Hit RESET!! 

We all have bad days…. As long as we’re on planet Earth, some days just don’t work out right. It’s worse when our day starts out challenging! Maybe it’s work that’s getting tough.  Or maybe it’s children who won’t listen. And perhaps it’s letting go of a relationship. When a relationship ends, that’s going to mean some challenging days ahead. Knowing when and how to hit your own reset button is important. And then connecting with YOURSELF to more consciously manage your emotions is key.

So…. Let’s look at this objectively.

What do you do when your car dies? You jump it!

What do you do when your computer crashes? You reboot it!

What can you do when your day is tanking fast? Reset your emotional thermostat.

What do you do when your day starts out on the floor emotionally? Stand the hell up, that’s what. You really are in charge of your emotions in so many more ways than you think. You can shift from being depressed to feeling good to feeling great. Hell yeah, it takes some effort and focus, but it is totally worth it.

Hit RESET!

Take three minutes. Make yourself do some slow deep breathing if you’re all tense. I can guarantee that if you’re tense, you are holding your breathe!  Put on your running shoes if you’re dragging butt and get your blood moving!

Change up the dialogue in your head. You know that endless commentary where you’re beating yourself up or beating up your ex-girlfriend or partner. No one is winning the war in your head. You are creating your own suffering! STOP! Hit Reset and start telling yourself loving thoughts.

Say kind, loving and tender things to yourself. Do I mean talk to yourself? Again, hell yeah! You’re talking to yourself all day anyway. Do it consciously and with the intention to make yourself feel better. It’s simple but not easy. Why, cause most of you don’t love yourselves much. You don’t forgive yourself. You don’t let go of your own mistakes and that’s why you won’t let go of the mistakes others make either.

Shift the dialogue! Shift what you are doing with your body!

Do something out of the ordinary! Run around the house FAST! Take a few deep breaths & force yourself to ONLY breathe deeply for 3 minutes, no thinking allowed.

When you are driving and road rage is coming up. Do something different. Send a blessing to other drivers. Stop your car. Get out and run around your car 4 or 5 times. Shift your physical energy and your mental and emotional energy will follow.

Take a three minute shower!
Shut everything down…. OR
Put everything into overdrive for three minutes.

Your crisis will be less daunting & you will get a fresh perspective. You’ll feel better. You’ll be healthier. And eventually you’ll be a lot happier too.

The only difference between those who work through and those who go under is who hit refresh & connect and who didn’t.

Come connect with me on Facebook. Tell me if you hit the Reset button today and why. 

big hugs to all of you. hug! hug! hug! Mary

About Mary Gorham Malia:

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Pizza and Lesbian Delivered to Your Front Door

Does the thought of that just make your knees weak? Maybe your palms got sweaty? Or perhaps that big double cheese pizza with pepperoni looks like the way to go. Just keep calling all the pizza delivery places in town and hope the love of your life shows up. But maybe the idea of finding love turns up your drive to break out of the box?

The next question is how the heck is this supposed to happen? Well its simple. I’m giving you an assignment. Get OUT of the house and start talking to people, anyone and everyone, guys and girls. One way to get comfortable with talking to strangers is by actually doing it. And one way to eventually be comfortable enough to talk to that really hot woman across the room is to be able to talk easily to anyone and everyone else in the room. Can you see the connection?

Have you ever been to an event, usually at a bar, where women circle the room? Over and over they walk around but never talk to anyone. That is not what I am talking about.

Where do you go to find love? Well you’ve got to talk to a stranger or two…

First, I want you to think of all the places you go in a week. The grocery store is an easy place to start.
How about the post office?
The library?
Your gym?
The dog park?
A bookstore?
The gas station?
A convenience store?
The place you get take-out for dinner?
Coffee shops?
Airports? An airplane?
Elevators?
Waiting rooms?
The laundrymat?
Standing outside food trucks waiting for a yummy taco?
Standing in line for movie tickets and while ordering snacks?
Am I making myself clear here? And if you never leave the house and never go anywhere where other people are, then you are correct, you will never meet anyone. Do you really want that?

The point here is that there are people everywhere you go and you need to practice talking to ALL OF THEM. If you tell me you can’t do that, I’m going to tell you that’s a very bad habit you’ve developed. You are not your bad habits. You aren’t your good habits either, but those are better things to have than bad habits like not being able to talk to people or not wearing clean clothes on dates. You aren’t those dirty clothes but you’re making a strong statement about yourself with that habit. The same thing applies to not being able to talk to people.

Start by observing people and then talk to them. Simple right?

So first start by just observing the people around you. Let’s use the grocery store as an example. You are in the produce section looking at apples. You see three other people also shopping for apples. You NOTICE they are picking different varieties. So you step up beside a guy, grab an apple, turn to him and ask “do you like this variety or the other? I’m not sure which to get?”

He says, “gosh I don’t know, my wife put it on the shopping list so I’m getting it.” Or maybe he says, “well I love Macintosh in pies and I’m cooking one today.” You continue by saying, “wow, I’ve never cooked a pie, is it easy?” Or, “well, which one’s better for eating versus cooking?” Or maybe, “well if your wife said get it, you’d better.”

You observe a person near you, you ask a question or make a statement to that person and they WILL actually respond back 99% of the time, particularly if you ask a question.

At the bookstore, see who’s looking at the same kind of books that interest you. Ask them if they’ve read the latest book by your favorite author? Or if they’ve seen the movie that was made from a book? Do you follow this?

Do this every day for the next 10 days and really change your world! Practice for 5 minutes every day. You might break that up into 2 minutes in the morning picking up your coffee at Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. Then add in 2 minutes at the counter ordering your sandwich for lunch. Then an easy 8 minutes at the grocery store after work. Then an additional 3 minutes at the gym. Yes! Talk to someone at the gym. The woman next to you on the elliptical or the spin bike or the yoga mat. And if you still say you can’t make this happen, get a dog and take it to the dog park or walk it through the neighborhood. It’s the easiest way to spark conversation with all kinds of people, plus honey if you can’t talk to anyone – you need a friend. Get a dog! Get out and walk that puppy and watch what magically happens.

The purpose of this is for you to learn how to have free flowing conversations with anyone. If you can talk easily with the woman you are not attracted to, that’s a benefit to you. Here is a clue, women are attracted to women who are interacting with other people much more than they are attracted to the wallflower who can’t even say hello. Gay girls want to be with someone who shows confidence in every day life and when connecting with her.

Proximity is power!

Someone asked me this week how to connect with “hotties.”  Here’s the process:

1. Get off the couch and get OUT of the house.
2. It requires you to be in the “hotties” proximity. You’ve got to live your life in such a way that you are where “hotties” hang out.
3. You have to be able to approach and have a conversation with that “hottie.”
4. Get it?

Now, let me say that I am assuming that in our gay girl world, “hottie” can and does mean many different things. That’s one of the joys of being lesbian. How we dress and feel about ourselves is wide open to our own interpretation. You are not trapped the heterosexual label of feminine and masculine expressions or having to look like Barbie or Ken. So what’s hot to you is probably very different than what I think is hot.

So to end the hottie discussion for now – you’ve got to have the confidence to walk up to that gay girl and say hi. I noticed that you’re shopping for avocados. I need one too but I’m not sure what’s ripe or not ripe.  And just like that you’re talking to a hottie. If you’re in a bar scene, then forget this approach – bar scenes are set-up for NOT being able to make approaches unless you are really in a state of certainty and confidence (for many gay girls that means using liquor for courage.)

And finally if it helps, let me confess that I’ve had to learn how to talk to strangers also. I grew up being painfully shy and I still have days when I have to remind myself that really good things happen when I just smile and say hello to people every where I go. I’ve met some really interesting people. Yes, I’ve met some people I don’t want to talk to again but that’s rare. And on top of that, I feel better about myself. It makes me feel good when I talk to others and show interest in them and their world because I’m making them feel good about themselves.

Try it. Go to the grocery store and ask someone a question about a product. People love to share their opinions and expertise. And then you’ll have the interesting experience of seeing the same person in another aisle and you’ll get to smile and say HI again or even ask another question about something else in the store. Now this shopping trip has become a shared experience for both of you. That’s a lovely thing.

Keep it simple, observe what the other person is doing, wearing, buying, holding in her hand. Ask a question about that. Smile while you ask and let a short conversation happen. And enjoy it.

You are growing your ability to talk to people you don’t know and eventually you’ll be talking to that hottie. What a gift, cause most of the time, that really attractive gay girl is someone you don’t know in the beginning. Right! Get the connection…

xo, Mary
Cause your Mama never taught you how to date girls!

PS: Do it. Start today. Come back here and tell me what happened. Yeah, I want to know. I’m heading out in 30 minutes to get a haircut from someone I don’t know and then go to a local coffee shop and get online for a Skype meeting with someone else I’ve never met before. See I’m doing it, you can too!

About Mary Gorham Malia:

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Do you dance? Did you dance under the full moon this weekend? Or are you a woman that cringes when talk about dancing comes up?

Dance has an amazing ability to shift your feelings.

I love to dance – sometimes. Over the years, dancing has been something I’ve used to express myself, play, flirt or just feel my body for a change. I tend to get locked up in my head with thinking versus feeling too often. Do you? Or are you mostly a feeler in your approach to life? I often dance when I’m alone because I know it will change my mood. When I feel down or just stuck in a funk, I can use dance to shift my energy and change my mood. Do you do this?

Shake Your Hips!

Now from another perspective, have you looked around when you’re at an event that is lesbian focused. Have you noticed that our community is just one part of society that is showing up as overweight, under-exercised, unhealthy and just overall  fat. Yeah, I said that word. We are fat and many of us are obese. It’s a big problem.

In a previous career, I worked for a large disability insurer. One of my last projects before I left that company eight years ago, was a study on obesity and its impact in the workplace and in healthcare. It was not a pretty picture and it’s gotten worse. I’ve heard three radio news stories in the last 10 days reporting on the epidemic in childhood obesity. It’s out of control.

And perhaps you all know that research tells us that a person who is obese is likely to develop diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and a lot of other issues related to being overweight.

What does any of this have to do with dancing? It’s the idea that when you are being physical, working out and exercising it puts you in a more conscious state. You become more conscious about your body. You feel things that you’re not likely to feel at other times. Honestly, dancing does that for me. I feel my belly, my hips and my arms and shoulders in ways I don’t typically.

Actually there was a lot of dancing last night. I attended a T-Dance for a while and got to dance with three charming women. Then I met friends for dinner. The DJ showed up at the restaurant for Cinco De Mayo and a lot of dancing happened. Not only was it fun, fun, fun but today I am sore, sore, sore because I’ve been too sedentary lately. Oh my god, do I need to get my butt in gear!

One of my friends didn’t want to dance. She was sitting at the table alone while her partner and a friend from out of state were having a ball dancing. Finally someone said to my friend, “hey, you’re friend is only here for one more day, why don’t you get up and join in the fun?” Why don’t we just jump up with out having to be coaxed to dance when the opportunity arrives? She did get up and dance. Hurray for her!

“I don’t feel like it” is another way to say “I don’t want to live my life”. Blah!

Really isn’t dancing just one of the things we chose not to do for so many dumb reasons. The biggest one being, “I don’t feel like it.” Really that’s the dumbest reason NOT to do something. That “I don’t feel like it” feeling is a trap that too many gay girls buy into all too often.

I don’t feel like exercising, so I am out of shape and overweight and actually feel awful about myself all the time.

I don’t feel like eating healthy so I am overweight and don’t feel well from too much sugar and fat in my diet and I feel awful about myself.

I don’t feel like talking so we can resolve an issue, so the issue becomes a death trap for a relationship and I’m left feeling awful.

I don’t feel like finishing the project I started, so it becomes an energy suck for years while I keep moving the unfinished and probably broken pieces of the project around the house, garage, basement, attic, shed or storage unit. Or I live with half-painted walls, unfinished floors and stacks of stuff that should have been thrown out a year ago and looking at it makes me feel awful that I haven’t finished it.

I don’t feel like being in this relationship anymore so off you go looking for greener grass. Instead of remembering what made the grass in your own yard was also green once upon a time and maybe you should be doing what needs to be done to make it good and green again.

Do you see a pattern in this? The things we often don’t feel like doing are what’s good for us. Instead we go take the short and easy route to pleasure and end up feeling awful in the long run. Hmmm…

I don’t feel like dancing, so I’ll just sit and watch life pass me by, like a bump on a log.

No sense in doing anything to make yourself feel really alive, take a chance on looking silly or moving your body and getting some exercise. No point in using dance to move your emotions to a different place. No sense in dancing as a way to connect with a woman you’re interested in. No sense in doing something that can create pure joy, pleasure and fun.

And let me be clear, when I talk about dancing, I mean the shake your hips kind of dancing. The just get up and move your feet and shake your hips and lift your arms up. We’re not talking about Dancing with the Stars. I lived in Texas for two years and never did really learn how to Two-Step though I love it. I think it’s so sexy to watch a couple of women or a couple of men two-stepping. It’s a total wow experience for me. I loved attempting it, but I always need a good lead. Someone who can lead going backward or forward cause I’m a two-steppin clutz!

I’m not a great dancer, I’ve just become convinced that it’s a key to easy and great exercise. It always makes me feel better. If I really want to let myself go while dancing and let my sensual self out of the box, it also always makes me feel attractive and sexy.

Have you had a chance to dance lately and you passed it up? What else have you passed up because you didn’t feel like it at the moment? Yeah, I knew there was something else.

I’m going to confess that I’ve been struggling with my weight. Today I was in the “I don’t care” funk. That feeling alone says I need more sleep and I’m overtired. I do care actually. And I’m going to admit it here that I’m struggling these days to get into a solid workout routine and stick to my healthy eating plan.  In the last year, I’ve gained 10 lbs. That’s pretty average for American’s as we age. We gain 10lbs in a year. That’s 20 lbs in two years and by the time you’re hitting 40 or 50, you’re easily 30 or 40 lbs overweight and maybe more.

Like many women, I’ve gone up and down over the years. I’m making a commitment to myself to stick to my plan this week. I’m going to go one week at a time. Want to join me? Want to commit to your well being, healthy weight and healthy lifestyle? Come on join me. Let’s dance and let’s get healthier. You do know it’s easier to date and find a great relationship if you’re feeling great about yourself. Yeah, I knew you knew that!

Ok, so here’s my plan. I’m sort of vegan/vegetarian. I eat fish frequently. I also will indulge in a grass fed locally grown burger once in a great while. So I’m just being transparent here. I love good chardonnay but don’t tend to drink anything else.

So this week I’m skipping the chardonnay and going with green drinks. It’s going to be a cleasing diet week for me along with gentle exercise every day. My buddy Marie is going to join me tomorrow for the walk around back bay. A beautiful 3 mile walking trail around a small bay in the city of Portland, ME. It’s so lovely and just a few minutes drive from my house.

Sunset on Back Bay Hiking Trail, Portland, Maine

That’s my plan. I’ll let you know how it goes. Tell me your plan. Leave a comment here and find me on Facebook. I’ll continue to post about this on Facebook this week.  I’m hoping you’ll join me. Set your goal and share it with me. Let’s encourage each other to create our best lives starting today.

And finally, get your butt off the couch and dance. Dance in your living room, in the kitchen and in the shower. Hand dance in the car and let yourself feel the music move your emotions. You’ll be surprised at how much more you feel like doing. Decide today to start living your best lesbian life because yes you can!

hugs to all of you, Mary

About Mary Gorham Malia:

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.

Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC | PO Box 10924, Portland, ME 04104 |

| Office: 207-450-1611|

© 2011 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
Unauthorized duplication or publication of any materials from this site is expressly prohibited.

What? It’s the end of the Dating Trap Story? Yes, it’s true. This is the final dating trap in this series of articles. It’s been so much fun writing them and getting your feedback and comments.  Now let’s talk about the Lone Ranger!

The Lone Ranger is the woman who has no close friends and no social life because she is so focused on finding Ms. Right that she doesn’t cultivate relationships with anyone else.  She’s not interacting in your local community at all or only in very limited venues where she can search for Ms. Right.

She’s the woman that everyone knows. Well sort of knows but not really. She’s kind of mysterious which makes her interesting to some gay girls, but mostly she’s a total unknown by everyone.

She is someone who tells other that she feels isolated and believes there just aren’t enough potential partners around.  She never asks for anyone’s help and doesn’t value other relationships she has in her life.  She shows up when she needs something (like a new girlfriend) and then she’s gone again.

This gay girl is so focused on finding a mate that she isolates herself and never takes the time to get to know new people unless she thinks that person is a potential new partner.

She’s serious about saving everything for Ms. Right.  Her time, her energy and her presence are stored up waiting for Ms. Right and Ms. Right alone.

She lives life thinking she can do it all by herself and she doesn’t need anyone. She might even feel ashamed of being single after a break-up and so she focuses on finding a partner as fast as possible.

As an isolated single, you and the Lone Ranger become an isolated couple, excluding others and focusing on each other to meet every one of your needs. That’s a job too big for any one gay girl.

Others would say they know when the Lone Ranger is single cause they see her out and about. They also know when the Lone Ranger has found her new love, because she disappears again. She rarely stays in touch with people who want to be friends because she doesn’t need any friends. OUCH!

Finally, the Lone Ranger feels like no one is there to help her out when she has a need. Guess why? She’s never let anyone in.  We all need other people in our world to be happy, fulfilled and successful.

What’s wrong with this? It doesn’t sound terribly bad and on the outside it’s not. This gay girl could be an introvert. About 20% of the population is strongly introverted. An introvert needs time alone. It’s how she charges her batteries. Perhaps she has some social anxiety as well.  Being in social groups of any kind makes her anxious. Maybe that’s part of what drives this Lone Ranger.

If you are a social tiger, then you’re going to run into some problems making it work with the Lone Ranger. She wants to stay home all the time and you want to go out.  She doesn’t want to meet your friends or hang out with them. She wants to go home, go for a walk in the woods or just hang out with the dogs.

Again there’s nothing wrong with this either. But the Lone Ranger shows up at social functions to hunt. She met you at an event, a bar, a party or something social. You thought she was a social animal like you and she’s not and she never will be.

Remember that dating traps are all about someone showing up one way but not really being that person. The Lone Ranger shows up as a socially outgoing person but she’s not.

Now to be really honest, I love social events and hanging out with groups of friends. If someone I’m dating doesn’t want to hang out with my friends that’s a problem.  I’m ok with time alone at home, but I need my social outlets too much.  I love getting out, seeing what’s happening with people, enjoying events and the energy that comes from connecting socially.

I also count on my friends to give me some feedback on their experience of the woman I’m dating. A woman I dated a while back told me she had social anxiety. That’s what she called it.  I invited her to a party at my house with about 20 women in attendance. I was having a rocking good time and I found out later from friends that my date was so out of it they thought she was having a break down. She spent the night leaving the party over and over again and actually hiding her intoxicated state from me.

That was awkward. Turns out she uses prescription drugs and decided a triple dose of Xanax would help out her anxiety. Yeah it’s not a good thing.  Ultimately she is a Lone Ranger. She hardly ever goes out and prefers her time alone.  I never got to meet any of her friends, which was also strange to me.  She talked about them a lot but never seemed to actually do anything with them when she was with me. Can you say Lone Ranger?

Who a woman’s friends are will tell you a lot about her.  We are most like the people we spend the most time with. So a gay girl’s friends really are a good reference point and reality check on the gay girl you are dating.

If she’s a Lone Ranger and there are no friends showing up in her life that’s a problem in my book. And you should take that as a big old red flag. Do you want to spend years of your life locked away with the Lone Ranger? Then maybe the relationship ends and you have no life, no friends and have to start from scratch. I’ve seen this too many times.  As a dating coach, I’m asking you, “Please don’t go there?”  Don’t get sucked into the Lone Ranger’s cave! Stay engaged with life and the activities and friendships you have no matter who you are in love with. It’s never healthy to abandon yourself to one person.

Why Knowing About Dating Traps Is Important

Let’s just agree that you already knew about some of these 14 Dating Traps I’ve been writing about and others are new ideas to you.  Now how does this make a difference?  It is up to you to own your tendency to be a trapper. You might be someone who uses some of these traps.  Perhaps it didn’t even occur to you until you started to read, but now you know.

You might have been the beaver in the trap a few times.  Perhaps you want to avoid that situation in the future and save yourself some suffering and heartbreak.

The obvious reason to know about these behaviors is because you can be less prone to falling into these traps.  And we all know that breaking up is hard to do. We are all tired of trying and failing when it comes to dating and relationships.

Wouldn’t it be great to know HOW to be the chooser and not the loser in relationships?  Wouldn’t you like to own a toolbox full of everything you need to make great choices for yourself when you are dating?  Wouldn’t it be great to know how to move from meeting to dating to mating?

Wouldn’t you like to finally understand the reasons why certain relationships fail and others work? These answers and more are waiting for you at Gay Girl Dating Coach.  End the vicious cycle of going in and out of relationships and stop the heartbreak that comes when another relationship ends.

Be the chooser and turn life in the direction of your dreams. Love to you all!

Mary

PS: Visit me on Facebook and let me know what you think of the 14 Dating Traps? I’m curious… xo, Mary

About Mary Gorham Malia:

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a  ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!

She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.

Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.

Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC PO Box 10924, Portland, ME 04104 | Office: 207-450-1611| © 2011 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
Unauthorized duplication or publication of any materials from this site is expressly prohibited.

Hey Gay Girls,
I’ve been working like crazy to get the details put together for a new workshop I’m launching this month. I’m very excited about the impact its going to have and the lives it can change.

So I want you to learn more about it, even if you can’t attend. This is one of many dating tools I’ve been working on for you.

Click this link:

Dating, Love and Attraction Workshop.

Just click the link here or the tab up above.

Ok, really I’ve got to get other things done and there’s so much more to do so that this workshop rocks! Love you all!  Mary

“What’s wrong is always available.” Think guilt.  Tony Robbins is the person I’m quoting and the full quote is: “What’s wrong is always available and so is what’s right.” That has been a very powerful meditation for me over the last couple of years and it’s helped me ask better questions and get better results. Want to talk about that for a few minutes?

Fly Sally Fly

Ok, let’s talk…

Someone posted a comment last week and asked if I was real. It’s perhaps a playful comment but it made me stop and think. Am I for real? Am I real? Authentic? As honest as I know how to be? Are you? Are you focused on what’s wrong about life? Do you focus on what’s wrong about you? Do you give yourself a real break once and a while from that naggy voice in your head? Do you stop and give yourself a solid loving pat on the back every once in a while?  Is that even allowed? Are you asking better questions that lead you to different results in your life?

It may not be a surprise to some of you to learn that I grew up in an Irish Catholic household. Another word for that is guilt-trip. Though my mother’s background is French Canadian with Welsh mixed in, my father’s parents were Irish Immigrants who both arrived here in the early 1900′s on different boats in Boston.  My four brothers and I grew up in close proximity to my Irish grandparents and my father ruled our family with an iron fist. Did I say fist? Well it was a verbal fist more than a physical fist. He used it with the same liberty the Pope takes in chastising homosexuals and women who use birth control.

Who does your naggy voice sound like?

My father felt is was his privilege and duty to ensure we all felt like crap on a regular basis. My internal naggy voice sounds a lot like him. Who does your naggy voice sound like?

Anyone who grew up Catholic in the 60′s was taught that everyone but the Catholics was going to hell. Perhaps that was the start of my guilt complex because everyday on the way to Catholic elementary school at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception (yeah that’s a mouthful of something strange), I walked past a Synagoge, a Methodist church and a Presbyterian church. I remember feeling so badly that all those poor lost souls were going to hell.

Now between my father, the Sisters of Mercy (they looked a lot like the Flying Nun TV show character that Sally Fields played) and the priests, there was more than enough guilt, bad feelings and trying to think up sins for confession as a first grader than any child should be subject to on a daily basis. I even spent some time thinking I wanted to be a nun while also having a crush on Sally Field. She still is pretty damn cute.

What about you? Got guilt? Yeah, it forms a darkish sort of ring around the mouth (not unlike the Got Milk? shots we know so well) and gums up your ability to enjoy life and stay solidly rooted in gratitude. It’s my thought that any type of “religious” upbringing that focuses on sin and hell is pretty much going to gum up the free flow of happiness and enjoying what’s right about life.

My own Catholic upbringing along with the strictness of my father’s rules meant I lived life full of guilt. I tried so very hard to be a “good girl.” It never got me anything extra at home but it was my attempt to earn my way into heaven and earn love. How about you? Have you gotten trapped in the “earn love” game. You just can’t win at that one. Guilt (aka Ego) seems to always get its hand on love and wring the life out of it.

Of course, I felt very guilty about my attraction to girls. It started early in life but my deep desire to be loved by my father was a reason I denied it for so many years. It took me a long time to realize I would never be able to make my father happy and I needed to learn how to make myself happy. None of us can really control another person. Some of us try pretty damn hard to controls others but it’s only going to result in unhappiness and lots of resentment.

Where am I going with this, well first it’s a little bit of my real life story. Second, when one is raised to believe you are guilty to start with and should be doing everything in one’s power to be a good girl so that you don’t go to hell, it’s hard to see what’s right about life. Especially the way you want to love someone is so vehemently opposed by the key powers in your life. For me that was my father and the church. It’s hard to trust and it’s equally hard to believe hell isn’t around the next corner. Third, the joy that comes to you from the long process of breaking free from someone else’s rules for your life is worth the effort.

What’s right is always available

Finally, breaking free from a church, your father’s or mother’s rules for your life or your own internalized guilt about being queer/gay/lesbian/bi/tran/whatever you prefer are all big steps to knowing that what’s right is always available. You just have to step into it, own it and don’t let anyone or anything tell you that you can’t have it.

It’s time to stop and give yourself a big pat on the back. Living authentically is right. It’s always available to us. It’s a wellspring of joy to know that you’re not hiding yourself in anyway. Being your best self is a journey you chose to enroll in. Some days we do better than others but that’s why every new day is so special. It’s another chance to find what’s right about you, your life and the choices that are in front of you.

Shake off guilt and that naggy voice that’s always attempting to make you feel bad about yourself. Do it everyday if you must. And do it 3 or 6 or 20 times a day if you must. Make space for what’s right, expect it and it will show up!

Now go hug a gay girl today!

Mary

PS: Have you joined me on Facebook yet? Stop by today and “like” my page and tell me how you’re getting that naggy voice to shut up and sit down!

Click here to go to Gay Girl Dating Coach on Facebook.

About Mary Gorham Malia:

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.

Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC | PO Box 10924, Portland, ME 04104 |

|Office: 207-450-1611|

© 2011 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
Unauthorized duplication or publication of any materials from this site is expressly prohibited.

Hey and hello Gay Girls! Ask better questions? It’s the result of what’s been a difficult week here in my world. I had a very big project to finish up and deliver for my consulting business. So there was a lot of work and focus to get it done.

Time for some extra rest…

Along with that mountain of work and pressure,  my girlfriend and I are parting ways and I find it hard to focus and be in the moment of giving dating or life advice. I feel the need to get some extra rest and let some emotions run through me.

Move Your Body, Change a Thought

Let me share how I’m going to move through the next few weeks and help myself adjust to these changes.  I’m going to keep breathing. I’m going to get plenty of sleep. I’m going to keep going to the gym and doing my daily walks. It’s warming up enough that I’ll also be out riding and putting some miles on my bike and my body. I’m going to stay away from the Chardonnay. I’m going to hang out with people I love, friends and family. I’m going to send my now former girlfriend lots of positive healing energy. We will both need it and the universe has plenty to spare.

I don’t have “it’s the end of the world” thinking or feelings. It’s not. It’s important to not get stuck in a dark emotional rut. That’s why I’ll be at the gym, hanging out with people that make me laugh and staying on track with my business. There are clients and projects that I want to see succeed and I’ll show up with presence and joy for all of that.

Most importantly, I’m practicing gratitude. That’s the big opportunity for me. To be thankful for each moment that my girlfriend was in my life, be thankful for what this experience teaches me about myself, be thankful for the experiences I’ve had because of that connection. Be thankful that life is so full of people I love and that I am lacking in nothing.

Finally, it’s important to ask the right kind of questions right now.

Finally, it’s important to ask the right kind of questions right now. The best question I can ask myself is… prepare yourself… “What’s great about this?” And look for answers that are about positive opportunities instead of feeling sorry for myself or getting caught up in a pity party or throwing blame around. Sometimes things just don’t work out.

There are a lot of positive answers to this question for my life right now: like not feeling torn about the time I am putting into building Gay Girl Dating Coach, finishing up a number of unfinished projects that I’ve let hang for a while (unfinished stuff is like a hole in your energy bank that lets energy drip out…) and sticking to my daily “getting grounded” routine.

I am reading a Course in Miracles for the first time. It’s speaking to me in some profound ways, but when my girlfriend is around I abandon these important routines. That’s not her fault, that’s my lack of discipline.

That’s my short list of answers to the question – What’s great about this? What jumped up and surprised you in the last week or two? What if you asked a different question. Instead of asking “Why did this have to happen to me?” ask yourself “What’s great about this?’ and push yourself to find the opportunities that are waiting for you.

Every problem comes with an answer already waiting.

Every problem we have in life comes with a solution. Sometimes we are so caught up in the struggle of the problem that we miss the answers. That means it’s time to ask a better question.

Do you have a question you consistently ask yourself? Do you need to ask a better question? If you answered “YES!”  Leave a comment here and let’s start a discussion about the questions we ask ourselves. I’ve shared my question. What’s yours?

Life is FOR you! This is it, so make good things happen.

Dating Trap #13 is the Virtual Reality Trap and it’s important. 

You’ve heard of Rose Colored Glasses? Well this could be called the Rose Colored Glasses Trap. You see only what you want to see, it’s all beautiful and wonderful but  you don’t see it correctly.

You think what you see is really real.

This is a big trap in long distance dating. You see someone for little bits of time. You don’t really see them regularly in their world. You don’t spend time with a woman’s friends or family. Every time you do visit, something special has been planned so what little time you have is spent with each other exclusively.

You begin to think this is real life with this person, but it’s a virtual reality trap. You have both suspended your real day-to-day lives to be together for an intense but brief period of time. It’s like going to a great movie. Wow!  So many big emotions but its over way too soon and then you have to go home to your real life. Get the picture?

Let me tell you about my friend Becky.

Let’s consider a story of a friend of mine who I’ll call Becky.  She met someone online. The woman lives quite far away and seeing her required flying most of a day to get there and taking time off from work.  Becky could afford the expense of flying and she had flexibility with her work schedule. She didn’t mind a long distance relationship but her requirement was that the other woman be able to travel to where Becky lives also.  After every visit, Becky would check in with me to discuss what she had learned about this woman.

The story starts with the typical scenario. It was amazing in the beginning. This woman, let’s call her Dinah, pampered Becky and went out of her way to make Becky feel special. According to Becky’s story, Dinah worked from home but she told Becky that she traveled some for her work.  She had a very successful business and  as Becky was a very successful sales person, she liked dating someone who could understand and relate to her professional life.

Becky felt they got along extremely well and they had similar values and goals in life.  So Becky and Dinah began making plans for Dinah to come and visit her. For many months, it seemed that every time they would agree upon a date and time for Dinah to visit something would come up in Dinah’s world and she’d have to cancel the visit.

Finally after about six months, Becky confronted her and learned that the woman was agoraphobic and never left her house at all if possible.  She had everything she needed delivered by a local courier, UPS and FedEx. The local grocer delivered her groceries. Even her doctor came to her house if needed. She could run her business completely from her house, except for rare occasions and then she traveled with a very close friend who took care of everything Dinah couldn’t handle. Becky was the first woman she had dated in years because she would never leave the house.

When next I talked to Becky, she was able to say it all made sense. She’d ignored what was in front of her because so much of what she saw was what she wanted.

They had never left the house during Becky’s visits. This could be a clue that they were too busy having sex for Becky to notice many things.  Sound familiar. Sex is like a drug! That’s one reason we love it!  Just like alcohol and pot, great sex can make us blind to many things going on around us.

Dinah would meet her at the Arrivals area of the airport in the drive-thru area so Dinah didn’t have to get out of her car and enter a busy airport.  The grocery shopping was always done when Becky arrived.  Anything and everything that Becky wanted was already waiting when she arrived because Dinah focused on getting all the details of what Becky liked before Becky arrived.  Dinah would also make sure that the weekend was completely planned around quiet romantic weekends together, so Becky didn’t think anything was odd for quite a while. Dinah seemed to be not just the perfect host but also the most thoughtful person Becky had ever met.  It never occurred to Becky that Dinah was hiding something so significant.

Becky really cared for Dinah, but broke it off because the only way to make it work would be to move to where this woman lived half way across the country. Becky has a commitment to take care of her father and she won’t move. So it’s a requirement that her partner be able to visit Becky where she lives.

The Virtual Reality Trap is the opposite of the Marketing Trap. Here, you act as if what you want to see is real and in reality its just you selling yourself on something that’s too good to be true.

This is one reason it’s important that you introduce that woman you are getting serious about to your friends and family. By this I mean friends and family that are a big part of your life, you love them, they love you and you support and care for each other. Ok? Your friends aren’t in the throws of hot crazy sex with this woman. They aren’t wearing Rose Colored Glasses and they love you and care about you. They can tell you if there is something off that you should investigate further and that you are entirely missing.

They could be wrong but they might be extremely right. They’ve got your back, so stop, take a breath and listen. Then take off those rosy glasses and go search out the truth for yourself.

Girls, there are games our ego plays. Some for fun, some to massage our ego and some because we just don’t know any thing different. There are games we learned in elementary school and we are still playing them. And because girls play with many “unspoken” rules and lots of code talk the games can be really hard to figure out. It’s a bloody game for sure and we are all pretending to be just fine, thank you!

thefancy.com

I’ve got one major goal that I want to accomplish

through Gay Girl Dating Coach

I’ve got one major goal that I want to accomplish through Gay Girl Dating Coach and it’s not that you find a great date but that you find yourself. That you fall in love with yourself. That you discover how amazing you are and that you can love every part of yourself. That you will discover how to accept yourself fully and rest from the constant struggle of feeling like you are not enough. And what I truly believe, is that as you allow the love that is in you to blossom by loving yourself – you will find that amazing and wonderful woman.

I know that’s probably not what you expected to hear from me. Or maybe one or two or more of you did know this already. But listen up gay girls, I want you to live your best lesbian life! I want you to experience love! I want you to have a lot more fun. This is all attached to how you view yourself. Let’s go just a little bit deeper. Can you say ego?

Ego is not your personality.

Ego. You’ve got one, I’ve got one. It’s constantly showing up in everything you do. Sometimes it is helpful, other times it creates a mess and we wonder what the hell just happened. We also run into each other’s ego’s. Family, friends, kids and girlfriends or partners. Everyone has an ego that influences how we “are” in the world.

Ego is not your personality. Ego is actually something we create to deal with the world and its social structures. I’ve written lately about  the “mean girls” and how as woman we define ourselves as lesbian, gay, queer, dyke, femme or with some other label. These labels are all about ego. It’s like having a job title where one title is better than another. Who wants to be the mail room dyke when you can be the Rock Star Celesbian? Right, not many of us.

We let our ego’s define our selves. Wrong!

Ego is a way we have come to define our selves or self identity. Our ego’s get threatened when we believe our identity is threatened. Does that ever happen to you? When someone tells me I was not a lesbian, how does that impact me? Well if I am looking for “her” to validate my lesbian self I’m in deep trouble, but since I’m not it just strikes me as very odd for someone to say about another person. Wherever we are looking to someone else to tell us we are enough – we are in deep sh*t. Deep.

No one will ever be able to make you feel secure or to feel like you are enough. Your ego is always looking outside of you for validation, attention, acceptance and significance. We all want all of these things but others will fail to give us enough of these things. Eventually most relationships fall apart because our egos got the best of us. Of course, there is the problem of picking a lover that is simply a bad match for other reasons but we picked her because our ego got in the way of our seeing and accepting that truth.

Our ego is also very busy labeling others. We want to put every one in a box. Come on, let’s be honest here. It makes life simpler to have a few categories that are familiar and just dump every gay girl into what you think is the box for her. That let’s you keep your mind uncluttered. It let’s you have a false sense of certainty, security and safety.

This box business or label bias is one reason why bi-girls are a problem in the lesbian community. There is too much uncertainty and that makes the seeker of certainty say – nope, not doing that. (This is not to dismiss the experience of some lesbians that bi-girls they dated ended up going for a guy.) Most people of any gender or sexual orientation are seekers of certainty first. And certainly most women crave certainty. It’s built into our DNA. That damn DNA creates more than a few problems.

The foremost quality of ego is self preservation.  You define yourself as somebody now, and you want to preserve this definition of yourself into the future until you get a better definition. If you came out later in life, you’re very intent on cementing your new definition of yourself as lesbian. You are afraid that if you can’t have this definition of yourself, you will fail. You feel the loss or maybe enjoy the letting go of your self definition in the heterosexual world and when a life long lesbian says, “You’re not a lesbian.” – you are both contending with ego and the definitions you’ve decided on and the labels and boxes we put each other into.

We are afraid to define ourselves. Many of us have been yelled at with the words, “Who do you think you are?”  I’ve had that one thrown at me by my parents and lovers – it helped create a lot of doubt in me over the years.

Actually many of you are afraid to define yourself period. You let your friends write your online dating profile. When someone says tell me about your self, you tell them what you do! Not who you are because you’re not sure who you are. You are afraid of defining yourself. This fear is one of the hallmarks of the ego. So I’m giving you permission to define yourself. Come up with your own label for you. Decide to let your best self out of everyone else’s box.

I’m writing about all this to get to a point. An insight I want to share that I had last night. I went to the local t-dance (an hour’s drive from my home) to connect with the DJ, DJ Jodi. She has been running this event consistently for 10 years and I’ve attended a lot over that time. Jodi is deeply committed to building community and making space happen for lesbians.  She is a real gift to gay girls.

It’s probably been almost a year since the last time I went to a t-dance but Jodi and I are working on a project together and I wanted to just connect face to face. So with that being done, I grabbed a glass of wine and sat down to watch the crowd build. This event usually draws well over a 100 women and sometimes up to 200 women will attend. So it’s definitely a “scene.”

It was a slow start to the evening. As I sat, I felt around inside myself and realized that for the first time I was in a very different place while at the dance. I was at peace. I looked around and I could pick out the women that were already stressing about whether they would meet someone. I could feel their pain and their loneliness in the gathering crowd of lesbians. I wasn’t there to meet anyone. I just wanted to feel the energy in the room. I sat and thought about that energy. It was a mixed bag with some happy women and some nervous and tense women. Ultimately we all have access to the best energy available  - love. Energy in it’s purest form is pure love.

I watched women watching women. I could feel the judgements being made, the labels being drawn out of a back pocket and slapped on someone and the sense of constriction that happens when our hearts are closed. I understand it and I wish it wasn’t so.

Our egos are not keeping us safe. Our egos allow us to be controlled by others and what they think. From our friends opinions to the demands of a girlfriend. Our ego creates the false need to have their acceptance, their recognition and their love. What if you weren’t ruled by that ego anymore?

As I sat and continued to watch, I saw in my minds eye the room being full of the energy of love. I couldn’t help but smile. I imagined what it would be like if we could all let our guard down, let go of our egos and see each other as the amazing creatures we all are. Each one of us being amazingly unique but all of us being forever connected by our DNA and all the ways we are the same. And by the energy of love that is inside each of us.

Is this getting too spiritual for you? I hope not. Where does this kind of love start? It starts when you learn to love yourself, accept your best and worst self and let go of having to be right. Perfection and always being right is a fantasy we need to bury in the deepest ocean.

But being right feels so good!

That is one more game our ego plays with us – the desire to be perfect and right because then we are loved and significant but for all the wrong reasons.  This pure and powerful kind of love starts with one person, one lesbian deciding to be her true self and not backing down from it.

One person can make a difference. One lesbian committed to helping the community shift from uncaring to caring can make a difference. Jodi has been doing just this for years. Loving the community and showing up with consistency. I did it last night. You can do it too.

So let me close out by sharing wisdom from a speech Steve Jobs gave a while back. You’ve probably already seen this but read it again from the perspective of our gay girl world. For the last few years I’ve had a special connection to Steve Jobs – only in my meditations and that’s another story – but this piece of his story is powerful and important. So go on… read it.

Wisdom from Steve Jobs:

… When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma (ego!)— which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

[From Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address]

If you are always looking outside of yourself for the rules of how to live your best lesbian life, you won’t be able to live it. Your ego wants you to look to others to tell you what the rules are and who you are. Don’t let it happen. Your best life story needs to be written by your own intuition, your own inner voice and by you living your most authentic life. Our ego and the ego of others around us wants us to engage in the ego game. Step away, find the amazing experience of loving yourself (for no reason but just because you are here on this earth), find your self and find your peace.

with much love to you all, Mary

PS: Join me over on Facebook and tell me what you think? This is a bit different right?

About Mary Gorham Malia:

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.

Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC | PO Box 10924, Portland, ME 04104 | Office: 207-450-1611|

© 2011 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
Unauthorized duplication or publication of any materials from this site is expressly prohibited.