Gay girls love sex. Being called “lesbian” describes our sexual preference right. So when is it ok to have sex? How fast can you get that lesbian you’re dating to be intimate? Get that gay girl between the sheets or stretched out on the couch?
I know you want the easy answer. Of course you do. So maybe we should ask a different question. When is it ok to have sex? After the first date? Second date? Third? Or perhaps you might ask yourself a better question: How do I stop blowing up my life by getting involved with the wrong gay girl?
Now if you want to push the Easy Button, when should you have sex? Anytime you both want it. That is the easy answer.
Can I Kiss You?
We all want the quick fix, the super pill, the five minutes to a flat belly and the instant coffee relationship that tastes like slow brewed and carefully tended good coffee grown slowly in the high mountains of Peru and carried on the backs of donkeys slowly down from the mountains to the valley and finally after many months right to your local Fair Trade Coffee Shop. Well that’s not going to happen.
The easy answer to jumping into bed early in a relationship is that you don’t know what it means for the long term. What you are getting from the experience of that hot steamy insane sex is nothing that relates to how well a long term relationship will work. Your fantasy is that what you’ve got today will last forever. That’s not true about anything my friend. This happy bit of information may make you decide that you are done ready this article today. But , hey keep reading.
I love sex and those early months and years of sex can be amazing and it doesn’t have to end ( a different article girls.) Great sex does not mean you actually get along with each other. It doesn’t have a thing to do with compatibility. It doesn’t mean you’ll like her dogs, her kids, the in-laws or her day to day lifestyle. It just means that you’ve got a nose for each others pheromones and your body chemistry and hers have got all your “sex” receptors turned on and running at full speed. If you haven’t had the feeling in a long time, then wow. It’s impossible to resist. And you’re pretty sure this woman is the love of your life!
Hormones are responsible for many of our feelings. Just think about PMS and your menstrual cycle. How many different feelings to you have in a month that are the result of this cycle. Then there is menopause. A whole new range of feelings show up. How about runners? We now know they are pumping endorphines (a type of hormone) into their body that creates feelings of happiness and shuts off feelings of depression. Depression can also be linked to hormones. Are you getting the picture that we are in large part driven by our hormones. Good for you. So it’s a great idea to know a few things about your hormones.
In the short term, sex is a lot of fun and has a lot of hormone action attached to it. Women are full of a hormone call oxytocin and that means you’re in deep thick mud up to your knees when it comes to sex. Oxytocin is the attachment drug. When you orgasm, it shows up big time. And it makes you feel attached to the other woman who has just had that earth shaking orgasm with you. Great news right because she is probably feeling attached to you too.
What worries you is that this great sexual attraction thing doesn’t seem to happen often. So that becomes another reason for thinking this woman is it. She’s THE ONE you’ve been waiting for all these days, weeks, months and sometimes years. This is often faulty reasoning.
Now what? Well for most of us, we go through a few months of being insane. Sex is a drug. Our bodies produce all these great hormones (chemicals) that drive us crazy for more sex. We are having loads of fun, barely coming up for air, losing weight! Sex diets are the best. Not only do we not miss food, we love this kind of exercise more than any other kind we’ve ever had. The feelings of butterflies, tingles, not being able to sleep and endlessly reliving the last great orgasm while we wait impatiently for the next is never boring. Sounds like someone on crack right?
Well it’s close to that. So what can possibly be wrong with all these good feelings. Nothing! Nothing at all. I love sex and I approve of it. BUT…
You knew there was a but coming right?
Those “great sex” drugs wear off. Their flow ebbs until you wonder if the tide will ever come in again. As the force of these sex hormones wears thin, all the other things we were ignoring can no longer be ignored. Her drinking or drugging, no income, rudeness to you or your friends, the long distance, the total lack of compatibility in values and life goals. Perhaps its the age difference. Or honestly, you’ve realized you are not in love with her and never will be. During this time of ebb, the list of things that are a conflict come up and start to get really loud in your head. Maybe they are getting really loud in her head.
My point here is not that you shouldn’t have sex early in a relationship. My point is that it will rarely lead to a long lasting relationship that really works. It will lead to a few weeks, months or maybe a couple of years of something fun, good and exciting. Then it will fizzle and now you’ve got a mess on your hands. Now what? Do you start counseling to save the relationship. Some relationships can be saved! Some cannot. Which one are you?
Sex. We love it and then it kicks us in the butt. Or perhaps the head. All of a sudden our friends are telling us they were worried all along and saw all the trouble signs we ignored. We look at them in disbelief but deep down we know they are right. We didn’t even ask our friends what they thought about this new love of our life. The one we ran out and bought a house with, moved across the country for or let move into our house with her promise that she’d find a job in no time at all. It’s also possible, you are both good caring women who believe you love each other but the rush of those sex drugs means you made your decisions based on your sex brain – the one between your legs - and not the one in your head. That “girl” down below isn’t that smart ladies. She’s just all about feeling good.
Sex makes us stupid. It makes us feel so amazingly good and it makes us dumb as dirt. I’ve done really stupid things for sex. I confused it with love, real lasting true love. I confused those amazing loud screaming and long lasting body quakes with love that would last forever. How about you? I’ve confused having a relationship with “on my god” with great sex. We’ve all been there. This whole story isn’t about making you feel bad, but helping you recognize you are normal.
The tough part is how to avoid getting into this situation over and over again. That’s the hard part that requires self discipline. Like the eating plan that requires you to stick to it for months to loss the 20 pounds. Or the exercise plan that requires you to show up and work out 3 or 4 or 5 days a week to get that flat belly and firm butt. Get it.
Your saying yes to sex early on is fine, as long as you are prepared to deal with the consequences that will be showing up at some point. And please don’t move in with someone just because you are having sex. Ugh! Bad decision. Bad news.
How do you stay out of bed? Just say no. Don’t cross those lines like go to her house for a first date and then get drunk. Can you say “set up?” And if you want to know how many dates does it take to get to to the “we are having sex tonight” date? Three is not the magic answer. That is a conversation you should be having with yourself, your date and perhaps you’re dating coach or therapist.
You might want to stop by my free teleseminar this Saturday to learn more about what drives us. Let me tell you, when it comes to our needs being fulfilled, we bail on our values all the time. Our human needs ultimately drive everything we do. Check out the teleseminar for this Saturday. Click here. Or just sign up right now!
The final easy answer, is to stay away from sex until you’ve found out if you are compatible; until you know that you have similar life goals; until you know that you can stand her crazy weird habits like leaving all her belongings in the middle of the floor every day; until you know she can stand your crazy weird habits like bathing three times a day no matter what.
Do you just want sex? Then do it knowing you’re going to continually break hearts. I’m not judging you. It’s not wrong. Just own the consequences baby. Are you tired of having your heart broken by getting sexually involved when you know she’s not available and it’s going no where? Then start saying no, buy a vibrator and learn to enjoy masturbation and a good erotic movie or book. It’s a good thing!!
Now, you’ve got to leave comments for me. I know there is a wild range of experiences out here and I want to hear about all of them. Scroll down to the comments section and tell me! Tell me now!
Hugs to each of you, Mary
Your Gay Girl Dating Coach
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About Mary Gorham Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Ask and you shall receive! That’s how I feel upon reading your column. Thank you, I needed to hear ALL of this. Putting it into practice is of course another matter but there are certainly compelling arguments against having sex too soon in a relationship. I’m not just worried about breaking others’ hearts, I’m worried about breaking my own.
Hi Brenda,
You hit the nail on the head. For many women, its really about accepting what your own heart can endure. Sometimes saying no is hard at first but easy in the long run.
One of my motto’s is: Hard Now – Easy Later… Easy Now – Hard Later. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the column. I very much appreciate it.
Hey gay girls… I’m here, waiting for your thoughts and comments. Leave them now! And thanks for reading and sharing.
Mary
Well, most of us grew up knowing not to fall into bed with a man. But how did we (I) miss this point with women? I’ve had a 13 year and 7 year relationship in the last 20. But now that I’ve been single for a year next month and I’m 51, I’m starting to think that the opportunities have passed.
Hi Deb,
Thanks for reading my article and for sharing your thoughts… and I would say YES you can still find love and a great relationship in your 50′s. The most important thing right now is to believe that the best is yet to come and there really is someone wonderful out there who is looking for you. In the meantime, celebrate being single and discovering more about yourself and what you enjoy in life and about life. As a woman in my 50′s also, we know there is still so much living and so much life yet ahead. So many good things are coming your way just open up to be available for them. Hugs, Mary
thxs much for your insigh.
Hey,
I made a pact with myself about two years ago that I wasn’t going to sleep with someone until I was in a relationship. In that two years I realised I had never got into a relationship without having sex first, I had no idea how to even start one once I took sex off the table.
However in that time I have learnt that I can date women without sleeping with them straight away. Although I do now give off a friend zone vibe, I have heaps of friends that I went on dates with – almost too many. But I know what I want a lot more now…