Let go of the past and start with Step 1 today. Some of you are dragging dead bodies around. Yes, you are. You know it. Your past relationship and past hurts are not only still haunting you but you invite the pain into your life everyday when you spend time thinking and getting emotionally twisted up by it.
Now I’m going to give you a couple of clues about how to let go of the past and move on. If you’ve recently broken up these suggestions will definitely help you. If you’ve been single for a very long time, just take a peak under the covers to see if any of this still applies to you.
We all know that dating someone who is still emotionally tangled up in a past relationship is a drag. It’s like having three women on a date and in a relationship. It’s also a pretty twisted relationship right? If it’s been more than a year and you’re still feeling emotionally torn by your past relationship(s) then you’ve developed a bad habit. You’re letting your thoughts get the best of you and that needs to stop. You are a gay girl that needs to let go of the past and get into the present.
Energy flows were we focus
Our emotions (which are energy) follow our focus. Are you focused on your past? Do you periodically find yourself visiting the past and the painful memories that go with it. Well your emotions follow your focus. If you’re focusing on happy memories, you’ll feel happier about life. If you’ve got the bad habit of focusing on the negative things that have happened you are going to be one very unhappy woman. You’ll be taking all the gay out of your gay girl life.
I’m not saying to ignore your past or ignore the impact of a break-up. We have to deal with the crap that’s happened to us and find resolution and create our own peace with it. Dealing can be everything from accepting what happened, to having a few good cries, to learning how to think differently about what happened. If you are still in the rawness of a recent breakup, be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to get through the initial earthquakes. Do things that are deeply self caring for yourself. Hang out with people who love you and support you. You have to vent, so do that but after a few weeks you need to start shifting your focus and energy so that you can move forward.
Shifting focus means becoming more conscious
Shifting focus means you are becoming conscious of what’s going on in your head and taking action to redirect your thinking. This is not complicated. It just takes committed action. And you can do it anytime and anywhere. When you realize that you’re thinking (and speaking) has gotten locked onto a target from your past or to any other form of trashy thinking just stop in the moment. Then say (preferably out loud) “Next!” or perhaps “Cancel!” or maybe “Shift!”
Are you getting my drift? You can take charge of your thinking and redirect what’s happening in your mind in a very simply way. If you do this every time you catch yourself visiting the land of negative thoughts, you’ll start to catch yourself faster and sooner. Instead of being 30 minutes into thinking about something hurtful from your past and spiraling down into the dark cave of feeling awful, it will start to happen at 10 minutes and then pretty soon almost right away.
When you say out loud to your mind to shift it’s thoughts to a new target it will respond. I like to use the word “Cancel!” to the negative nelly thoughts that travel around with me. I like the idea of canceling the negative thought and the negative energy of it. Pick a word that feels right to you and creates in you a sense of movement away from the old hurt and crap.
It all starts with just pivoting. Turning around and looking in another direction and trusting that this small shift will make a difference. It will. Owning your thoughts and with that awareness then shifting them is powerful stuff that you CAN DO!
One arena I struggled with for a long time was around a job situation that didn’t work out. I believed I was doing everything I could to make the job work including turning myself inside out to make a boss happy. Well there was no making that boss happy. She just didn’t like me and she was determined that I was never going to be able to please her. Even though her boss was happy with my performance, the situation deteriorated over time. Finally the day came when we parted ways.
I remember walking into work that morning and thinking I can’t do this for another day. I have to quit. I was scared about quitting and worried about my financial commitments but I realized my emotional and mental health were at stake and I had to leave. To my amazement the head of HR was there waiting to lay me off and offer me a severance package and unemployment. That was a help to me but I was trapped in my thinking about the company and the boss. I felt I’d been treated so badly by that person and the company. It took me a long time to shift my thinking and realize that I’d been given the gift of a new start and a new life.
For a good long while, it was all I could talk about. I can look back now and see that I lost a number of friends because I become so negative. I was stuck in blaming someone else for my unhappiness.
What finally happened after many months was that someone I respect as a coach and mentor reminded me of this simple formula. Hit the cancel button and then open myself up to seeing things differently. And that’s what I began to do. I asked the universe to help me see things differently. It took saying Cancel! many times to break the habit pattern of feeling miserable and used. Deciding to be grateful and thankful for the financial cushion that the company provided me was also important to my finally being able to move forward.
Decide to make a shift – pivot
Today, take Step 1. Decide to make a shift. Decide to consciously chose to shift your thoughts to the present and to be grateful for something. Even if all you can find today is to be grateful that you can breathe because your body needs oxygen and it’s abundantly available for you.
Step 1. What’s your pivot word going to be? ”Cancel!” or “Next!” or “Shift!” or something else? Would you leave a comment below and share with me and the other women that come here to read what your pivot word is going to be?
sending you all love and hugs,
Mary
Mary Gorham Malia
Dating coach extraordinaire for the gay girl community around the world! Helping lesbians find lasting love, have more fun and live the life of their dreams. I’m an adventurer, passion seeker, mompreneur, friend and all around gay girl. I love connecting lesbians to their dreams and helping them develop the skills they need to live an extraordinary life and have an amazing relationship. I’ve done this through starting meet-up groups, planning travel events and adventures for lesbians and hosting workshops and seminars to help women learn the secrets to finding a great match and lasting love.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC PO Box 10924, Portland, ME 04104 | Office: 207-450-1611| © 2012 Gay Girl Dating Coach, LLC
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
This article was very helpful….I’m “movin on”
Thank you, Mary
I like that! “moving on” great choice.
xo, M.
Love how reading your blog makes me FEEL!
My pivot word is “DELETE!”
Thanks,
InspireD
Thank you! That’s what I plan on each time I sit down to write. And I like your pivot word, another good one. “DELETE!” Hell yeah.
Well, mine’s a sound, like a tape rewinding.
A sound. I love it. The sound stimulates an image in your head. It works as an anchor for a pivot. I am so glad you shared because it gives other women permission to make their “pivot” totally unique.
Thank you!!! Mary
My pivot word is ‘Cut’ w/the image of me cutting any cords that are attached and strangling, seeing them dissolve.
Thank you for all your work.
I like it Roxanne. And I love that each woman how has commented here today has a unique word that gives Step 1 power and feeling. Good stuff Roxanne!
Mary, when you said “I am given the gift of a new start and a new life”. I realized that, although I am talking about a breakup, this is exactly what I’ve been given. I am not going down the same road repeating the same patterns. I’ve learned a lot about myself and realize that the rules that I have applied for who I have a relationship with no longer apply. Those were created from my past and who I was. I am no longer that person and need to discover what I require, need, and want in a relationship for who I am now. Living life anew, and possibly, with a woman who is a fit for me and I am a fit for too.
Thank you
Hi Valerie,
Great realizations you’re having. I’ll be releasing a video training in the next week that touches on “rules” and how we can rewrite them.
hugs, Mary
I am really looking forward to your video. Tomorrow is my birthday and I got my own cake. I had this written on it:
A new year
A new beginning
Out with the old and in with the new!
Thank you Mary for these much needed words of advice. I use “next”, because as painful as my past is, it’s important for me not to forget all the lessons I’ve learned, in hopes to becoming my most complete and happy self.
Thanks again!
Kat,
That is another great pivot word. “Next” implies that you’re not stuck and there is something else coming down the road for you. Wonderful choice. Love this one too. Thank you for sharing. Mary
I actually like the word “pivot” as a pivot word. I envision lifting up on my toes, engaging my core and gracefully turning away from my negative thoughts – bras en couronne optional.
That sounds lovely. Ready….. PIVOT!
hugs, Mary
Ok, my little phrase that I have been saying is, “Take a deep breath, think positive and move forward.” Then I ask God, or the Universe to give me strength and help me to overcome any negativity or negative thoughts and help me to have more positive thoughts.
I have noticed in my lifetime that when I think negatively, then negative things happen. My mother had noticed this in me also, and before she passed away, she told me to turn my negative thoughts off, and think positively so that good things will happen for me in my life. I have taken her advice and I have noticed so many good things happening for me in my life. I want to thank you for reminding me of this good habit.
I like the word “go” to let “those” thoughts “go” one way and to let myself “go” on to something else. I also like the reminder in the text about gratitude this is something I make an effort to do most nights. I keep a notebook by the bed and I simply write down things I feel “gratitute” for in that day. Anything… sometimes it is just that it was a beautiful day, or I could hear the birds sing, or a kindness received. Being grateful even for the little things.
Hi Terri,
That’s a great image. I’m enjoying all these creative ideas on letting go. Thank you for sharing your idea – “go”!
Mary
I found it very hard to move on due to the fact that every relationship I have been in has been abusive in all different ways. I had counseling been on nerve pills, actually lost my mind and trusted no one. God helped me get out of the last one which ended 2 years ago. I thought I would try again with a different out look and was told “I won’t hurt you I promise”. 8 days later she text me breaking up with me because I took a nap instead of spending time with her. I don’t know how I end up with these people but I will say I need to…. “DELETE” and find someone who is going to treat me with the respect and honesty as well as all the rest in a relationship as I do for them.
My pivot word(s) are “Out of my head” and I snap above my head pointing up in the air.
Priscilla, I LOVE that image. Reminds me of Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blond. Really fabulous. Thanks for sharing.
I am going to use Let Go Let God…..Just ended a bad relationship
After a year of waiting… (and not being sure what I am waiting for exactly) I’ve been working on this technique for about a week now. My magical word is REBOOT
Thanks very much i start using the word “Next” today i need to move on