Lesbian Dating Tips: My Lesbian Lover is Married To A Man

by Mary Gorham Malia

Lesbian Dating Tips are one big focus on this blog. But recently

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someone asked a question that deserves a different response.

The question was left for me in the comments section

and I thought I’d talk about it  today.

Here’s the question that JM asked:

“Is there any advise for those of us who are in love with someone who is in a long term heterosexual marriage. This woman person loves me and would like to be with me but can’t because of the kids and grand kids and the turmoil it may cause to the family unit.

She is a wreck and so am I because I hate to continue the relationship knowing that this is a HUGE change in her life and may not have a happy outcome.

How can I better support her if she chooses me over him and the kids?

What advise should I or could I be able to give her in this difficult time?” 

(I’ve changed the words just an itsy bit so it reads more clearly here.)

I was once a married woman. I always knew I was attracted to women but the circumstances of my life led me to get married, have a couple of children and then finally at a certain point in my life I realized I had to make a change and leave my marriage. I wasn’t in love with another woman, I wasn’t having an affair and it still wasn’t an easy decision to make.

When a life change involves spouses, children, finances, property, extended family and more it can be overwhelming even when it’s what you want. If you’re uncertain about what you want then making a decision becomes more difficult.

When I realized I had to end my marriage, it was not a happy day for me. It was a day of reckoning and of facing myself in the mirror with truth standing beside me. It was a giant step in my no longer hating myself.

When you come out, you first must come out to yourself. In that step you are owning yourself and your desires in a deeply sacred way that open the door to self acceptance, self love and owning your life in a dramatically new way.

Coming Out Is A Sacred Event

And now for a rant… I believe the coming out process is sacred and I really hate hearing the term “I’m outing myself…” being used by straight people who are telling me they are spending too much, or not exercising or eating too much or are afraid of something they have to do like balance their check book, find new clients or interview for a job.

So far nothing any straight person has said about outing themselves includes the potential to lose your life, family, friends, health insurance or children; it doesn’t include possibly get beaten up, harassed daily, bullied, losing your job, not being allowed to marry the person you love, being kicked out of business establishments and on and on and on.

My Lesbian Lover is Married – What Do I Do?

JM, I’m not a therapist, but I recommend you see one and that your friend does also. She needs to get clear on why she was so open to a relationship outside her marriage.

Was she bored? Were she and her husband having problems? I’d have to guess yes, otherwise she wouldn’t have been open to you.

Have they become emotionally distant over the years and aren’t doing the work to keep love alive?

Again, I’m not a therapist, but let me ask you why you are dating someone who is in a committed relationship?

Do you think there isn’t anyone else who would love you?

Does dating someone who is married create interest because of the hiding part of the affair you are having?

What do you need to learn about yourself?

(And to be clear JM, I’m not judging you at all. Affairs happen. You are not bad and neither is she. There are lessons here for both of you and those lessons are learned by asking different and better questions.)

You are right in saying, that her just leaving may not be the right answer. If she leaves her marriage for you the weight of that alone could crush a relationship with you. She has to resolve both guilt and shame. She has to prepare for children and grand children who may not accept her or she may find out they love her no matter what and do accept her.

If you are spending time with her and her family, they will have to deal with feeling betrayed by the pretense of your being friends when really you were lovers.

Now we haven’t even begun to talk about her children and grandkids. Does divorce hurt? Yes. Does divorce mean the end of relationships? No. It means the individuals impacted have to learn new ways to interact and share their love.  Is divorce the end of the world? No, life always goes on and people get through divorce and find happy lives on the other side (after a while) all the time.

The Grass Isn’t Always Greener In the Lesbian Trailer Park

This woman leaving her husband does not guarantee she’ll be happy. That’s one of the lies we get fed by TV, movies and some of our friends. Does this woman think she is lesbian or is she just in love with you?

JM, what I didn’t see you mention was that either of you are seeking counseling. Dear Gay Girl – get thee to a counselor!!  If money is an issue, many work on a sliding scale.

And I believe that anything worth doing right, is worth making an investment. And I think counseling and therapy are great investments and more women should be seeking out therapy. If you work with a good therapist, you should be able to make fast progress in just three or four months.

JM, I do see in your question that you care a great deal about this woman and you don’t want her to suffer.

You asked how you can support her if she leaves him for you? Make sure she’s seeing a counselor for a good long while.  She’s going to need someone who can hear her talk about her husband, children and grand kids all the time, over and over while she sorts through her guilt and shame to get to feeling good about her choices.

Guilt and shame will kill a relationship and any joy that could come from it.

Finally JM, what advice can you give her? It’s this. This is her decision because it is her life. It is not your decision to make. She must make her decision and be prepared to own it and live it out. She must make her decision based on what SHE believes is best for her.  And whatever it means, she needs to work with a good counselor who works with coming out issues and marriage issues.

JM and anyone else having an affair with a married woman… it’s complicated and you need to approach things with care and patience. Some married woman meet a lesbian , fall in love and leave their husbands in a flash. They also don’t have guilt or shame about what they are doing. I’m fine with that but it’s not the story this reader has shared.

JM, I wish you happiness, joy and luck. I also am not judging anyone who is having an affair as bad or guilty of terrible things.  I’ve met many women who had an affair and left their husband for a woman and are happy.  I know a few husbands who loved their wives enough to say, “If that would make you happy, then do it.”

Most husbands don’t feel that way. Most husbands get mad, angry and often violent. So its not a small decision my friend. Seek out a counselor so you can make the best choice.

So readers have you ever been in this position? What did you do? How did it go? Would you do it again?  Leave a comment below and let’s see where this conversation goes…

 

Warm hugs always,

MGMsignature Lesbian Dating Tips: My Lesbian Lover is Married To A Man

 

 

 

 

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Mary Malia is the Gay Girl Dating Coach. Her mission is to help lesbians break through the barriers to finding love and lasting relationship.

She’s been named #1 on the Top 10 Lesbian Dating Bloggers list.  Mary focuses on helping you to love your gorgeous, handsome, sexy and juicy lesbian self while breaking through what  holds you back from finding love, being mindful about your whole life and creating more happiness for yourself!

Mary is the founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach and the Live Your Best Lesbian Life Summit. She’s been seen on Huffington Post, Your Tango, Datingadvice.com and the Love On Purpose Revolution.

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Janet April 8, 2013 at 8:45 AM

I met a married woman, who wanted to be with me. Her husband was very sick & dying. I got together with her a few times. Never did anything physical.
Her husband died. And then she wanted nothing to do with me.
I told her now that he was gone, we could get together more.
She told me I wasn’t very caring, my husband just passed.
I found it interesting she wanted to do something with me when he was alive!
But when he was gone, she didn’t want anything to do with me.
I walked away, not the one for me.

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Jamie Siv April 8, 2013 at 10:22 AM

Hi Mary :-)

This is by far one of the best answers I have ever seen to that question.

Jamie Siv

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Mary April 8, 2013 at 9:09 PM

Hi Jamie,
Thank you so much. :-)

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Pam April 8, 2013 at 11:44 PM

Hi Mary,

I was in this situation. I am a married woman of almost 27 years. I reconnected recently with my high school sweetheart. We had not seen each other in 28 years, because my mom found out when we were younger and beat me to a pulp! She said she would rather I was dead than to be gay! She told my girlfriend if she really loved me, she would leave me alone. She did just that! We were both devastated about what had happened to us!
She went on to go into the Coast Guard, so I thought I would never find her again. It is interesting that everywhere I lived, she was not very far away!
I had gotten very involved in church, so I did what all good Christian girls do, and get married! Wow, even though I did, my girlfriend was always there. In my dreams, and thoughts! I would hear preaching ALL the time against gays and lesbians! It was terrible, because I knew I still loved her!
When we reconnected, the sparks and happiness and joy were all still there, but she had found someone else too! We ended up having an affair anyway, as we both knew of the love that we both felt for each other! I would have gladly left my husband to be with her. She is the love of my life! She is the only one I have truly ever loved!! I think that is why I never really have been fully committed to my husband. She was always out there…
We had a torrid, very passionate, steamy affair for 2 years. She is the only person to ever reach my inner being! She said the same thing to me as well! She lived in Houston, and I lived in Birmingham, AL. She came over here for work all the time, and I went there too, so we saw each other a lot.
Well, the time came for her to go to Iraq, as she was signing up with a private security team to go over there. She told her girlfriend about us, and I told my husband. Her girlfriend stayed with her, and my husband stayed with me. My husband even comforted me when I was crying over her. Not too many men will do that! Her girlfriend was not as kind. My lover ended up leaving me, and I thought that would NEVER happen! I was crushed, devastated, and heart broken! She is the one person I thought would NEVER let me go! She even told me that, when I said to her, once you tell your girlfriend, she will tell you to leave me! She said she would not let that happen!
Now I find myself missing her all the time, and on my mind every day! It has been 3 years since I have seen her. She and her girlfriend have a baby now, and she has a great life! I on the other hand am miserable, and find myself longing for that female connection again! My husband now is more alert to when I talk to females. I have a lot of health issues, so I am here where I am. He has insurance, and I do not. I am in therapy, and have been for some time. I was a wreck when all of this happened, people were not sure what was going on with me. Therapy has really helped me, but my thoughts still linger to my lover!
Sorry for the long comment! I wish you all the best! Pam

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mM June 3, 2013 at 6:09 PM

I was recently in this situation (I am the out and proud lesbian) and the married woman fell for me and I her. It doesn’t matter cause she still went back to husband and kids and even started seeing a new woman that accepted the polyamorous relationship. I believe this woman sleeps with them both. In theory, it was everything she wanted except this woman isn’t me. (I quickly got out of the triangle since polyamory does not appeal to me).

After hearing she still loves me, I decided it was best to end contact so that I can move on.
I understand there are kids, finances, and a marriage in the equation but my advice would be to stay away from married women. It is a sure heartbreak and a poor emotional investment. Of course easier said than done, but for the married women, resolve your primary relationship or get divorced if you are not happy. Love triangles are no fun for anyone in it. Everyone loses…..

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Cynthis June 19, 2013 at 11:38 PM

Im living w my gf. she is married w two kids. her husband knows shes a lesbian. has known always. he is the only man she’s ever been with. she told me she wasn’t married in the beginning of our relationship. I found out she was it was to late. i fell in love w her. now her and her husbabd raise kuds together and i sleep w her. he don’t hav sex w her ..i dk im here im living w her i love her and im super confused

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Mary June 21, 2013 at 10:57 AM

Hi Cynthis,
Your confused because there are no clear boundaries and the relationship started based on a lie. You are hurt I’m sure by her lie and feeling trapped by your feelings for her. And we love “love” in our country but we can’t always let that make our decisions. Keep talking to her about what you want. I think you’re probably feeling you can’t have what you want in life and love but are stuck in a difficult situation with her, the husband and the kids. It takes bravery to step up and clear the decks. All three adults in this “relationship” need to get really clear on what they want, why they want it and what to do to make it happen. Good luck gay girl.

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Jess June 24, 2013 at 7:15 PM

- She has kids, is too poor to afford a divorce, feels too old, scared by the unknown
– Husband knows that she sleeps outside, not happy with it, but willing to accept her mess because doesn’t want to have his whole life changed
– She says she stays because he’s a good man, sex is still good with him, and he’s her best friend but he’s not enough and she needs women in her life……………

When I think about it, it sounds like nobody respects nobody, and even not themselves.
And as it has been written before, being with a married woman is definitely a poor emotional investment, a waste of time, and a hell of a mess, especially if she is not willing to get divorced (whatever the f* up reasons she thinks she has.)

I never accepted to sleep with her (because she’s not into ending her marriage), but I hate how I still love her, and how this love fills me with shame, guilt, rage and disgust…

Advice: avoid those women for your own sake, and let them rust in the misery of their marriage.

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TehKar June 25, 2013 at 12:28 PM

I am a man married to a lesbian woman. I think the response described above does not address my situation, in which a woman is clearly homosexual, and married a man because of social pressures and because their abusive parent tried to shame the gay out of them. I do not have any children thankfully, so our situation is somewhat different, but personally I am very supportive of my wife’s orientation, and while she has not yet taken a lover, she is more than welcome to, because that is a part of who she is. There is no tension between us over the subject, if anything she is wrestling with guilt that I would take away from her if I could because I don’t feel betrayed at all. Our societies obsession with Victorian concepts of marriage is I think more damaging than anyone gives it credit for.

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Mary June 30, 2013 at 12:12 PM

Dear TehKar,
Your stance as a man and husband is very unusual actually. Most men are deeply angered by their wife announcing she is lesbian. Many women, including myself, experience being verbally abused or even physically abused upon announcing they must live a more honest life and staying married isn’t always the answer. I hope you and your wife continue to be able to manage your relationship with love. And finally I completely agree that our view of marriage from a Victorian perspective must change! Our society has evolved significantly and so must our society’s institutions! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Mary

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brassyhub October 6, 2013 at 12:07 PM

I’m a husband in the same boat. My wife came out to herself and me in May after 33 years of marriage. Honestly my first reaction was one of compassion for the immense suffering that has been hers, since when she was young, and first felt same sex attractions, that was unthinkable at that time and place. Completely outside the realms of possibility. So she’s struggled with these feelings, endured several tormented friendships, and one very brief affair (sex but little love). I was and am shattered, but supportive. Because I love her. We’ve talked more than even before. I think we were both in denial. A low-sex marriage has become a no-sex marriage. There’s no new close friend in sight for her, and she’s not looking, though I’ve told her that at least part of me wants her to know the joy of a totally giving sexual relationship. To re-assure you, we are in therapy, together and separately.
I would like to believe that young people today are freer to explore their sexuality; that they are less likely to repress their true orientations; and so that they are less likely to find themselves in the uncomfortable place that we are in!

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babygirl August 10, 2013 at 9:22 AM

I am seeing a woman that is in a LTR with a man, 3 years. If thats LTR… I recently left my partner of 10 years. The 2 are NOT RELATED. The woman I am seeing now happened well after the break up. I think we both want the same things but its like talking about it puts pressure on the situation. Its only been a few months…I feel more with her than I ever did in my life and her the same. In my mind I’m like please leave,please be with me. There are no kids involved. He makes good money,she is straight-fell for me- story of my life. I make decent money and she isn’t like that anyway-worried about financial matters. Idk. I’m just venting more or less. Its definitely a situation that if I read about I would tell me to RUN…but I don’t….because I love her and will wait. And if this is all it ever is I say I am ok with it…So 2 years from now will I be? It is a very confusing situation and I empathize with all those in similar situations. AAAhhh love,how grand. PUKE.

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Nikita maan August 11, 2013 at 3:48 AM

I am in very depressing situation in todays date . i am an indian lesbian . Me and my gf have been in a relationship for past 1 yr . She loves me and even i love her alot . But recently she has cut off every kind of communication with me , i could’nt find a reason unless and until i talked to her borther and he told she is getting married to a guy soon . I talked to her about it and she said she can’t deny this marriage as this is what indian culture is all about , she said she does’nt want my life to ruin so this is the reason why she has cut every means of communication so that i have enough time to get over it . She did everything possible for me to hate her so that i could get over her . She knows i love her alot and so do i . Its getting really hard for me to accept the fact of her marriage . She was the reason for my happiness . I even doubt i could love anyone the way i loved her . I dont know what i should do at this point , each and every day that pass’s leaves me in more depressed state . Each and every day my brain reminds me of the beautiful moments we shared . I did everything for her happiness . I dont know how to get rid of this pain :(

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bella August 16, 2013 at 5:48 AM

I’m also in need of help with something similar.
Over a year ago I met the most amazing, beautiful woman I had ever met in my life. I find out she is married, with a child that her husband adopted. At first she seemed crazy about the man, but the more I got to know her the more I realized things aren’t always as they appear. Her husband is away for 8 months out of the year due to his private well paying job. So in 5 years they have physically been in each others presence less than a year. The whole time she is alone with her small child dealing with everything alone. Death’s, anniversarys, bills, house needs and a job of her own. Being told to always be available to him via text, call, or computer and the minute she wasn’t she caught hell. Keep in mind she suffers some serious health issues as well..

I came into her life, her child’s life and there was an instant connection. One day I wake up and realize I’m head over heels for this woman and her child is just the most amazing kid ever, he had stole my heart way before she did. I later find out that she feels the same way about me….right before her husband is due home for a month. This was extremely hard for us both, but she made it clear he was first and always would be..
He leaves, her and her child move in with me. Things seem to be going great….in between the fights over him, and me feeling less than human bc she has made it so clear I will never be her only, but being so crazy about her I stay…until he comes back months later…. of course staying under the same roof so she and I could be close to one another. I can see this is literally ripping her to shreds. Her smile isn’t there anymore, she’s under so much stress and pressure. He wants a trophy wife to cook and clean and wait on him hand and foot while he lays on the couch. She had to force him to do things with her child. Hold her kid up bc “daddy” doesn’t spend time with him.
All the while finding every reason to be next to me, in our bed. With him less that 20 feet away totally clueless about us.
Mid visit, I can no longer hold it together. Seeing him even sit next to her makes me see red. Shes the woman I’m in love with, I’m the one she swears she wants to spend the rest of her life with…. so why is he still in our home?? I finally come unglued. I tell her I can no longer be second fiddle, a fill in while he was away. Mind you this whole time 6, 7 months I have been faithful to her, not so much as looking at another woman. Even with them sleeping together just a few feet away in another room of our home so he doesn’t suspect anything. When I fell apart and told her I could no longer allow myself to be in that situation, that I wasn’t trying to make her decide who she wanted bc she had made that very clear, but I had to remove myself from our relationship, or lack there of for my own sanity and self worth.
It was the hardest decision I had ever made. Still madly in love with her. Her response wasnt what I expected. She broke down and swore I was who she wanted that she told him she wanted a divorce. That if I could just wait for her for a few more weeks till he left she was divorcing him. But seeing how I had been told from day one I was second this sudden change didnt seem real so of course I don’t believe her. We fought so much the next few weeks till he left. 4 days before he leaves she tells me we are at the finish line. “Don’t give up on me love, we are almost there, almost together forever like we should be”. The day before he leaves I’m told ” my heart is divided again, I need time.” WHAT??? Omg I’m crushed, though I knew it was going to happen this way. I was told over and over if you really love me you will wait for me, let me make my own decision, who ever is here in the long run is who I’m meant to be with. So naturally I don’t go anywhere, instead I love her more than ever. We end up moving together, a fresh start..now I’m leaving out all the times she left me with out warning, changed her number and stopped speaking to me bc she was “confused, or scared.”
Bc I’ll admit my words and actions caused a lot of that fear she had.
Once we moved in together, she moved all of his things to storage and it was just us….but not really. Bc she is still married. I have a melt down and tell her I can’t continue to be with her if she is going to stay married to him bc that means it will never be just me and her. I’m told she’s just scared about the divorce, but promised I am the one she wants and loves so she will go file. Two weeks later her husband shows up at our home out of the blue. He told her just two days before that he wasn’t coming in bc she was divorcing him. Just so happens I’m sick that day and leave work early to go home to her and “our” son. She calls me as I’m driving home, literally 3 mins from the house and tells me he is there not to come home. Again I say wtf?? I’m sick and this is what I get?? I’m not at all happy, but she said just let me get him out of here and ill call you. Granted it only took about 30 minutes but I’m still sitting in my car sick below my house bc her husband decided to show up…I’m not happy. When I get home I see that she’s upset, so I hug her, tell her I love her and its going to be ok
As I make my way to lay down she seems upset. She feels I should have been more excited and proud of her for that huge step she just took. Which I was, however I was just told not to come home to OUR home bc her husband was there. Though she did turn him away, I knew in my heart that didn’t really mean anything bc she was still in fact married to him and could easily kick me out and bring him right back. Like she was keeping him in her back pocket “just in case” we didn’t work.
Needless to say the next few days all we did is fight. She felt I should be patting her on the back, I felt like she needed to take that final step, seeing how she told ME this is what she wanted. She came to ME and said I’m divorcing him bc I’m in love with you, not him. In the heat of an argument she packs my things and puts them on the porch after things get physical between us..nothing major, but enough for us both to be angry. I ask her if she wants me there, if she wants me?? Her reply is I need time to think about it..so naturally I get hurt and carry my things to my car and leave. The next 5 days are horrible. I find comfort at the bottom of a bottle, hit rock bottom bc I don’t hear from her. Just to find out that she did in fact make all our fights valid, she proved me right. She moved him in our home, brought all his things back and hung his clothes in the same spot she originally hung mine. A few days go by and we begin to text, then eventually see each other..days go by and I realize we are talking or texting non stop. Even with him home, she is finding every reason to leave the house so she can spend time with me.. for the first time in over a year she and I actually talk about things, everything. The good, the bad, then the obvious, her marriage and the fact she’s been so back and forth. Finding out a lot of our fights actually started bc we had a mutual friend we seen as a brother who was pitting us against each other. Bc he wasn’t happy he didn’t want us to be happy. We both had proof of the things he was saying and doing to us both.
The more time we spend together the more she and I realize we are still crazy about each other. But, and a big but, she’s still married. We continue to talk non stop, every night until one of us fell asleep on the other. Her husband still there..oh, yeah I forgot to mention…she told her husband about us.. he and I actually sat at the same table together with her when that mutual friend came to get some of his things that was at her house so he couldn’t start anything. Figure if we are all there he can’t say anything. ..amd he didn’t. Neither did her husband to me. The whole time she and I texting each other flirting, being sweet with one another with him right there knowing everything..
As we continue to talk she says she hopes once he leaves that things will stay the same. She felt the only reason I wanted her was bc he was in and once he left then I would as well. Said she hoped I would maybe spend a night or two with her so she could sleep in my arms again. Have me home again, that maybe just maybe we could be roommates. For her child, as well as for us. The day he leaves she calls me and asks me to come over. Once I get there we go grab dinner. Shes smiling from ear to ear and says ” thank you”. I ask why. She said that even though she was sad and cried when he left that having me there next to her made her happy, it felt normal. Its now been a month since I moved back in with her. We’ve only had one fight, and it was very small compared to before. We both ran our mouth, but we also found out that though we were slowly heading in the right direction we were both still scared, and for just cause.
Now I’m back to being confused and scard. She barley speaks to him, less and less the more we are together and growing stronger. With out the drama from our former friend we were doing so great.. I can see it in her eyes, feel it in her kiss, her actions are spot on with being in love with me. Even says it every now and then when she thinks I’m asleep. When we make love its obvious there is so much love and passion between us…but I’m terrified that in two months when he’s due to come in again that she will be done with me. Or that I will never be enough for her, I will never be her only. In three days it will be 13 months that we’ve been together, still she is married and I feel less than bc I’m not good enough, he’s still in her back pocket… that again ill be left broken hearted and alone. Without the love of my life, her child that I love as my own and our future that I see for us. I understand the hesitations on both parts, the doubts…but I also know that I’m in this for the long haul bc I’m crazy about her.. my heart is just very scared the same thing is going to happen again.. sooo… mary, and anyone else who wants to give some advice please do so. Let me add a key thing here. I’ve been out and very open for almost 15 years now…she has never been with a female until me, never cheated on her husband or even had thought of it till this with me. The thought of another female looking at her much less hitting on her makes her furious and makes her sick. Shes said since day one she fell in love with me, not bc I was a female or what was between my thighs or what I could do for her in bed, but simply bc of me and who I am and how I make her feel. Please help! !!!

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Em October 25, 2013 at 7:31 PM

I was the girlfriend of a married woman and her husband was letting her figure herself out. He was cool with it because he thought he was going to get something out of it. A threesome? Two girlfriends? I could tell from the beginning he was playing cool but I wasn’t buying it.
We fell in love and I tried to make this work. howeVer, you cannot compromise your values and wantS forever. the lonely nights add up, the holidays alone, the times she cannot spend with you because she needs to be with her husband, and the feeling you are #20 on her list of priorities. Sometimes you wonder if you are a priority.
I walked away. I said I loved her but this situaTion sucked and my door is open if she is someday single. She has disappeared. The life changing choices are not yours to make. They are hers.
Your wants and needs matter too…as for the husbands, do not take out the anger on the girlfriend. It is your wife you are angry at.

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dg November 26, 2013 at 5:17 PM

how did you get the courage to just walk away? I get so angry at her for not making a choice but I guess I’m doing the same exact thing? my girl and I were friends long before anything happened between us, so every time I break up with her she bEgs that we stay close friends, even though I know the only thing that will keep us from falling into each others arms again is a complete split I give her what she needs. I’m to the point where I’m seriously thinking about moving out of state just to have that. I feel a lot like your comments I read and I am ready to walk away I don’t know if your girl continue to contact you at all but mine Does And convinces me every time we can stay friends. where do I find the courage like you to walk away?

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Mary Malia February 23, 2014 at 6:41 PM

When you truly believe you are WORTH someone and something better, that’s when you can walk away. It doesn’t mean you won’t miss her but you KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that it won’t work and there is better out there for you! That’s how I did it. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the old relationship will never work, there is no point in going back and there is something better out there for me. Get your eyes off the past and on the prize. xoxo, Mary

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Bee October 28, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Im in almost the same situation, but im not yet married. Iv been in a lesbian relationship for almost two years and i also have a five year relationship with a man. Having a lesbian affair is very new to me,in fact it was my 1st time. I spend a lot of time going out, talking with my girlfriend i can be myself when im with her, i can do all the sweet nothings without awkwardness.
I started reading blogs that can help me to decide, to understand what i truly want. And up to know im still confused. There were times that i wanted to break up with my boyfriend but my mind controls me to do it. Please advise me what to do i badly need help

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Mary October 28, 2013 at 8:34 PM

Hi Bee,
Well you’re in a tough spot. One of your lover’s knows and the other does not. Ask yourself some questions… Do you feel good and have peace when you’re with the man? Do you stay with him because you are afraid of what other’s will say if/when you leave him? Do you worry about what others will say if they find out you’re with a woman? It takes courage to come out of the closet. It takes courage to end any relationship and sometimes we hid out with a new lover instead of facing ending a relationship and being alone. I don’t know the answer for you Bee, but these questions will help move you further along. Wishing you well, Mary

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bella December 22, 2013 at 1:07 AM

Its me again…Just wanted to update. Its now 12-22-13 and he has been in since 11-1-13 . From about the 6th or 7th day he was in this time he has been is his own room on the other side of the house.she told him that she could no longer lay next to a person she wasn’t in love with. She moves all his things to his room, took her wedding band off and told him they could remain friends for their son…If and only if he respected the fact she nolonger wanted to be with him, or stay married to him. He would also have to be civil toward me and understand that it was my home too and I wasn’t leaving no matter what he said or done. Since the first conversation I’ve been in our bed next to her, every single night. Which he isn’t happy with and has made some smart comments about it…but I simply don’t respond due to her son being here. Thats his father, he still some how looks up to him so therefore I keep my mouth shut. He has been delayed here for several weeks, was due to leave on dec 1st, but will be here till almost the 1st of Jan.
He of course runs his mouth about me and we’ve both made it very clear how we feel aboit one another. However we are civil for the most part bc of the child. Her health has gotten much worse, but I’ve been there every step of the way, just as she has me.we’ve grown much closer than I ever thought possible. They have already split everything and are in the last part of their separation, next is the divorce. Which she is honest and says she is nervous but that’s to be expected. He’s really shown his true colors this time and she’s seen firt hand that he doesn’t care about her at all. To be honest, that part is kinda sad to me…bc she is such an amazing woman. She doesn’t deserve to feel less than and that’s what he does.
She hasn’t wavered what so ever with her feelings toward me or him..if anything she’s telling me more and more each day just how thankful she is for me and that I didn’t give up in her or us. She tells me daily just how much she loves me and she’s sorry it took her so long to shut one door to open ours completely. And was honest about her fears about being in a female relationship…especially the first one ever and falling in love witb me. That she fought so hard to stop her love and feelings for me bc it terrified her. But once she realized just how happy I made her and her son that she realized she couldn’t live without me, and wanted to make sure she did things a little better this time…meaning closing that other door before she and I could finally and truly be together. This woman is amazing, and our love for one another grows stronger each day. Even with the stress of the divorce and the things we went thru in the past neither of us can imagine life without the other. We are growing and loving and building a life together that feels amazing, that feels right…and while I know it will not always feel this semi perfect or always be rainbows and butterflies I’m more than willing to go thru the valley’s and over the bumps to feel so loved, be this happy, and lay next to the most amazing, most beautiful woman in the world whom I love more than anything..
I bookmarked and checked this page weekly to see if anyone had gave me any advice, hoping for some form of help….that never came. And now I can say thank you…bc I wouldn’t have wanted to second guess myself and my feelings or her and her feelings. In closing I say this…if you truly love someone. ..not just a crush or like but you deep down truly love them…never give up, bc we are proof….it can and will happen. .I’ve never been happier or this in love…I sincerely wish this feeling for every single person who reads this….bc its the best feeling in the world!!!

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Brezy January 16, 2014 at 6:57 AM

U r givin me hope a little same situations the girl use to b a leabians been hurt by many girls decided to give a guy a tried was datin him for 2 years and got married bout to hit their 1 year mark and have a 4 months year old child she is in love with wants to make her marriage works but still want me its crazy becuz they way i feel for her its the same she tol me their relationship was havin problems before i got there he had hurt her n some ways but she always stuck it out she tol me he change every since they been married when she was pregnant she had to beg him to do things before she even tol me how she felt bout me felt like i have known her my whole life like i finally found my soulmate but shes married i was in a long relationship i thought the girl i was with would b the 1 but i met married woman n my whole life is in a new direction she even tol me how did i fell through the crack cuz she been hit on multiple time but when i came in the picture and she got to knw me she realize i made her happy she basically tol me i saved her life she was in depression mode her and husband wasnt communicating nothing til i came in and she said she never been this happy i eventually tol her i found her attractive and she is cool and all for about 2 weeks we never did anything we kept it as friends i flirt once in awhile but thts it it was like we ignoring how we felt for each other it started with her askin for a 3some to now shes loves we are not “in love” she thought bout leaving him twice jus to b with me shes mad becuz i do things for her she wishes she he does for her i dnt do it on purpose and she knws tht so now she is torn becuz she is so happy with me she is calm when shes went she tol me one time they were havin sex and she thought bout me the whole time n tht never happen we get into arguments but she never let me go she tol her husband how shes feels bout me n hes ok with her havin sex with becuz i can please her in ways he cnt he claims hes not worry becuz shes not goin nowhere but everytime i see him and her react shes more bout me but yet keep tellin me she wants to work it out with him i cnt live without her and she cant live witout me but she wants to try and make her marriage work but yet she still want to kiss me cuddle all the other stuff but sex we have yet to have sex becuz she havent been with a girl in a while and plus she wants to having feelings so i guess husband been actin right when im around but when i leave its a whole new story idk my mind is sayin leave her alone but my heart is like “be patient dnt give up” im so angry at myself becuz i have strong feelings for her i want us to b together jus me her and her son like she gets sad becuz i want to leave her alone becuz i want to step bak becuz thts wht she wants i see it in her eyes and i feel it tht she wants to b with me soooo bad but yet shes wants to work it out we been keepin it friends level but she misses what we had when we started this but she gets mad n tell me to go with the flow every time i jus want to cut it off it hurts becuz she tlks like she goin to b with forever but wants these things with me idk no more i tol her i will leave her alone so she can thinks but she doesnt want tht im the good guy n shes the good girl n we both hate the fact tht we didnt meet each other before she married him but everything happens for a reason so i read ur story n it made me smile becuz my heart is sayin “dnt give up be patient” we have a strong connection we are so drawn to each other n idk i think i am fallin in love but im fightin it n catchin myself becuz shes married uggghhh!!! Thanks for listening

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J December 22, 2013 at 1:15 AM

Hi Bella! Thank you for updating and sharing your story with us. It’s uplifting to know that there are positive outcomes. I’ve mostly come across stories where relationships like ours end horribly.

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Dimples February 10, 2014 at 10:27 AM

Dear JM I was in a relationship with a Lesbain but she was bisexual we had been dTing for 11 it would have been 12 come Dec 3 2014 but instead we broke up an it was very nasty . I am going to tell u sill about how it begin she approche me of Dec of 03 . Husband was in Iraq for a yr an one thing led to another an as the time got better we keep doing what we do but the I think my husband and kids figured it on never said nothing because they looked at her as part of the family . We Kept it strong an husband never said nothing are he never wanted to do nothing with me meaning outside if the house are in side if u know what I mean , so I would go tou lover. Tell finally she was turning 50 of 2013 an she wanted someone to grow old with an she started dateing another married women that is about a yr are 2 then her but my frd became homeless for about 3 mths before her bday and started talking to her cowewoker and started lieing to my face and talking about me behind my back an about my family to this women . Then she told me that this lady had divorce paper an she was leaving her husband but never been in this life style my frd turned her out but then my frd still wanted to be frds with me should I are not? We have said some ugly things to each other and I said to her lets leave the frdship behind because we will never see eye to eye because of the way she did it. As for me an my husband he said he would try an work on our marriage he did for a lil while but he went right calling me names and thinking about her that I am running behind her I told I love her but I don’t want her she have told some of my personal bussines to ppl not 1 but 3 xs. So finally I had to see a lawyer and get divorce papers he signed them but I never turned them in yet I moved out about 2,weeks were working on as beening frds an dating I told him our love life got lost an I am sorry I even asked him to go to consoling he said no . But as for her I told her what goes around will come around remember that an good luck . I was wondering should I stay away from her an work on my marriage which I am ? I love my husband but he will have to forgive an forget? And work on our relationship in an out an how a person wants to be love ? I am not going to lie sometimes I do think about a women touch?

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AM February 11, 2014 at 12:34 PM

Hello! I am currently emerging from a similar situation, but I am the married woman. I have been married for 9 years to a great man and have three beautiful children with him (he is ten years older and we are devoutly practicing Christians. I am the youngest of three girls and have three girls of my own, if that offers any insight on the situation). I do not despise my husband and cringe at the thought of divorce and becoming a single mom with three kids seven and under. However, our relationship has never fulfilled me emotionally. He is intelligent, kind, independent, stable, attractive, responsible and a great father. But, I do not and have not felt a deep emotional connection with him for some time. In October my father died of cancer then recently, I had my first experience with the other woman and it has completely changed my life. We have only had intimate physical contact three times but she connects with a part of me that no one in my life ever has, even without touching me. This has raised many questions in my mind about my own orientation, but I am leaning towards the fact that I have a deep need for emotional connection that is not being met and I just happen to connect with her. She is a proud lesbian but is ten years younger than me and still in college. I feel like our different stages in life have dictated the answer to our situation: that, at least for the time being, it cannot work for us. Outside of her I have never even kissed another woman but I admit to thinking about it in the past and even admit to feeling attracted to women in the past. For me, I do not believe that a polyamorous situation will ever bring me peace or happiness but I feel completely trapped by my situation. My family and many of my friends are extremely conservative and to choose to leave my current situation for a lesbian lifestyle would probably end many relationships with people I love, including family members. I would, in essence, have to give up my life as I know it, which I’m sure anyone who is gay would understand. My lover and I mutually decided to cut off all contact between us a week ago so that we could each sort thigs out and it has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest decision of my life. I want what is best for her too and she does not deserve to get dragged through a messy divorce (if that’s what this comes to) while she is finishing college. I feel like a part of me has died and my husband knows about the affair. He has even comforted me in my tears and done many kind gestures trying to make me happy but nothing helps. I’ve had breakups before but none ever like this. It feels as if I’ve tasted the forbidden fruit then it was slapped from my hand before I could take another bite. I have an appointment to see a counselor next week but am not hopeful that I will find a solution that works for everyone. I am losing my faith in God and in love and I hate myself for betraying my husband and children. There are so few people in my world who could even listen to my story without judging; I feel so alone. Can anyone suggest any resources? I am happy to be proactive. Please help.

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MV March 29, 2014 at 10:06 PM

I began reading so that i may gain some insight on my situation. My girlfriend and I have been dating now for almost 8 months. She has been married to her husband for ten years next month. She and her husband have been together since high school. She and I met in undergrad school and became friends instantly. About a year after graduation, we were hanging out after a baseball game. We decided to have a few more drinks in the hot tub and having our usual conversations. At some point the mood shifted and we kissed. She has been with other women and her husband knew all about it. However, when we kissed we both expressed the fact that it was intense. We made out for ours that night. I was initially under the assumption that she informed her husband. She informed me that he does not know and doesn’t want him to know. I asked her why she didn’t tell him and she said that he does not need to know about us.

Shortly, thereafter, we both expressed that we have both fallen in love with each other. He is on the high side of the moderate level of emotionally abusive. She acknowledges the abuse and she does want to leave. We talk about our future and having a child together. The issue is that she has children with him. She wants to leave but does not know when. She tells me that she understands if I want to leave or if I find someone else. We tried taking a break… and that did not work. We are completely in love and it’s hard. I have been single for a long time (out of choice). I have messed around with married and straight women before. Husbands and boyfriends were always kept in the loop. I have never been a part of any affair until now. I have had opportunities to be the other woman but have always been able to stop. But with her, it’s different.

I have dated kookooness, and to find a woman who gets me, accepts me for all of my flaws, and is supportive… I can go on and on. I am a very picky person and she has every quality I have ever asked for. On some level I am hopeful that our story will one with a happy ending. That good things do come to those who wait. She has a lot on her plate. I can see why she chooses to stay and I see why she wants to leave. She feels that aside from his verbal lashes, they have also grown apart. But he is all she really knows. We want the same things and the same future. But it is hard for her to leave. I understand that… and I can only pray and hope that in time the road will lead to happiness. If our love is meant to be… it will happen regardless. It is the fear of the unknown that is nerve wrecking.

I don’t know what I should do, but if the love is really there, then all will happen in time.

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Ms. S April 24, 2014 at 10:13 AM

Hey to everyone,

Don’t know if this will help some of you out there who are in the same situation as I was, but I know it helped me a bunch when I read I wasn’t alone in a situation like this.

Years ago, I met this incredibly dynamic and fun woman, owner of a business, during a business meeting. At that time I was trying to sell her some design services, so she seemed interested and we exchanged contact info.

We became acquainted and started going out for lunch occasionally. I knew she was married although she rarely spoke of him at all, the only detail I was aware of was that he was a much older man than her, 30 years older to be correct.

One day, while having lunch, I made a comment about the relationship I had with my partner and she was surprised, she nearly dropped her jaw and asked me to repeat again what I was saying. She couldn’t believe I was gay.

After her reaction, I thought she would not contact me again, but to my surprise, she insisted that we would go to a beach trip together and she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I kept refusing to go to the trip but life got too hectic and things with my former partner were not doing well at all, so I felt I needed a holiday and I accepted.

I knew something was going on, because a couple of weeks before the trip I started feeling a flirtatious attitude that came both ways and I felt this incredible need to touch her hand or any part of her for this matter.

While we were walking on the beach, with the perfect sunset, drinks in hand and all, she confessed she had been in a relationship with another woman for 8 years. I was shocked.

There was this intense force of attraction that had been secretly building up for years already, and it wasn’t long before we ended up in bed.

It as an amazing holiday but we had to come back to reality and I felt compelled to tell my partner that I was unable to continue a relationship with her when I knew my heart was already somewhere else.

This story is already getting to be too long, so to sum up, we went to all these amazing trips, had wonderful moments, happiness with her was beyond whatever I would have ever dreamt of, but so was misery.

I was ecstatic when I was with her but totally wrecked when she had to go home to her husband. We both enjoyed being together so much that we even went as far as finding a way of living together. So we did… her husband, my lover and I, ended up living all in the same house. But it always felt wrong to me. Deep inside I knew I wasn’t happy with the situation because I had been taught differently about what a meaningful relationship should be.

The husband pretended he didn’t know about us even when we both slept together in the same bed while he slept in another room. This guy even believed that he could get it going with me and started trying to flirt and even kiss me or touch me, which I totally hated because he was 40 years older than I was at the moment and it was totally gross, specially because I liked him but sort of like a father figure.

This was my life for 3 years, but remorse and shame took over me, that feeling that I was betraying myself and my principles. So I couldn’t help it and I was unhappier and unhappier as days went by.

I cannot think of anyone else in my life whom I’ve adored as much as I’ve adored her. She was just this type of person who would light up whichever room she would walk in to and I admired, respected and cared for her like no one else but in my mind, I felt like she had to put an end to her lies and tell her husband about us so that we could be together. Therefore, one day, her husband asked me if we were lovers and I decided to tell the truth.

I was naive. I thought that all she needed was that little push to defeat her fears, that once the cover was blown, she would be free. I couldn’t have been further from the truth.

I was nicely requested by him to leave the house (which I thought was reasonable) while “they” tried to rescue their marriage. My lover silently agreed with him.

During this conversation, I came to know some things that made me feel insecure. You see, many times she swore she didn’t have sex with him ever since we started but now that things were laid out on the table, he told me he had been having sex with her all that time and I believed him because he wasn’t one to lie. This made me feel awfully confused and sad. She swore he was telling lies.

Regardless, I loved her so much that I decided to believe her story and some weeks later and after many fights and pressure from me, it was decided that she’d move to a house next to theirs and that I was going to live with her. We did everything, from picking the courtains, the fridge, the bed, etc. You name it, we got it, I was like this newly wed wife building the house of her dreams, but she looked ever so scared and shocked by the whole deal. She definitely wasn’t as happy as I was.

The first week we moved in, she couldn’t sleep and she would run every morning to her house to take a shower there. Her husband came in one day to make a scene while some friends were there and she was even more scared. So at the 7th day, she sat down, cried and with her hands shaking, she told me she couldn’t do it anymore.

She asked me to stay in that house, I guess so that she’d have me next door but I refused to do it. It was clear to me that she was unable to face up to the challenge of leaving him. So I left.

That happened on February and we kept seeing each other but it was never like before, she resented me for all the trouble that my truth telling moment had brought to her and I resented her for not leaving him.

I spent 4 months in complete anxiety and begging her to consider things, crying, with my heart pounding so much that I swore it would come out of my throat. I was unable to sleep at night and kept encouraging her to make it work because I knew we belonged together, something in my heart told me so.

Coming June, I felt I needed to get away from it all, it was clear I wouldn’t be able to do it by myself so I started going out with someone else, I grabbed this someone else as someone would grap a tree to keep from drowning in the middle of a wild river. When she found out about her she went ballistic and she did everything possible to push my buttons in order to get me back to her but I knew I had to be strong because she had promised the same things over and over again but she would never come through and I was being destroyed by this relationship.

I cannot tell you how much of a mess this whole thing became, my family was in two minds about this and we even had fights over it because they also loved her very much. She did terrible things out of spite, including business dealings that would hur my business, and I met a side of her that I didn’t know where she used money to try to control me and buy people around me.

Deep inside it’s clear to me that she did it because she was hurt and because she loved me in her own little way, but I had to understand that her way of loving was eventually going to crush me and that I had to choose: her or me.

Yesterday, I went out running, it was strange because I never go running at the time of the day that I did but, while I was at it, I realized there was a car nearby which looked a lot like hers. Sun was at its peak, I couldn’t make out who was in it, but I decided to keep running (there had been many times before when I had thought it was her car and it was just my imagination). As I approached it, I could distinguish two people in it, and suddenly I realized it was her, but her husband was there too.

I just passed by and waved my hand, they looked like they were getting ready to open the windows but I kept running and I ran as fast and as far as I could run.

I have no doubt that the forces of life try to draw us together but I’m also certain that it is probably not during this life that we will be together. I’m aware that money and stability are important to her and that is something I cannot provide at the moment and even though I would have been the best me I could be just to fill her needs, I’m aware that her fear was greater than her.

Up to this day I think about her every single morning and every single night and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget her. I’m trying to rebuild my life and move on. I cannot say if I ever will see the world with the same happiness as I did before or if I’ll ever feel as in love as I felt. But I can certainly say that I don’t feel the torture anymore of wondering where she is, what she’s doing with her husband, and the overwhelming anxiety that comes from the uncertainty of being with someone who doesn’t know what she wants in life.

It’s been over 330 days without her already and I’m aware that this is similar to an addiction, so I’m taking it one day at a time. I can definitely say that I feel much more at peace and I hope someday I can heal completely.

My advice is to stay away from someone who hasn’t defined what they need. It hurts everyone involved and it makes you bitter and sad. It’s a dangerous thing to mess with because in many cases, you must leave yourself behind in order to fit in the life of someone who doesn’t have even have herself as a priority, someone who doesn’t understand the importance or who simply doesn’t have the courage of being honest about her true self and to others. This lack of honesty and strength is not something that they should be judged for, au contraire, it is something we should feel empathy for, but that we need to be extremely weary about because it is my experience that in most cases, things end up badly for those who are intruding in the already established relationship.

If you’ve come this far as to finish reading this long post looking for insight, I do hope my advice helps you out, that if you find yourself in the same situation as I found myself in, and if you feel something about it tears you up deep inside, remember it all comes down to one thing:

It’s her or you. Simple as that. So take your pick!

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Newness April 28, 2014 at 2:17 AM

I have been married for 7 to my boyfriend of 8 yrs. I have 2 kids (2+6.) Last year a collegue and I became friends. We met in feb, and connected. At some point, I suspected she is bi-sexual. When friends, I was attracted to her…strongly. I couldn’t stop thinking about. I’d go home and think of her all night. I was very confused, I’m married, but keep thinking about kissing her, or pulling her close. One night we went out, and I placed a move on her. For 4 months we were in a confusing state…between friends, and I don’t know. Now we’re in a space of … Wanting to be together as much as we can. Her fiance and my husband know we friends. We try to get together, even with our guys, just so we can be together. Her fiance is pushing for her to set a wedding date…she only wants to be with me. I have 2 little kids, a marriage to a guy who is the perfect husband… I’m hurting my girlfriend as I can see her fighting guilt on cheating on her fiance…at my situation…at our situation…I remember thinking about a girl or 2 when I was younger, but put aside I guess. Even now, I don’t see myself wanting to be with another woman, just know I love this one. Seeing her smile, laugh, hearing her talk. What does one do in a situation like this? Surely my kids come before myself? My girlfriend is hurting, and I hate seeing her hurting…am I being selfish not to push her away and let her go?

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Confused May 4, 2014 at 1:56 AM

After years of living in the closet I have come out again. I have told my husband of 21 years and and we agreed to remain together until my 16 year old graduated. While I have assured my husband things will not change, he still loves me and goes out of his way to show me his undying devotion. I am torn between two worlds – one of being a lesbian in a world that recognizes me as such, and living in a marriage that doesn’t exist. I love my son and want him to have security during his last two years at home and his Dad and I get along…I have a friend that I want to be involved with, but we are remaining friends until I am divorced. I guess I need support/advise on what happens to teens when their mother leaves their dad, creates financial upheaval, and becomes an out lesbian?

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bella July 14, 2014 at 9:41 PM

UPDATE:
i wanted to share with the readers where she and I are at right now…in just a few days she and I and our 9 year old are headed out of town for a few days to celebrate our two year anniversary. She and I have gotten very close, our relationship is very strong and we both know where we each stand. Her sons father actually lives with us still, and fully knows everything. Tho he doesn’t like the idea that they are completely over, he deals with it. Even cracks jokes about our thin walls that he can hear everything. Every now and then he has to be reminded to know his place but for the most part he does. He has actually been in this whole time, so a little over 8 months. His job has held him over way longer than expected. So, after about three months of sitting on his butt he went to work….for us.. lol.. he works in the field of course with our clients..which I must say is pretty hilarious. We’ve both told him that his main Concern needs to be his relationship with his son..in which he is trying to build. As for she and I, its going so much better than either of us could have imagined. We of course have our disagreements, but we always talk about them..well now we do. That’s something we’ve been working on. She makes it no secret that we are together and that she is crazy in love with me..as I am her..so I wanted to update everyone and let them know…that if it is true love…it will work… it will end the right way. She and I are living proof. We are happy and in love, living our lives together as a family.. maybe not perfect to the world, but it is our world…so on the 19th of July we will celebrate our two years together. Tho the first was really hard, this last has been the most amazing..if your heart says it true…don’t give up… we didn’t..

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