You’ve been on the hunt for love and you’ve finally found her. She’s marvelous and wonderful and amazing and you’re thrilled.
And you’re also wondering how you can take this new relationship down a different road than you’re previous relationships.
That takes a decision to be conscious in a new way about how you approach and react to your new girlfriend. It takes a decision to look at the patterns you’ve had in the past in your relationships and decide to create some new patterns.
Here’s one pattern to look for – compromise. How do you navigate compromise and dating? Compromise is one of the things we do because we have female DNA. That DNA drives us to collaborate, compromise and connect in lots of varied ways.
Connecting is great and exactly what you wanted when you started dating Ms. Right for You. Collaboration is important in so many areas of life, when we collaborate it’s a win-win situation for everyone and again that’s what you’re looking for in a girlfriend or partner, the ability for the two of you to work together to make life better.
Now What’s That About Compromise and Dating?
Compromise is best used for committed relationships and not when you’re dating and not yet committed. Compromise in dating isn’t about where you go for dinner, it’s when you give up on something that is really important to you in order to be with this lovely lesbian you’re enthralled about.
And let’s define committed. That means you’ve decided she’s the one for you and she’s decided the same thing about you. You’re more than a couple. You’re a permanent pair. That’s when compromise is necessary and it’s when you should be open to compromise for the well-being of your partner and your relationship. That’s what commitment is all about. We both give up something for the sake of our commitment to staying together.
Compromise that happens when you’re dating someone usually results in you’re feeling like you’ve settled. If you’re dating someone with an issue that you have to work to ignore, you’re settling and compromising your integrity.
It could be that she spends and you save. She spends all the time and you save all the time. You never spend. She never saves. But she’s got you totally turned on and jazzed. That chemistry is hard to ignore so do you compromise for the sex and prepare for 3 years of fighting over money before you finally end it because there is no more sex appeal after you’ve torn each other up over money continuously?
If you give up your goals in life for a girlfriend, you’ve compromised big time and it’s going to bite your butt before too long.
I had a gay girl call me a couple of months ago. She met a real hottie, got involved and decided to quit her Master’s program and move across the country to be with this hot little lesbian.
What happened? You guessed it. The whole thing blew up in no time at all. Why? Well what was a compromise turned into being a sacrifice and her hot little lesbian girlfriend wasn’t ready to deal with the amount of work required to get a new girlfriend settled in all the way across the country from her home.
The gay girl that called me was heart broken and depressed that she’d given up so much for this women.
Compromise Mistake #1: She’d only known the hottie a couple of months before deciding to move across the country to live where she know no one but her fairly new girlfriend, she didn’t know her way around and she didn’t have a job. Do I need to go on? No, I didn’t think so.
Compromise Mistake #2: She’d given up her goals in life to be in a relationship that hadn’t been tested by tough times. Big dumb mistake. I told her it was a dumb mistake. I’m not sure she got it. She’d been letting her sex drive make her decisions.
I know you know about this stuff. You’ve just never given it a name and thought long and hard about how compromise has cost you.
So what’s my dating coach advice? Keep compromise out of your dating life and save it for your long-term committed relationship. You’ll be glad you did.
Got a great story to share about compromise? I’d love to hear about it so please leave a comment at the end of this post.
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life and divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC | PO Box 10924 | Portland, ME 04104 |
| Office: 512-522-7494 |
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
HI There GGDC.
Over a year ago I sat at one of your informative meetings and decided, that I knew exactly what you were talking about and convinced myself that I was in fact ready to date and needed no HELP! What a laugh…the next person I dated was someone my friends knew and although over the year before we began dating I already had reasons to walk away…of course when the opportunity arose I jumped in.
I made a commitment to get to know her and to understand her at all costs. I followed her lead throughout our three month dating and everytime there was a red flag, I turned it white.
I understood her so well, that when she broke up with me the morning after I cooked her favorite meal and found the German Chocolate cake that her grandmother made her and got her that laptop she never had…and of course she told me how great I was and how she learned so much, and that I saved her…Oh! did I mention the cell phone and car insurance that I got her in my name…
I am laughing out loud, because I thought that I was ready to date. I was ready to be married again, because that is all I know. I know how to commit. I know how to be there. I know how to roll over and not listen to the voice inside saying, “Something isn’t right. She says one thing and does another!”
And now here I sit a year later and I am thinking about dating again, thinking that I am ready, thinking that I learned everything I need to know from the last two women, whose company I kept.
But, now I know that dating is not what I know anything about, except that it should be fun and not rescuing a woman from the ex whom she is still living with…is this story sounding familiar. I had no idea, because I assumed that my friends knew all I needed to know about this woman, when we began dating.
I am very much interested in learning more and look forward to working with you at some point. I hope that my escapade helps someone slow it down and take a look at the red flags and either get out or get help. Ciao for now, Giorgi
Mary, you hit the nail squarely on the head with this topic.
This is so important for younger lesbians to learn, I think most of us older gals know this story all to well. Being in my 40′s I finally get this and I love it.
thank you for all your great coaching, I look forward to your emails.
Great topic – Commitment to self is certainly a topic many women are unclear about because we are socialized to put others first, etc. Hope you’ll come back to Lesbian Love Talk soon to explore commitment – in all it’s permutations – soon!
I like what your commenter, Sally, wrote. She said she “gets it.” And I agree, it’s until you’ve taken yourself out of your little box, turned around to see what kind of silly dater you’ve become– you don’t realize it until you’ve fallen flat on your face.
Your advice is timeless, emotions take the wheel in so many cases early on in a relationship, we are too weak to resist the chemistry a new dating prospect offers us…Well said, Mary!