Why I came all the way out…

by Mary Malia

During the month of February I was interviewed as part of the Live Your Best Lesbian Life Global Tele-summit and I shared about why I came out, how Gay Girl Dating was birthed and what’s important to me about helping women.

“Why I Came Out…”

Karen McCrocklan interviewed me. She’s fabulous! Fun! And a first rate lesbian! She asked me to share why I came all the way out and launched Gay Girl Dating Coach.

In the now thirteen years since I came out, I’ve had my ups and downs with life, children, jobs, finances and relationships. That’s what life is about. Both amazingly wonderful and sometimes very hard things have happened.

A reader asked recently if it would be rude of her to ask why I’m single if I’m a dating coach. Now she asked, so obviously she didn’t think it was too personal for her to ask. And honestly, I’ve answered this question many times, so I’ll answer it again. I’m single for a few reasons.  The biggest one is that about 12 years ago, I met a woman and fell in love with her. We became immediately intimate  and also lived far apart.

Our relationship was driven by our chemistry and attraction for each other which meant we developed a deep attachment but we never got along in the ways one must to make a relationship work and it was very hard to let go of that attachment. I started to study what made relationships work versus not work years ago. And both my personal story of picking someone who is wonderful but wrong for me drives my current mission to help women make better dating decisions up front.

Now after so many years of trying to make that relationship work, there is NO BIG RUSH to be in a relationship unless it’s one that’s really right for me. I’m doing the same things I tell my clients to do. I’m showing up for my life, creating happiness and joy, getting through the days that are sometimes not so sunny and loving helping my clients tackle dating in a way that is empowering.

“Better Dating = Better Relationships!”

And if you’re ready to fill your toolbox with better dating tools check out my upcoming dating workshop that I’m delivering live online March 1st.

Now get the rest of the story here:

If you listened to this long interview, thank you! However much you listened, I’d appreciate your leaving a comment below and telling me what was the hardest or easiest part of your coming out process!

Share your wisdom and experience with the women that come here to find hope, love, acceptance and support on their path to finding and creating an amazing relationship.

And wishing you all an amazing week!!!

pin it button Why I came all the way out...

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Arizona Welsh February 24, 2014 at 1:58 PM

I came out as a transgender MtF in December 2011 at the age of 45 (less than two months shy of my 46th birthday). For many years since I was 3, maybe even just before I turned 3, I always knew I was different, but being the youngest of three children to parents who were educators in Lutheran schools, I was exposed to only the man-woman-marriage-baby mentality from the church and school. I learned about gay people when I was in middle school but that didn’t fit me exactly because I didn’t learn about transgender people until 2 years ago. I did know about crossdressers, but also that they maintained their own gender which didn’t describe me either. The fact that I liked women and also felt like I was female as well was all I knew so therein lied my confusion based on the man-woman-marriage-baby mentality mentioned above. When I learned about another transgender MtF and her story/background, it was so similar to mine in terms of feelings and experiences, that I did a lot of research and told my therapist, and she worked with me on this for several sessions and she confirmed what I knew all along, and there it is. I’ve been living full-time as a woman and on hormones since May 2013. Before then, I always presented myself as a woman outside of my day job until they had everything in place to let me go full-time there.
I am still legally married, but the marriage has been dead long before I came out due issues not related to my coming out. Divorce will be coming soon.


kim February 26, 2014 at 8:14 AM

Thank you so much for sharing your coming out process and all the struggles you experienced. I came out at 48 and am now 51 and still struggle in my relationship with my son. He also did not talk to me for a long time and still communication is a struggle. The hardest part for me is the letting go of the security and structure and respect i experienced being a married mother of two children. My daughter is also good with my being lesbian, she is a lesbian also. However, she wasn’t good with it at first. She was angry because I had a hard time with her coming out process and then how dare I come out and leave her father and break up the family. It was also very difficult to break away from my husband who had been my best friend for 30+ years. We both always knew there was a struggle sexually and I was not the traditional docile domesticated woman that was the accepted norm in our lives and community. He is still friendly with me and I don’t know if that is a good thing but it was also a helpful support in a weird way cause I lost friends and family and couldn’t bear losing my best friend. We continue to be friendly but have boundaries so that we don’t go on the path of maybe “we should try to get back together”. That was and sometimes still is so hard. I came out by being involved in an chemistry (wow the chemistry) filled relationship with a woman who I have known since before I got married and am still involved with her. It has been tumultuous at times and I feel love for her but still struggle with some differences and not sure if it is me not allowing myself to fully engage or if it really isn’t the right relationship. So that is where I am in my coming out process. Thank you for sharing yours. It is really helpful to hear from women who have had similar struggles and be successful and HAPPY!


Janet March 17, 2014 at 11:13 PM

I think it’s funny that someone says why are you single if your a dating coach.
If you were married they would say ” how can you tell us how to date, when your married”.


Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: