2014 is about to arrive.

I’ve been thinking back over 2013 and the many goals I had for the year.

A few were reached, many were not reached and a lot were altered along the way.

What about you?

Have you done that look back yet?

Are you one of the lucky ones that found love and created a great relationship in 2013?

My heartfelt congratulations go out to you. That’s a big one.

Are you thinking you’re unlucky because you didn’t find a great love in 2013?

Well, it’s not time to give up is it.

Can I share on a personal level with you?

I came out late in life at 45 years old. That was 12 years ago.

My first relationship lasted 10 months. It was exciting, sensual, caring and of course extremely interesting. My first girlfriend was a truly kind and loving woman but I didn’t see us together forever. Then I met the woman I’d been dreaming about my whole life.

I quickly moved on to my second relationship with this woman. I met her about a year after coming out. I was crazy about her. She was the woman I’d dreamed about being with my whole life and there she was finally in my life. Well that blew up after 4 months. In part because she wasn’t over her previous relationship and she immediately returned to it.

It also didn’t work because I was the typical late bloomer and my level of intensity was overwhelming to her. I wanted too much too fast and I didn’t have the know how to make it work. Neither did I appreciate the value of going slow at a time when I felt like I had to be making up for lost time. Can you relate?

At that point in my life I was still dealing with a divorce, my children adjusting (or not adjusting to my coming out) and figuring out how to totally recreate my life at 45 after being in a marriage for over 20 years.

That was when the internet was new. There was little or no information available about coming out, living a lesbian life or how to date and create a great relationship. Now there’s information galore. It’s a beautiful thing.

Depression Took Over My Newly Out Life 

After that first love affair ended, I blew up internally. It was the first time in my life that I recognized depression was a problem in my life. I’d never realized  depression was an underlying theme in my family and I didn’t initially see it as a family issue as much as just my personal issue due to the upheaval I’d created in my life.

Looking back I was very fortunate in so many ways. I had a great job and great benefits. I actually took a leave of absence for 3 months and went into therapy, got on an antidepressant and focused on taking care of myself while figuring out how to create a new life, new friendships in the lesbian community and help my daughter adjust to the big changes in our lives.

During that time period, I cried hard every day for about 2 months. It was like I was crying 45 years worth of tears, sadness, hurt, loss and pain out of my body, mind, heart and soul over those 2 months. In a family were crying was forbidden, it was a catharsis for me to let go and cry that long and hard.

I’m sharing all this to say that one reason I focus so strongly on gratitude, happiness, uplifting stories and thoughts is because that pattern of depression is so deeply embedded in my little brain that I can’t ever let me guard down.

The key for me breaking out of the jail called depression wasn’t therapy. It wasn’t anti-depressants though they helped me through the deepest and darkest time of that depression. The breakthrough came when I learned how to pay attention to my own thoughts in a new way by actively re-programming my brain and my thinking using my body and incantations.

Affirmations became a way of life for me and 12 years later they still are. Beyond affirmations comes something Tony Robbins teaches and that I use myself and with clients – Incantations. No they aren’t magical but then again incantations are a way to connect to your own internal power and ability to generate feelings and energy to move forward in life.

Incantations Sound Crazy But They Aren’t At All

I like to think of incantations as “I am” statements. They keep me focused on what I want to be, create, feel, do and achieve in my life and in Gay Girl Dating Coach.

For me these run from “I am playful” which encourages me to let go of my super serious attitude and have more fun to another that focuses on my being a leader, being creative and being a doer in life. My personal incantations aren’t for everyone and that’s how it should be. They are personal to me and my challenges, my dreams and my goals in life.

For me, it’s easy to feel shitty. I can slide into shitty really fast – all I need to do is get over tired and over whelmed. That can happen almost any day of the week. The culture and rules in my family growing up made it easy to feel lousy about myself and about life. The things my father valued (and he was the “Pope” in our house) and the rules he enforced were crushing to me as the only girl in the family.

What Changed My Lesbian Life

It’s been life changing to learn a process that allows me to change the rules for my life. It means I’ve learned to change what is required for me to feel good about myself. That is life changing my friend. Life … changing…

Let me take this all the way back to the start… looking back on 2013 and the goals I set for this year… how’d I do?

I wasn’t able to save my relationship. It ended almost two years ago but I hoped we’d work things out. We didn’t. Some of the facts include that we’d been off and on for years. Never able to find a way to really get along and make things work. We loved each other and there was always lots of attraction but little or no chemistry for getting along.

That still hurts some days and most days that’s my ego talking not my heart.  You know when you love someone but it doesn’t work. It’s truly painful to realize it will never work and you must somehow figure out how to move on. I was drawn to dating coaching both because of my personal experiences with dating and what I’d seen friends and acquaintances go through.

If I knew 10 years ago what I know now, I never would have entered into the relationships I did when I first came out. It’s life changing to know yourself at a deep level and make choices that consistently honor your deepest self. If you don’t honor yourself, don’t be surprised when no one else does either. We teach people how we expect to be treated.

If You Don’t Honor Yourself, Don’t Be Surprised When No One Else Does

I was able to launch the Gay Girl Love Tour and do 9 tour stops that took me to Maine, Maryland, North Carolina, Tennessee and Texas and allowed me to meet and work with over 200 women.

Lesbian Summer School happened and it was a blast. Over 100 women participated in this free summer of love and gratitude series.

Gay Girl Dating Coach (um, yes that’s a version of me…) has run multiple group coaching programs this year and I’ve had the great honor to work with 20 women this year as one on one clients helping them break through their dating and relationship barriers. Thank you to each one of you for trusting me with your hearts and your most precious dreams. It is an honor.

What wasn’t on my plan for 2013 was attending Date With Destiny in Palm Springs this December. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was open and flexible and listened to the whisper of my inner voice telling me to go. I got to hang out with my friends the Browns – Buff, Pam, Shawn and Chris. They’ve all attended Tony events and were a major support as I dove into this intensive experiential process to design the life you’ve always wanted to live.

I also had a major breakthrough on an old emotional pattern that sabotages me often. It’s resentment. I’ve been running into this in myself for a good long while but not recognizing it as resentment. Then about three years ago, I saw it for the first time and knew it was resentment. It wasn’t until this year, about 6 months ago that I realized I needed to break this pattern. Getting conscious about this negative and destructive emotional habit has taken focus and a consistent questioning of myself along with seeking answers. I’ve gotten quite a few powerful insights and I’ll share those another time. Thank you Tony and all the people at Date with Destiny for a major breakthrough on this.

The Rules You Live By In Your Lesbian Life

Rewriting the rules for my life and for my values has been an amazingly powerful experience to go through and one I repeat on a regular basis every couple of years.

You have a set of rules you live by everyday. You are very conscious of many of your rules and many you have no idea about. We’ll talk about that in 2013 too.

Pulling Back the Covers On My Life

It isn’t easy actually in the moment but after the fact, I can breathe easier. I feel more connected to you as a reader. I feel more real, like the Velveteen Rabbit. It’s all the places on my fur that are rubbed off that make me more real. It’s the love and connection I feel to you as reader that make this whole thing real and worthwhile. Its the way you impact me to be my best self and I hope I do the same for you.

In 2014, let’s get real, let’s stop waiting to live the life we want and let’s team up to create your amazing lesbian life filled with love, a partner who is a great match and a relationship that magnifies the goodness and fun that life is all about.

In 2014, let’s have an f%^$’n Good Time!!

with much love!!

 

 

 

 

 

Mary Gorham Malia is the Gay Girl Dating Coach. Her mission is to help lesbians break through the barriers to finding lasting love and creating amazing relationships. In 2013, she launched the Gay Girl Love Tour to bring these strategies and tools to lesbians across the USA.

Mary is the founder of the Live Your Best Lesbian Life Global Tele-Summit. An exclusive event that features interviews with lesbians who live their lives out loud and are a voice for living your best lesbian life.

She’s been named #1 on the Top 10 Lesbian Dating Bloggers List, is a featured blogger for Huffington Post, DatingAdvice.com and an expert on YourTango.com.

Mary focuses on helping you love your gorgeous, handsome, beautiful, sexy lesbian self while helping you break through what holds you back from finding love and creating more happiness in your lesbian life.