Today, we are going to talk about Attraction Tip #2: Release the toxic ties and let go of the past.
We started with Attraction Tip #1: Envision the Relationship You Want to Be In. Now to get to that beautiful relationship you pictured, you have to cut the ties with the past and most importantly, the toxic ties.
What’s a toxic tie? It’s any relationship in your life that constantly drains you of feeling good about yourself, exhausts you with emotional demands and keeps you from living and being your best self. It keeps you from experiencing love for yourself and others.
As gay girls in a gay girl world, we know that toxic happens a lot. We’ve been in it, we’ve done it, we’ve watched it with our friends. Now its time to do something to clear that energy out of your life so you can start attracting the love that you truly desire and deserve.
A good relationship inspires you to be your best self, to expand and grow, to take chances and to enjoy life. It will give you the opportunity to feel good about yourself and to bring that good feeling into all that you do, including your relationship.
What does toxic look like in a relationship?
Let’s use “She” as the person who is toxic, but it could just as easily be a “He.” You decide. Now let’s look and see:
- She Blames – This is someone who is in love with her own voice. She gets energized by going on and on about what isn’t working in her life and constantly complaining to you and dumping frustrations on you. She doesn’t really want you to fix anything because she loves the sound of her own voice. She’s probably blaming you for everything that’s wrong!
- She Drains – We all know that needy person who constantly needs our help. She wants you to take care of everything, have all the answers and be responsible for her. She doesn’t want to take responsibility for anything or anyone – including herself. The problem is that you weren’t created to be responsible for her but every conversation is all about her need for help, direction, support or whatever her current problem seems to need from you.
- She Shames – She put you down, cut you off, made fun of your ideas and you in front of others. The Shamer ignored your boundaries. This person was so sure she was right about what’s wrong with you that she had you doubting your own sanity.
- She Discounts – She is controlled by her own need to be right so whatever you say, she discounts it and tells you what’s wrong with it. This is the woman who challenges every thing you say. It’s so hard to have a real conversation with this woman, that you just give up saying anything.
- She Gossips – You and I both know her. She talks about everyone behind his or her back. What does this give her – a false sense of power and it keeps her safe and right. She doesn’t have to get intimate and deal with her own issues cause its all about everyone else. The biggest problem is that you know she’s gossiping about you too.
Every one of these examples of a toxic person has you shut down, turns you off, leaves you feeling bad about yourself and closed to the goodness that life truly has to offer. Whether it’s a toxic relationship from your past or something you’re in presently, if you want to attract love into your life, you’ve got to get rid of what’s toxic in your life.
Here’s an exercise you can do with a journal to cut your toxic ties.
Take a few deep breaths to clear you heart and mind before you start. Then just allow yourself to think of someone from your past or present who fits one of the descriptions of toxic from above and then do the work below:
- Write down the name of a person in your life that has been toxic with you and then ask yourself -
- Am I able to be myself with this person?
- Do I feel accepted by him/her?
- Is this person critical or judgmental of me?
- Do I feel upbeat and energized when I’m around this person, or depleted and drained?
- What fears dominated me in this relationship?
- Does this person share my values? My level of integrity?
- Can this person celebrate my success?
- Do I feel good about myself when I’m with this person?
- If this is a current relationship what boundaries can I set that allow me to feel good about myself and safe relating to this person.
When you are finished with these questions, notice how you feel? Did you feel yourself open up emotionally and become more open to a relationship? Did you feel lighter? Did you feel safer? More clear?
That’s the feeling of a toxic tie being broken! Congratulations and keep up the good work.
Attraction Tip #2: Release the toxic ties and let go of the past.
Next we’ll talk about Attraction Tip #3 : Setting An Intention for Your Life!
In the meantime, I’d love for you to leave me a comment about this post. What did you learn about toxic people that you didn’t know before? Did you do the exercise? How do you feel now!
About Mary Gorham Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her real life philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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