Let go of the past and start with Step 1 today. Some of you are dragging dead bodies around. Yes, you are. You know it. Your past relationship and past hurts are not only still haunting you but you invite the pain into your life everyday when you spend time thinking and getting emotionally twisted up by it.
Now I’m going to give you a couple of clues about how to let go of the past and move on. If you’ve recently broken up these suggestions will definitely help you. If you’ve been single for a very long time, just take a peak under the covers to see if any of this still applies to you.
We all know that dating someone who is still emotionally tangled up in a past relationship is a drag. It’s like having three women on a date and in a relationship. It’s also a pretty twisted relationship right? If it’s been more than a year and you’re still feeling emotionally torn by your past relationship(s) then you’ve developed a bad habit. You’re letting your thoughts get the best of you and that needs to stop. You are a gay girl that needs to let go of the past and get into the present.
Energy flows were we focus
Our emotions (which are energy) follow our focus. Are you focused on your past? Do you periodically find yourself visiting the past and the painful memories that go with it. Well your emotions follow your focus. If you’re focusing on happy memories, you’ll feel happier about life. If you’ve got the bad habit of focusing on the negative things that have happened you are going to be one very unhappy woman. You’ll be taking all the gay out of your gay girl life.
I’m not saying to ignore your past or ignore the impact of a break-up. We have to deal with the crap that’s happened to us and find resolution and create our own peace with it. Dealing can be everything from accepting what happened, to having a few good cries, to learning how to think differently about what happened. If you are still in the rawness of a recent breakup, be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to get through the initial earthquakes. Do things that are deeply self caring for yourself. Hang out with people who love you and support you. You have to vent, so do that but after a few weeks you need to start shifting your focus and energy so that you can move forward.
Shifting focus means becoming more conscious
Shifting focus means you are becoming conscious of what’s going on in your head and taking action to redirect your thinking. This is not complicated. It just takes committed action. And you can do it anytime and anywhere. When you realize that you’re thinking (and speaking) has gotten locked onto a target from your past or to any other form of trashy thinking just stop in the moment. Then say (preferably out loud) “Next!” or perhaps “Cancel!” or maybe “Shift!”
Are you getting my drift? You can take charge of your thinking and redirect what’s happening in your mind in a very simply way. If you do this every time you catch yourself visiting the land of negative thoughts, you’ll start to catch yourself faster and sooner. Instead of being 30 minutes into thinking about something hurtful from your past and spiraling down into the dark cave of feeling awful, it will start to happen at 10 minutes and then pretty soon almost right away.
When you say out loud to your mind to shift it’s thoughts to a new target it will respond. I like to use the word “Cancel!” to the negative nelly thoughts that travel around with me. I like the idea of canceling the negative thought and the negative energy of it. Pick a word that feels right to you and creates in you a sense of movement away from the old hurt and crap.
It all starts with just pivoting. Turning around and looking in another direction and trusting that this small shift will make a difference. It will. Owning your thoughts and with that awareness then shifting them is powerful stuff that you CAN DO!
One arena I struggled with for a long time was around a job situation that didn’t work out. I believed I was doing everything I could to make the job work including turning myself inside out to make a boss happy. Well there was no making that boss happy. She just didn’t like me and she was determined that I was never going to be able to please her. Even though her boss was happy with my performance, the situation deteriorated over time. Finally the day came when we parted ways.
I remember walking into work that morning and thinking I can’t do this for another day. I have to quit. I was scared about quitting and worried about my financial commitments but I realized my emotional and mental health were at stake and I had to leave. To my amazement the head of HR was there waiting to lay me off and offer me a severance package and unemployment. That was a help to me but I was trapped in my thinking about the company and the boss. I felt I’d been treated so badly by that person and the company. It took me a long time to shift my thinking and realize that I’d been given the gift of a new start and a new life.
For a good long while, it was all I could talk about. I can look back now and see that I lost a number of friends because I become so negative. I was stuck in blaming someone else for my unhappiness.
What finally happened after many months was that someone I respect as a coach and mentor reminded me of this simple formula. Hit the cancel button and then open myself up to seeing things differently. And that’s what I began to do. I asked the universe to help me see things differently. It took saying Cancel! many times to break the habit pattern of feeling miserable and used. Deciding to be grateful and thankful for the financial cushion that the company provided me was also important to my finally being able to move forward.
Decide to make a shift – pivot
Today, take Step 1. Decide to make a shift. Decide to consciously chose to shift your thoughts to the present and to be grateful for something. Even if all you can find today is to be grateful that you can breathe because your body needs oxygen and it’s abundantly available for you.
Step 1. What’s your pivot word going to be? ”Cancel!” or “Next!” or “Shift!” or something else? Would you leave a comment below and share with me and the other women that come here to read what your pivot word is going to be?
sending you all love and hugs,
Mary Gorham Malia
Dating coach extraordinaire for the gay girl community around the world! Helping lesbians find lasting love, have more fun and live the life of their dreams. I’m an adventurer, passion seeker, mompreneur, friend and all around gay girl. I love connecting lesbians to their dreams and helping them develop the skills they need to live an extraordinary life and have an amazing relationship. I’ve done this through starting meet-up groups, planning travel events and adventures for lesbians and hosting workshops and seminars to help women learn the secrets to finding a great match and lasting love.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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