Are You Ready for Sex?

by Mary Gorham Malia

Are you ready for sex seems like a pretty obvious question? If you’ve been single for a long while, you’re shouting at me right now saying, Hell YEAH! It’s been too long and damn right I’m ready.

Well then… Let’s start by breaking things up into two categories.

Category 1 – Hook-Up Sex or Let’s Call it Casual Sex

Screen Shot 2013 01 13 at 6.30.49 PM Are You Ready for Sex? That’s sex for the sake of having sex and has nothing much to do with being in a relationship or creating and building a relationship.

It’s a common practice among younger women and definitely among teens. It’s not wrong or bad.

Let’s drop any shame, guilt or other negative associations you may have with it. Stop judging others and yourself, please.

Maybe a hook-up happened because you think she’s nice or super hot and sexy and unapproachable but she came on to you and is really into you in the moment and it’s so flattering to have someone want you that you say yes. Um yeah, that happens doesn’t it.

One of the outcomes of the women’s liberation movement is younger women have a very different perspective about their bodies and sex. It shows up in the practice of “hook-ups.”

We have so many ways to make each other feel ashamed or guilty about sex in our society and even in the lesbian culture. I’m advocating for getting over the out-dated rules that are part of our Judeo-Christian American culture or heritage. Or rules that say women are sluts if they engage in sex outside of a relationship. Yes, we know this rule exists in our little lesbian world, too. Also, to be clear, I’m not talking about a woman with a partner having an affair, ok? Good, let’s continue then…

The idea that lesbians, even into their 40’s, 50’s and beyond might be open to casual sex in some fashion is OK. It’s something that is mutually agreed upon. Two consenting adults engaging in something that feels good, is fun and is good for your emotional, mental and physical health.

It’s more and more common for women to have a F@#% Buddy, i.e. a friend who agrees to having sex with you but not seeking a partnered or love relationship. Just an agreement to have sex periodically when you’re both feeling the need with no strings attached (NSA.)

Um, yeah, not for everybody, but it’s one way to approach the idea of a hook-up but move it out of the stranger danger thing to someone

That’s right. Break out of the box of rules you have about sex but never break your safe sex rules. If you need permission to consider being sexual with someone who is not your life partner, consider this your permission.

Hook-ups Aren’t for Everyone!

It’s ok if you say back to me – nope, not for me Mary. It’s OK that its not for you but don’t malign the lesbian who says, I’m open to trying it out for various reasons. Hook-ups aren’t for me either but I’m not the sex police and as you can see, I don’t believe in pointing fingers, shaming or creating guilt.

I do believe you need to know what’s right for you and stick with that. In the meantime, many women are engaging in more casual sex for many reasons. If you’re a late to life lesbian you might be on the “catch-up” plan and that could mean you’re more open to the opportunities that are showing up in the moment.

And don’t forget when you were younger or just coming out and you’re sex drive was through the roof every day.

Ok, so let’s talk about the other category I’m using here today.

Screen Shot 2012 08 28 at 3.13.36 PM Are You Ready for Sex? Category 2 – Sex With A Gay Girl You Want to be in a Relationship With.

You’re dating a gay girl and she’s captured your interest and might be on the way to capturing your heart too.

When do you have sex?
What are the rules that are swimming around in your head?

• If you really like her and she’s open, go for it on a first date? (Tell me how this is different from a hook-up?)
• If you really like her, go for it on the third date?
• If you really like her, you’ll go for it anytime after you’ve had a couple of drinks?
• If she makes the first move, you always say yes even though you frequently regret it later and wonder why you say yes to something you almost always regret later?
• You view sex as something to be saved for the right woman and right relationship, so it’s never casual and never spur of the moment?

Are you starting to see a theme here?

It’s that sex and how we approach it varies by each individual and even then can vary depending on values, stage of life and your emotional state. And what’s the conversation about sex that you’re having with that amazing and sexy gay girl who’s got your head swirling anyway?

I want to invite you to consider joining my Roadmap to Love in 2013 program. In January we are going into detail on the subject of sex and dating. I work with women who are in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s. They are recently out or haven’t dated in a long time.

In January, I’ll be covering how to approach sex as a single lesbian in detail.

January 14th – When Do You Have Sex
January 21st – Sex Toys Pros and Cons
January 28th – The Legend of Lesbian Bed Death

I’d love to talk to you more about my Roadmap to Love in 2013 VIP Coaching Program. If this is something you’d like to discuss with me, I invite you to schedule a free 30 minute Lesbian Love Strategy Session with me. There is no obligation to enroll in the program and I promise that I’ll help you break through a barrier during our call whether you sign up for coaching or not.

It’s simple, click here and pick a time that works for you! I’m here to help you find love, happiness and a lasting relationship.

Finally, there’s the question of her, that gay girl you’re with? Is she ready for sex? More about that later this week.

For today, leave me a comment. You’re thoughts and reactions mean a lot to me. I read them all. So tell me what you think.

Sending you hugs,

new email sig Are You Ready for Sex?

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life and divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.

Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC | PO Box 10924 | Portland, ME 04104 |

| Office: 512-522-7494 |

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Barbara Beige January 18, 2013 at 7:19 PM

Mary, I think that you’re right about so many women having such strong opinions about the rules of sex. Many are because of our upbringing. Especially those of us who grew up Roman Catholic. I’ve found that life is too short to not explore and try something different. Really, if you’re being safe about your choices, what do you have to lose? You might actually like it. I openly admit that when I was between partners, I did the Friends With Benefits thing. It was a safe alternative to still being able to explore the avenue of lesbian sex. And, it was a heck of a lot of fun for me. Why should we not explore and enjoy that side of us? You might actually learn “something” to bring into a long-term relationship.

Now, I admit, there is something different about sex with a long-term partner. There is usually that extra level of intimacy there that includes a deep love that can make sex that much more special and incredible. I hope more of your clients and readers take your advice and look outside the box. If you don’t try something, you just don’t know what is right for you. After you try it, then I think you can say yea or nay. My opinion though! Thanks for all the great posts and advice!

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