A reader wrote me recently to tell me she was getting mixed signals from a lesbian she’s getting to know over the Internet.

Do you ever feel like that’s happening to you? Let’s look closer at her story:

Hi Mary! I stumbled across your website and it’s amazing. I wanted to ask your advice and feel confident you can help me or enable me to get a better understanding of what is going on.

I met a woman on Facebook. She lives in Brooklyn and I live in Orlando. We have been texting and communicating for a year. About 2 weeks ago we decided to meet. I flew to New York and we met face to face. She took me to dinner and bought me flowers and seemed interested. We spent two hours together in the city and walked in Central Park and prior to us meeting she said she would consider dating me. Nothing physical happened except for a hug. 

After I got back home, she opened up to me and said she was hesitant from the start. She said we lived in different states and she would never want to hurt me and she didn’t want to feel like she was dragging me along and told me to let her know next time I was in the city to meet up. 

Things aren’t the same since we met. I feel like she is friend zoning me now after having met me. She barely texts me anymore. She used to text me on a daily basis. I am hurt by the way things are now and I stopped texting her altogether to see if she approaches me. 

I don’t know whether to let her go. I really liked her. Before she got on the subway to return home she brushed her hand against my cheek and smiled. She also insisted she open all the doors for me on the date and seemed like she liked me… I’m getting mixed signals from her.

Alyssa, Confused in Florida

What Are Mixed Signals Anyway?

Mixed signals are when someone’s words and actions don’t seem to match up. She tells you one thing but does another. That’s it in a nutshell. The confusion happens because you’re not sure what to believe – her words or her actions?

Do You See Mixed Signals Being Given By This Lesbian? 

So my many wise readers, what do you think? Is her intuition wrong? Are there clear signals that this isn’t going anywhere? Is Alyssa confusing words with behavior? Is she in the friend zone?

I know a lot of you are shaking your heads. This woman is clearly getting the “no go” signal isn’t she. And she’s clearly not in the friend zone either.

This is a common problem when you meet someone through a dating site and she lives far away. There is intrigue, created by the distance. There is the allure of the mystery of who you are, because you really can’t know someone until you meet her and spend time with her.

Plus there is the comfort of having someone you can connect with when you want but who can’t and won’t make a big demand on you.

Then you show up in person and ruin the fantasy. You’re not physically exactly what she wants. Some things about you are not what she expected. She discovers she doesn’t have a strong attraction to you. Her chemistry bells and whistles did not go off when she saw you. So yes, it’s never going anywhere.

In the last year, I’ve probably spoken to at least one woman a month that has had this experience. You romance a lesbian long distance for a long time, months that lead into it being a year or years. You finally meet and she rejects you, puts you off, doesn’t show up or disappears on you.

I’m not making excuses for rude behavior and Alyssa, it seems the woman you met was a gracious host to you in New York City. So good for her, but now she has disappeared.

Her Actions Are Speaking Loudly 

The only thing confusing about this situation is that you refuse to believe her actions mean what they really mean.

As hard as we try with our words to say something, often it’s our behavior that really tells the truth. She’s not coming back. She’s not interested in being committed. And perhaps she’s tried telling you in roundabout ways or maybe even directly but you’re not hearing her.

The power you have in this situation is to decide to take care of yourself. Ask her directly and in very direct terms if she wants to see you again. Tell her you are prepared to hear that the answer is No but you want to hear it or have her text it to you directly.

Is A Lesbian Disappearing Act A Mixed Signal? 

I think her answer will be she is not interested in a relationship with you but she doesn’t want to hurt you. She doesn’t understand that her lack of telling you directly is hurting you. She’s doing a disappearing act and that is definitely hurting you. When a lesbian disappears that isn’t a mixed signal that is a passive but clear message that she’s done.

So again, her disappearing act is your answer. It’s a clear signal that she’s not going to see you again and its time for you to let go.

It’s time to go local and find someone in the very gay and very gay friendly Orlando area.

Wishing you all the best Alyssa. And all the best to all of you that now have a clear answer about your long distance relationship.

Do me a favor and leave your thoughts for Alyssa in the comments section? If you have advice for her, share it here.

Sending you warm hugs and thanks for supporting a fellow gay girl.