Why are lesbians so damn serious?
We are so damn serious because we don’t know any better! We are so damn serious because we want a long-term committed relationship now! Not later! We go on two dates and we’re committed. We have sex on the first date and suddenly we’re in a mini-marriage.
What the f$%# are we doing?
Most women tell me they want a long-term committed relationship. That’s great. I applaud how clear you are about that desire. The problem is you’re not really clear on how to get there.
You want it easy and now. That’s great if you happen to walk head-long into the perfect gay girl for you. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen for most of us.
Most of the time to find a really great relationship that deserves the place of life-time commitment in your life, you’re going to have to shop around for a while.
Yes, dating is like shopping. Some women love to shop, others hate it. Which one are you?
The best approach to finding lasting love is to be really clear about what you want along with having clear boundaries around dating.
1. You need to be dating.
It’s probably going to take meeting a few women until you find a great match.
2. Dating is about having fun.
You need to keep dating more about fun and getting to know someone than about serious mini-commitments.
3. Be honest.
You need to be honest with yourself and your dates that you are taking things slowly. You are not in a rush to find Ms. Anyone but Ms. Right.
4. You don’t need to be exclusive!
Now if you jump into having sex, in the world of all women there is an expectation of exclusiveness. You’d better be sure that’s what you want or get clear with her before you rock her world, that having sex doesn’t mean you’re ready to be exclusive.
But don’t be surprised when things get bumpy and she wants more than you’re prepared to give. Sex is serious stuff for most women.
Now in my world as a dating coach, I caution against rushing into sex. Yes, I know it’s a really strong desire. Sex is like cocaine. It does the same thing in your brain but it also creates a chemical connection through the hormones you release during orgasm.
When two women are releasing that attachment hormone, things get serious way too fast.
5. Set a time limit for casual dating.
Don’t be with someone for than “x” number of months then break it off. Don’t keep seeing someone that you’re not really into. Don’t move in. Don’t keep your stuff at her place. Don’t share your cell phone plan! Don’t get connected in ways that make you a couple before you’re ready to commit.
What I see often is that dating relationships end at about three months and six months. That’s the window of time it takes to get a real sense of someone. The next big break-up points are one and two years, but that’s another conversation.
If you are having problems early into dating, it’s not going to get better later on!
6. Break it off when problems start.
One of the points of staying casual when dating is that you are testing out compatibility. Does she meet your requirements? Does she share your values? Do your dreams and goals for your lives align and work together.
Let me say this again. The point of a casual dating relationship is to have fun. When problems show up the fun ends. So guess what? The dating relationship needs to end also.
This can sound sort of like tough love and it is. You’re being tough on yourself about holding to your boundaries and having your own clear set of dating rules.
Lesbians get too serious too soon and it takes a lot of the fun out of being in relationships. You decide too soon to stick it out with a gay girl who really isn’t a great match for you. Now you may be discouraged about being in a relationship because you’ve had a few bad ones.
That’s the whole point of changing how you approach dating and finding love. Get a new set of rules, develop some clear guidelines for yourself and stick to them.
Why? So you can focus on having fun and getting to know that gay girl better. You deserve to be with that amazing lesbian who is a great match for you. And so don’t the women you are dating.
Here’s my final argument for going slow, dating casually and focusing on fun. Of course you want the benefits of a committed relationship – regular sex, companionship, security, etc. But relationship failure is so common because gay girls focus on getting what they want in the short-term and fail to focus on the long-term consequences.
Doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results is CRAZY!
I’m messing with our lesbian cultural norms I know, but that’s because they need some messing up. The rules you’ve had for dating and finding relationship aren’t working! And doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results is CRAZY!
So here’s a new approach. Tell me what you think! Leave me a comment below. I really want to know.
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life and divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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