Does the idea of stranger danger keep you from dating? If your answer is no, then congratulations but keep reading. If your answer is yes, then you are in the right place.
Survey Says…
In the survey that I ran last month, you told me that learning different ways to think about relationship and dating were the most valuable thing that gaygirldatingcoach.com provides you. The next most important thing you get from connecting with me here, was that you gain courage to take the steps to start dating.
Stranger Danger Means Never Talk to Strangers
So let’s talk. Why are you afraid to date? Are you afraid of strangers? Our society has developed a few rules about strangers. From teaching our children to NEVER talk to strangers to national news stories about bad things that happen because of “strangers”, we can spend every day being weirded out by what we hear and see on television.
Now fade out of the news story and into the local bar scene or your upcoming Pride Parade. Oh my God, there are strangers everywhere! The bar is full of them. Your local Pride Parade is literally swarming with strangers. Can you say, “Danger Will Robinson!”?
No really this is meant to be sort of funny, but the tongue in cheek kind of humor because there is some unconscious truth going on here. You’ve got unconscious rules in your mind about how you live your life. Those rules define what needs to happen for you to feel safe. They define what has to happen for you to feel good about yourself. They define what happens to make you feel guilty, to feel shame or to feel like a failure. They also define who a stranger is and what you should do or not do.
Now add to that female DNA. You might be queer and love women. You might be butch and love women. You could be high femme and love women. But all of us here do have female DNA and that means there are some genetic rules that impact how we approach the world. One of the big rules for female DNA is safety. Stay safe. Back in the stone age having babies was a lot more dangerous. Taking care of babies and little children required a constant focus on safety. And perhaps safety also meant not being dragged away from your own tribe by some other tribe. We still have that DNA in our bodies.
You are Hard Wired for Safety
If you talk to some women from certain parts of the world, this is still true. You are hard wired to be concerned about safety.
I recently attended a Tony Robbins event, Date with Destiny. It was an amazing experience that I recommend to anyone. There were 4000 people and pretty equally divided between men and women. Tony asked a question of the women at one point – how many of you have made a decision based on your safety in the last week and about 25 women put up their hands. Then he asked about the last month, then the last three months and finally the last six months. At that point pretty much every woman’s hand in the room was up, including mine. That’s 2000 women.
He went through the same questioning process with the men. Barely 200 men put up their hands. (My guess was probably 50% of those men were gay, but Tony didn’t ask that question.)
What does this tell you about women? We are often concerned for our safety. I am always very safety conscious when I travel alone and that happens often. Am I afraid? No but I’ve had a couple of bad experiences in my life with strangers and I pay attention to certain things now that I’m older. I’ve lost that innocence and wide open approach to life. Honestly, I’m not sure I had it for very long as a child anyway. But that’s another story about rules.
What does all this have to do with dating. Well dah! It shows up here too. In order to date, you have to meet with strangers. Talk to strangers. Let a stranger eventually become someone you know well, fall in love with and then go on to create a life long relationship. I’ve talked about this whole stranger thing before.
As we get older, we get less flexible. We get rigid. Our hearts and minds do the same thing. The rules we have created consciously (“no one is ever going to hurt me like that again”) become like unconscious cement. We get stuck. We can’t move forward. We stop taking chances because we don’t want to be hurt. We don’t want to suffer loss again. We wonder why we aren’t happy? Why life has become so stale and boring? The simple answer is because the rules you’ve created to keep you safe have made it that way.
Fast Forward to the End
Take a second here and imagine being at the end of your life. Ask yourself these questions:
- What’s going to be important?
- What chances do you wish you’d taken instead of choosing to be safe?
- What would you regret not ever having done?
- What fears do you have that hold you back right now that you would regret at the end of your days?
- What strangers are you not talking to because today you are afraid?
- What unspoken rules do you have about life and safety that are holding you back?
- Do you want to continue living this way?
What did you learn about yourself? Did you have an Ah Ha moment?
This week I’ve been talking with women who are speakers for the Live Your Best Lesbian Life Tele-summit. Some of them are very public figures and some are not. Some of them are afraid of the interview process, what to say, what YOU will think about what they say. You are their stranger! They are afraid of strangers. Amazing right? Same thing applies to dating. You are that other woman’s stranger. You are both dealing with stranger danger. Wow, right?
When I am coaching clients, we work on those rules. It’s amazing what can happen when a client starts to see her rules for the first time and then sees how those rules about life, safety, love and happiness are often a total set up to make her feel awful. Many of you have written a set of rules that have an endless array of ways you can feel awful, wrong, shamed, guilty and like a failure. You also have a complicated and almost impossible set of rules you’ve written internally that allow you to feel good about yourself and your life. If you are wondering why you so often feel like crap it’s all those crappy rules you’ve got.
To be clear my friends, I’m not telling you to throw yourself into dangerous situations. I’m not saying do foolish things like walk in dangerous neighborhoods alone late at night, OK? Be smart and sensible with your personal safety. Step out and take chances with your heart and with love.
So tell me, what are your rules about strangers? How about stranger danger? Share with me in the comments section below.
Now go out and hug a gay girl today! Some of those strangers are friends you don’t know yet. 
About Mary Gorham Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Mary is also an entrepreneur, business consultant, dating and relationship coach, speaker, writer, strategist, gay girl community builder, mentor, mom and lover of women of all stripes. She has worked for and consulted with Fortune 500 companies, national non-profits and run multi-million dollar projects and companies. She has also run multiple small businesses.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Mary. Super blog. I have disclosed more about myself in the past few months responding to your blogs than I have my whole life combined. How extraordinary! This is what I have to say today. I work in high crime areas 5-6 days a week for many years, walking on the same sidewalks, driving on the same streets, and/or standing at the same doorway that a murder(s) or shooting(s) have occurred several hours, days or weeks prior or several hours, days, or weeks after I was there. The unintended consequence of my job is being in the wrong place at the wrong time. My reality is that at any time I could be a victim. Witnessing or experiencing violence is the reality of my clients. Some of my clients are successfully discharged, some are incarcerated, and some are dead. I have learned that getting a daily dose of devastation may not be good for my mental health and what I have done to cope with my world is to practice authenticity. YUP. That’s all…authenticity. I don’t pretend to be something or someone I am not. I cannot be phony. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Asking and knowing too many details about my client’s lives can get me killed. I have learned to “get to the point” ASAP. My clients and all of their neighbors will ALWAYS know when I am not real. We have an understanding. People “know” me.
What does my job have to do with lesbian dating relationships? Plenty. This is who I am and what I have been trained to do for many years. I am trained to keep my mouth shut and avoid any and all entanglements with people. I suppose you could call me “The Avoider.” I am set in my ways and will have difficulty coping with phony or acting or life is a stage and we are the actors.
My comfort zone on the first date is telling my date to “get to the point.” I will feel like jumping off a bridge if she starts giving second by second details of a story she is sharing over dinner. Women love to talk. Some can talk forever and ever. Sometimes I love it when a woman can talk a lot because I love to listen, but OMG, other times I am happy if she would cut to the chase and tell me the same thing in 10 words or less. I have never mastered the art of small talk or chit chat. Another thing, there will never be a second date if my date is a phony on the first date. Me and phony are not a good match.
What I would love to do on a date is talk about articles or books I am reading or have read in the past. I love to talk about the antics of my daughters. I love to talk about travel and other cultures. Sometimes I like to talk about current events. I love to talk about positive things people are doing to make the world a better place.
I can only discuss interpersonal issues for so long before I get frustrated and feel like not trying to keep the relationship moving forward. This whole “same as” thing with lesbians has me confused. It is a big turn off when I start feeling enmeshed in a relationship. I don’t want someone who is dependent on me. I value individuality and love to spend time with thinking women with differing ideas as opposed to women saying what they think I want to hear. (One of my definitions of phony is when someone says what they think I want to hear.)
My first regret will be that I wasn’t honest with my sexuality from day one. Another regret is that I may be too fussy and judgmental about who I date and miss out on lots of rich experiences. I am a work in progress and if I keep my desire to be better and do better, then my reflections of my past choices will still make interesting stories for my grandchildren. Have a blessed day.
PS. I wish more women would write about their ideas and experiences. There are tons of interesting women who have something to say. I love real life stories.
OK. I’ve read what you have to say so far, so would you like to have coffee and talk?
Valerie
Ok, I need a lot of advice. I have lived all of my life married to the same man, of 23 years and there has been a recent change in events, with his health and he has expressed to me that he wants me to be truly happy. He wants me to start dating and find a woman to be with. I have kept that part of myself closed up for too long and although I don’t plan on leaving him because of his ill and failing health, I am truly excited to be able to explore that part of my life again. I am not going to neglect him either.
The thing is, I hope that I can find someone who will be patient and understanding of my situation. I want to devote my time and attention to a woman but I also have some responsibilities at home. Plus, I have a full time career. I am at a point in my life where I am learning to be independent. I have been preparing myself and our children for the day that comes that my husband will no longer be with us. It’s sad, but he’s really going down hill more and more as every few months go by. Speaking of stranger danger, that is a slight fear that I have in me also. I have spoken to a few women on-line and when there had been talk of meeting, I was very very cautious. I have really only met one girl and she turned out to be very nice, but she was only interested in “one thing” with me. (I can’t help it that I’m sexy. Ha ha ha!!) But I want more than just a physical relationship. I want to develop a loving relationship with someone. You never know what the other person’s agenda is.
The important thing is to get to know one another well. Become friends first and develop trust between one another. I’m one that likes to talk about current events and nature and science and all kinds of things. I just don’t like to gossip, because what if the person I’m talking to likes to gossip about other people all day long? What could she be saying about me to other people? That makes me uncomfortable. I like a woman who can make me smile and laugh and especially one who would take my breath away.
My ‘stranger danger’ feelings aren’t really in the area of protecting myself physically — I’m six feet tall, and rather intimidating at times! But I’ve always had walls up that have ensured that people are kept at a distance, whether they are potential relationships or just acquaintances. I think I have internal stories that I’m ‘different’ and ‘unworthy’, and that I need to keep people away from me so that they wouldn’t discover this about me, and then ‘reject’ me. Much safer to just keep them at arm’s distance. Years of therapy have helped some, but it’s still there, always there, and I have to really look for it and work to consciously overcome it, with varying degrees of success. I think it’s the biggest reason I have right now for why I can’t walk away from my current relationship, even though nearly everything about it isn’t working for me — but I’m more afraid of having to get out there and manage those walls than staying where I am. And this is my first lesbian relationship, so there’s ‘all that’, too….and I have this crazy notion that maybe there won’t be another. (yeah, I know…silly) It almost feels like a life or death situation sometimes just meeting someone for the first time ! Things usually go pretty well after the initial jitters wear off, and the conversation is good — I have a lot of interests and life experiences to talk about, and like to learn about other people and theirs as well. But then it doesn’t take much for me to hit the brakes afterward and put those walls right back up, as if the first meeting itself was the goal, and not the possibility of building a relationship after. May be afraid of having to keep up that good first impression, that the further we go, the chances are greater that she will discover I really am that loser that I have pictured in my story? Gaaaah !