ignores them altogether. I’ve fallen in to that trap of assuming the answers at times, with mostly bad results. I think I need to ask better questions of myself, like….do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want me to know her?
First, I agree with you about Carolyn Gage’s interview. Days later, after re-listening twice, I keep pondering what she said and find it keeps coming up in conversations. Secondly, I appreciate this reminder about questions and assumptions–of others as well as of myself. Thank you.
Hi Beth,
Thank you for taking the time to share. I’m so glad to read that one of our crucial conversations has really struck you so deeply and is creating a shift in how you think. Score!!
Hugs, Mary
I think I am a ‘watcher’. I don’t always believe what others say (or what I say)! We have stories we tell ourselves and each other. I do especially listen to what people repeatedly say, and usually ask questions about that. I think frequently what we tell others, is what we are really telling ourselves. The caring part almost always happens (not love) when you are open and connect to the essence of a person. Listen to yourself sometime, amazing!
Hi DTwo,
I think one of the things we all do poorly is listen to ourselves! If we listened more deeply to our own inner voice, it would be so much easier to listen to others expressing themselves. I believe the practice of meditation is so powerful on so many different levels and this is one of them.
The assumption thing I really get. How many times have I been involved with someone for months and realize I assumed some really important stuff…totally wrong! I think we don’t want to ask questions too soon cause it looks like we are too invested and then when we are really invested we have already assumed.
and Carolyn Gage and Kate clinton were my faves!
Hi MG, True. Assumption is thinking you can read minds. A big No No!
Thanks for sharing. Wonderful insight. Mary
hello mary!
i am agree with your point and i am so grateful of my special feelings
i think one day i have to tell you my story, my 8 years relationship with DEAR ONE..we kept our secret from being gay to our families and some other friends but we still live our best lesbian life and this make us more stronger and love each other :’) thank you Mary!you inspires me
Thank You so much! I didn’t realize how much I’ve learned about getting to know someone until you explained the importance of turning that knowledge into a question and actually listening for the answer. Often answers not only come directly after the question but throughout our conversations!
Hi Dawn, You are so right. Listening is powerful stuff! Thank you for sharing, Mary
Well i am trying to get back with a woman i truly love. We have gotten to a level we were not on before. We have been talking about each others needs and i am learning a lot about a deeper level than sex. This woman has been very good for me. She lets me know what she needs and i in return. i am not assuming anymore to think i know what she needs. i was doing that before and i wasn’t really giving her what she needed only what i thought she needed. Now i am learning her real needs.
I like where you’re going with that Lisa. I think sometimes I assume I know what people need too. I am getting better at asking people how I can support them and what they need, vs. trying to help by behaving in ways that I personally like to be supported.
Work in progress!
Oh Yea asking the right questions are difficult but so important. My ex-girlfriend kept throwing up walls then saying what she needed. I heard her but I wasn’t listening with discernment. I didn’t think to ask what she meant. I assumed I knew. Some questions are hard to ask. I could have saved myself some heartache if I asked myself if I could give her what she needed and wanted and if she could give me what I needed and wanted. A whole lot of not listening, not asking the right questions, and assuming going on. Thanks for putting a face to lessons learned.
Hi Mary. Here is my long winded comment. Carolyn Gage’s philosophy of life was definitely thought provoking. I was compelled to research “How Do You Know if You Are in Love” articles for Dummies and then I looked up “What is Limerence” for Dummies. I am still not sure how to tell the difference between love and lust other than love relationships last longer than limerence (lust) relationships. I found out if I want instant chemical reactions going on in my brain then I need to lust. If I want to have a safe, secure, solid long term relationship then I need to focus on love. Since I was reading articles written for Dummies, I think I understood that if I meet up with a woman and the chemical reactors start making me feel like I am strung out on crack cocaine, then there is a chance this relationship will never move to the love stage. If the relationship starts with lust, it will end in lust. If the relationship starts with love, then it will end in the ‘this is as good as it gets’ long term stage. So, I asked myself, “Do I want to feel like I am on drugs or be a role model?”
Limerence relationships keeps people in the perpetual adolescent phase. Some folks just do not want to grow up. Lust relationships may mean the person is afraid of commitment, will not be viewed as the person you want to go to with a problem, people don’t want to seek their advice, and they will not be viewed as someone knowledgeable about life’s experiences. I would not take their advice about life seriously. Their lifestyle suggests it’s more hedonistic…let’s go have fun…it’s party time!!! They have other fine attributes and they have their place in shaping and progressing social and political thought…they’re just not experts on love. That is just my opinion.
The question that I need answered is what is the difference between the lust feeling and the “spark” I need to feel with a woman who I think may be “the one” for me? No spark… then she ends up being a friend.
I admit I want a long term lesbian relationship, but I am not sure that is going to happen any time soon. Sure, I may meet up with a woman who is seeking someone who wants to be a “lifer” and we hit it off and the next thing you know, 20 years have passed. But maybe not. I also want to be in lust relationships. I suppose this babe that burned a hole into my heart was not love. I must have been in lust. After all, I felt like I was on drugs every time I was around her or thinking of her. It was a great feeling. If my brain says it feels good, then I will repeat the behavior. This smacks of short term relationships.
I love that I don’t have this whole relationship thing all figured out. I have such an aversion to being put into a box that I would prefer to make mistakes and stick my foot in my mouth when I am trying to get with a woman. I don’t make mistakes for drama, but it is better to take a risk than living my life with walls up and thinking I don’t need to learn anymore. To some degree I am socially inept in my personal relationships and that is ok. I am open to learning and Mary, it is good to be reminded of what skills it takes to build lasting relationships. My dilemma is what I want right now (limerence) versus looking beyond short term lust and deciding what really is going to be in the best interest of my children. I do want them to see what a great lesbian life is like. Is it possible for me to do both? Can I be a lusting responsible lesbian? Have a blessed day.
PS. I loved reading what everyone else has written so far.
The biggest one for me out of all those is…stop assuming. Can’t tell you how many times this has come across in life, be it in romantic life or other parts of life. Assuming you know the answer and not asking the question only hurts you, and it hurts them. I’ve been on both ends of assuming. It’s a dead end road of crazy making and hurt. I promise.
Half or more of the time, what you assume the answer or reason is is not that at all. It’s something entirely different. We assume based sometimes on our past experiences of what something was or looked like when we last experienced that similar question or feeling.
Here’s the catch…that person you are relating with now, in whatever capacity, is NOT the person with whom you related with in the past where you had the experience that is leading you to assume you know the reason or the answer now.
Please don’t do yourself or the other party the injustice of putting your past in their mouth. ASK QUESTIONS – you may be surprised that what you assumed what the answer or the reason is not actually that at all. It might look like it is on the surface – and – if you ask questions, you might find underneath that layer is something really sweet – and maybe some opportunity to grow together in communication and openness.
Give it a try…what is the worst case scenario? Your assumption is right? Chances are, it’s not.
I completely agree with what you said. Listening is not enough without caring. Also poignant was the poem. We will get only what we ask of ourselves in this one life we have to live.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Mary,
My previous girlfriend asked a ton of questions, and I always angered her by taking time to answer them. She has a memory for details and I did not. What I realized was that I spent so much time taking her words as criticism I forgot to hear what she was actually saying. I am learning to stop taking things personally or as a personal attack but to really listen and hear what they are trying to express. I want to come from a place of truth and love and thus I too am now learning to ask questions. This is hard as I have fears too and one is asking questions. The good thing is…it is not impossible. Do you have any more tips as to how to ask questions in a more loving and truthful way?
Hi Mary.
Life is a funny thing. We avoid topics that we may not want the answers to. Or at least I realize I do. I have saved everything you have written since this article. But I haven’t read a one until now. Why was I saving them to read
Later?? Why not as they came to me? Fear. Fear to know more about who I am, who I want, and who I want to be. Fear of Socializing, fear of dating. The unknown. Such an intimidating yet exciting adventure. This article made me
Realize that I am going to read all those emails & try to keep fear at bay!
Thank u