Lesbian cheating happens. Lesbians are cheating. I know you know and some of you know intimately.
It’s a relationship problem. It’s a dating problem and there are lots of reasons why it happens.
I recently asked the tribe of gay women that follow me on Facebook to tell me how they define cheating.
The results were really interesting and I thought I’d share them with you.
Here’s the question I asked:
“I’m curious gay girls. What do you define as cheating? There’s the obvious “she slept with someone else” but it strikes me today that cheating is a slippery slope. Is it cheating when she still texts her ex all the time and says “I love you”… What else would you call cheating?”
I loved the thoughtful and thought provoking answers I received from so many women. So here we go…
1. Ali starts things off by sharing that cheating is anything you do with another woman that you feel the need to hide or lie about to your mate. If you need to keep it a secret there is something wrong.
2. Mary adds that anything that creates the feeling of guilt could be cheating. Ask yourself if you’d be OK if somebody did this to you. If your answer is NO, then don’t do it.
3. If your girlfriend is not honest and truthful, that’s cheating according to Cathy.
4. Deb says there’s emotional cheating and physical cheating. A woman who keeps her exs on speed dial is sending you a big red flag.
5. Cheating is when ex’s are calling all the time and your girlfriend has to constantly save them from some misery/addiction/illness or they’ll die. Another big red flag that indicates emotional entanglement.
6. Jeannie has seen online friendships turn into emotional cheating, even when there is no chance the two will ever meet. And sometimes just the fact that they will never meet creates a space where they share emotional intimacy that should be shared with their partner not a friend online- contributed by Rebecca.
7. Jennifer said there is physical cheating, that is obvious and is more then they slept together (including kissing), emotional cheating is what seems to be subjective in today’s world and should not be. If you are connecting closer emotionally with someone else, if you are sharing thoughts or parts of you that you don’t with your partner… then you are cheating. If you would not be OK with your girlfriend doing the exact same thing, then don’t do it.
8. Celia shared that cheating begins long before the physical act of sex.
9. Keri said if you are in a monogamous relationship but your heart is with someone else and you continue down that path without being honest, then it’s cheating. Have courage to tell the person you are with that you have feelings for someone else. In the long run, you will both be happier with whatever happens.
10. I believe it is important that we learn what one another considers cheating to be, so that we can make an informed choice and ultimately decision…in that way we would know and get out sooner than later – from Giorgi.
11. Poor boundaries with ex’s is a type of emotional cheating. You can’t truly commit to someone while you are still entangled with someone else. Of course I’m speaking of monogamous relationships but since I’m not poly, that’s what’s applicable to me.
12. I am so glad to see that I’m not the only lesbian on earth who feels like it’s red flaggy to stay super-entangled with the exes – from Dreia.
13. You may always have some feelings for a ex but it is not the same as loving them so if a woman i was with was texting i love u to someone that not a relative i would get a tad hostile – from Sheryl.
14. I am dear friends with my ex. I tell her I love her and my current partner knows and isn’t worried because there is nothing to worry about. I would never go back to my ex., I say that it really depends on the situation and the individuals involved. Most times it would be considered cheating in this situation, as holding love feelings for another would normally prevent a total commitment to someone else. However, there are occasions that this is not the case, and that should be determined by a case by case judgement.
15.Not disagreeing with any thing said so far, I will add, the person or (persons) involved must talk out their own rules of conduct… real life is not always easy to cut and dry… I am trans gendered, (with a rare type called bigender) my brain can not stay fixed on if my body should be male or female… my self awareness switches back and forth… my primary partner is male, I in my current state of mind.. I am not sexually or romantically attracted to him .. we have worked out our issues and needs, and hide nothing, thus there is no cheating…
16. Eliza shared that talking to exes and telling them you love them isn’t cheating but when it moves to sharing photos that include nudity that’s cheating and she’s had it happen three times already.
17. Phoebe says that sleeping around when in a committed relationship is cheating unless its the spoken agreement both have. Assuming and not discussing the guidelines for a relationship is the deadly path many are on. She’s learned never to assume anyones knows her expectations by reading her mind, but they must be discussed through ongoing dialogue. All too often the straight world’s definition of a relationship is imposed on us. That includes what infidelity is and how one should behave when it happens and what should end a relationship. She believes emotional cheating and spiritual cheating are far worse than physical cheating.
18. Rachel points out that if your girlfriend’s face lights up every time she gets a call or text from a particular person and always leaves the room to talk or text back that is cheating in her book.
19. Mel includes playing footsie and touchy feel-y games with another woman as clearly cheating.
18. Charlie says that for her, if her partner is super attracted to someone else that is cheating.
19. Barbara shared that cheating is cheating and she did it, but she told “him” before she did it.
20. Mary Lee says that when someone keeps saying there is nothing to worry about and has been promising to do something with you for weeks, like go to a certain movie, and does it with another woman that is cheating.
21. Myss is clear that for her cheating is about getting emotionally involved with another woman and not about sex.
22. Janet’s line for cheating is sleeping with someone else.
23. Jay shared this thought, I am not disagreeing with any thing said so far, I will add, the person or (persons) involved must talk out their own rules of conduct… real life is not always easy to cut and dry… I am trans gendered, (with a rare type called bigender) my brain can not stay fixed on if my body should be male or female… my self awareness switches back and forth… my primary partner is male, in my current state of mind I am not sexually or romantically attracted to him . We have worked out our issues and needs, and hide nothing, thus there is no cheating.
24. Phoebe told us that ‘sleeping’ with someone when in a committed relationship is cheating, if that is the spoken agreement between the 2 individuals. Assuming and not discussing the guidelines for our relationships is the deadly path many find themselves on. I have learned to never assume that anyone knows my expectations psychically…they can only known, understood and agreed to thru ongoing dialogue.
Are Lesbians Cheating and What Do You Think??
This was a topic that many women weighed in on and the conversation went in all directions but ultimately cheating is based on the expectations between two women in relationship. What constitutes cheating for one doesn’t mean cheating for another.
That is part of the beauty of this world. You do get to make your own rules but you have to decide on relationships rules as a couple.
Has this sparked some feelings for you? Would you like to join this conversation? Well leave a comment below and I’ll definitely read it, think about it and comment as needed.
This conversation is important so be a part of it right here and right now! Comment below…
With Love!
Mary Malia is the Gay Girl Dating Coach. Her mission is to help lesbians break through the barriers to finding love and lasting relationship.
She’s been named #1 on the Top 10 Lesbian Dating Bloggers list. Mary focuses on helping you to love your gorgeous, handsome, sexy and juicy lesbian self while breaking through what holds you back from finding love, being mindful about your whole life and creating more happiness for yourself!
Mary is the founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach and the Live Your Best Lesbian LifeSummit. She’s been seen on Huffington Post, Your Tango, Datingadvice.com andthe Love On Purpose Revolution.
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