We all remember the mean girls in school don’t we. The girl bullies that picked on other girls who didn’t fit in. Gay Girl Dating Coach isn’t a fit for everyone and it isn’t meant to be. If you’ve taken a few minutes to read the “About Me” page on this website then you know I came out later in life. I don’t promote myself as someone who has been out there fighting for LGBT rights for years. I don’t promote myself as someone who young women should be modeling. I’m simply sharing my story.
I am always impressed with women of any age who had the courage to step out and live their lives out in the open from a young age. It’s really true, I believe they did something special, especially back in the “day.” I don’t think my story of coming out later in life is special in any way, it just happens to be my story.
As part of my story, there is an ex-husband and children. That makes me divorced, like more than 50% of the population in this country and a good number of late to lesbian life women. There are a lot of us with exes that happen to be men we were married to at some point.
I will not apologize for my past and I don’t need to hide it.
Does the woman I date have to accept my past and find space for my children in some way? She sure does, just as I have to accept her past – exes, kids, family, pets, etc. The older we get, the more past that needs to be received and accepted.
What mean girls say…
A reader left a comment stating that somehow I was less than a lesbian, possibly still somehow married to my ex-husband, and in some way pushing or pulling him into my current relationship. It’s not the first time I’ve heard that comment. She might be a member of the “Mean Girl’s Club” or maybe she’s just been badly hurt by someone.
Really here’s what I think when this stuff happens: wow, that is one mad, pissed off, and enraged woman. I wonder what’s up with her and her ex-girlfriends. I wonder if she’s dated one or more women who came out later in life with ex-husbands and there’s been drama and hurts that still aren’t resolved. I wonder what she is afraid of that makes her so mad and mean.
One of my lessons in life that I’d share with any late-comer to the lesbian lifestyle is go SLOW. You’re a time bomb if you’ve waited a long time to come out, and it would be a good thing if you don’t go around blowing up any more lives than needed to stand in your truth. (I have to own that I blew up my family when I decided to stand in my truth and come out. It created a lot of pain for everyone but we have all moved on, healed, forgiven and we live good lives these days.) (And no, my ex-husband is not my best friend and that’s so okay with me.)
Some “life-time” lesbians who dated late to the party lesbians have been hurt by someone who is working through the confusion and uncertainty that is part of the coming out process for a woman later in life. Unfortunately it happens. The truth is that if we are alive on this planet we’ve been hurt by broken promises and broken hearts. What happens after that is always up to the individual. And even mean girls are really loving and kind women on the inside.
We all have our own path. It is unique to each of us. Even as none of us look exactly alike, so our paths are different and how we become more conscious and loving humans on this planet is different for each of us.
I don’t regret my marriage or my children and I don’t feel the need to apologize for making the choices I did at that time in my life. In this present moment, day, week, month and year I’m living my truth the best I know how, as consistently as I can, each and every day. I don’t always hit home runs, sometimes I make a mess of things, I’m still able to say something really stupid at times and at other times, I know wisdom shows up when I open my mouth.
I believe the universe is something like a big game that we are all playing together. There are a bunch of rules (you know, like gravity and the freezing temperature of water) that we are all here to learn and that help us grow. I believe the ultimate goal is that we learn to embrace the power of love for ourselves and for others. I don’t need to judge you because you are here for the same reasons I’m here. To learn more about love and to bring more love to a world that desperately needs it.
I’m glad you’re here. I am truly grateful for those men and women who have fought the good fight for gay rights and being out and open all these years. I am in awe of your courage and your love. Thank you for all you’ve done to make my late-comer lesbian life easier and better.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I think it just comes down to knowing what you want. I don’t think you should think of the person who left that comment as a “mean girl.” You should simply think of her as someone who has been around the block more than you have, and probably, like I do, has a whole lot more experience being gay, living the hard ships of the gay life, fighting for rights,etc. It might come off harsh, but it might not have been meant that way. It sounds to me like you are on the defensive, like you have something to prove, like you are still defending the fact that you were once married to a man and have this whole lifetime where you were “straight.” (I use the quotes because you were never ACTUALLY straight, just lived that way).
I think the hardest part about us life long gays understanding folks like yourself is that we will ALWAYS question such women. I cannot fathom loving a man, having sex with him, making a life with him and enjoying it. It doesn’t compute at all, and, yes, it makes me question you late bloomers when it comes to dating you. That is not to say your experiences aren’t valid; it is simply to say that you guys raise a lot of questions that more traditional gays like ourselves are. The questions are not mean. They are totally legitimate. Perhaps this person could have been more tactful, perhaps not. Sometimes the truth hurts, that’s all. I don’t know you, or her, so I cannot say whether this is the truth. However, I think perhaps you should stop and think of how YOU would feel in our places- here we are, always known we were gay, no leftover baggage from our straight lives, no kids, etc. That is a lot to swallow in a partner. I’ve tried it, personally, and it simply does not work for me. At the end of the day, I think a little understanding on both sides is warranted. Hope that makes sense.
**that traditional gays like us are trying to rationalize**
sorry, sentence got chopped off
Hey Shannon,
Thanks for sharing your view points about lesbian life. Every lesbian,queer,dyke woman I meet has her own rules about relationships, labels and what “she” thinks is right or wrong in life. You’ve shared a little about yourself in your series of posts. I think it is wonderful when anyone knows what she wants and doesn’t want and sticks to that. Even when we are so clear the truth about life is that people still get hurt. Often our truth is someone else’s pain. Life just isn’t as simple as black and white.
As you state “the hardest part of us life long gays is understanding folks like yourself” – and sometimes understanding isn’t the answer but as buddhist beliefs state – some things we must simply accept. Ultimately I believe we are all one and the fact that we spend so much time creating boxes and labels to put others into just says we have a long way to grow in acceptance of differences.
Congrats on being so clear about how you want to live your life and what your boundaries are. I always welcome questions and discussion. Thanks for joining in on this one. I enjoyed reading your blog today.
Thanks! I find your story very interesting. At first, I didn’t know if I’d be able to contribute anything worthwhile, but I am glad I could.
Some food for thought, and I will stop spamming your thread lol.
I was talking to a later in life lesbian just the other day, and directed her to this article, because she is always talking about how traditional gays won’t come anywhere near her. Says some of the same things you have said here, and I essentially said the same thing to her I did to you upthread. As the conversation progressed, it turned to the “born this way”meme that has been a huge point re: gay rights. I think a lot of traditional gays, myself included, kind of, in the backs of our minds view gays who were once “straight” as a direct, and very public, contribution to the coffers of our detractors. When you have gay men or lesbians who admit to having been happy in straight marriages, having kids,etc, it gives them ammunition. I hate to say it, but it does. Automatic point of resentment for traditional gays. While you are right that some things just are, and we have to accept that, some of what just is for you guys is a nightmare for us traditional rights activists. We cannot explain to our detractors that which we do not understand, and this very “late in life” phenomenon is a huge talking point for anti gay hate groups.
Something else she and I discussed is how to separate your former straight life from your new gay life. The last time I dated a woman with children, I had to deal not only with her slightly homophobic friends from her former “Straight” life, but with her manipulative kids who just wanted a “normal” mom who dated men like their friends’ moms, and with family members who didn’t know and who she said would never know, going to all kinds of really, really STRAIGHT events, with straight people…on and on. It was like suddenly I was back in the closet again in some environments just to accommodate this whole other life that she used to have, and, due to her ex husband and her children and friends and such from back then, she couldn’t completely let go of. She was the turning point for my no longer doing that. I was like “no way. Its not my fault this woman is on the hook to the tune of all this BS from 13 years of living a lie, and I shouldn’t have to be on the hook to it because she spent so much time making a mess of things like this.” After thinking about it, and (Gently) telling my friend this, while she didn’t exactly like my answers, she DID say that they were valid points. She, like you, is older than I am (I just turned 31), and realized that perhaps when it comes to dating, she might want to try to find other women like herself, who understand what it’s like to have been “straight” at some point in time and have some of that life left over.
Thanks for sharing such an interesting blog, once again.
Hi Spammer, er I mean Shannon,
I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your remarks here and I enjoy a reasoned and articulate debate and conversation. I totally get it and had to learn this lesson like every women that’s come out later in life. I also think it is absolutely the right thing to decide you don’t want to date women of my sort.
None of us is in this world to be everything to everyone. The one unacceptable thing in this world is hate. Hate breeds ignorance, violence and destroys so much. You don’t have to “be in love” with me, but its not a reason to hate my differences. I love my gay and lesbian friends that have always lived their lives out of the closet. I also love my friends who’ve come out later in life and I recognize we have different life views and experiences. It makes life interesting.
I truly appreciate you sharing your story. It’s pretty common I agree. I actually left the hetero lifestyle completely. I went to a hetero event locally for the first time in years last weekend. It was a sort of funny and odd experience. I recently walked away from a business because it wasn’t welcoming to gays being out and open. It’s a DADT policy in the company. My straight friend didn’t get it. And someone who still has one foot in each world and hasn’t been out for a long time might not get it either.
I dated a lovely woman for a while who has never been married but she’s in the closet. We would go out , she would dance with men. It was weird. Her whole family knows she’s a lesbian and really so does her professional world but she likes the act and feels its better for her business. It wasn’t great for our relationship.
Every experience we have teaches us something about ourselves. You’ve had some great lessons. Me too.
We are on the same page here. Come back anytime. xo, Mary
I’ve learned a lot from reading this. I don’t know many straight folks at all, other than like, my family. LOL @spammer. I totes am! I’ll be back, definitely~ xoxo
I think anyone who has a problem with this issue has obviously been there, done that and got their heart broken. Dating anyone who has “just come out”, regardless of age or circumstance, runs the risk of getting hurt. We all know that going into it. I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there, done that. I know I have. Live and learn….that’s what life’s all about.
Pretty much, Jana. For me, it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. It was quite the opposite. You know what works for you. I have this entry alerted because it resonates with me SO MUCH because of my own experiences on the other side.
My problem, if you can call it that, is that the lesbian/het paradigm does not account for a fluid sexuality or a sexuality spectrum. Some people CAN have experiences loving both sexes at different points in their life. It does not mean that when the person was straight, she was helping support anti-gay factions. Not all straight people donate to anti-gay hate groups, or have supported detractors. Why not trust a woman’s feelings NOW? NOW she is a lesbian, NOW she loves a woman, or would like to. I have seen so much intolerance of the bisexual, or late-in-life lesbian. It’s sad and hurtful and is just as bad as the straight bigot.