I was just reading your website, and this is almost exactly what I’m going through. I actually came across your site actually for tips and help on how to cope with everything that’s been going on cause I’m really struggling.

I’ve been involved with a married woman for over 3 years (and have been best friends with her for over 6). This was a complicated relationships all around as she had a long distance relationship and finally got married about 3.5 years ago. I throughout our friendship I heard about the troubles in their marriage, how much she missed him, or how awful he was being and helped her work through it all. I moved halfway across the country indefinitely (for work), about 6 months after they married, and the first time she came out to visit my new home, things took a turn for the unexpected.

I’ll be honest, I’ve never been with a woman before. I couldn’t tell if it was the distance between us or the ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ thing that happens, but over the next few months we just both completely fell in love with each other, and hard. I would fly back home as much as I could, often not even telling other friends and family that I was back, but just to spend time with her. And she would fly out to see me, or make her flight have stopovers on her way back from visiting her husband (and then ‘accidentally’ miss the connecting flight).

The issue for me was that she was never sure what she wanted. At one point, had I said I want you to leave him for me, I think she might have, but I remember saying ‘please don’t leave him FOR me, leave him because you don’t want to be with him, and we’ll see if we work’. I’m still replaying that moment in my head every so often, because I feel like things could have been so different. I know she wants the typical family (a husband, kids, a house, financial stability, etc).

Throughout our relationship I was constantly torn between wanting to help her make her marriage work (if that’s what she wanted), and wanted to be in a relationship with her myself. The opportunity arose for them to finally live together, and I encouraged her to give it a chance (possibly thinking that it would not work anyways). I thought I could be patient and wait it out. Well it worked for a period. She talked divorce, she talked separation. I moved back home (to the same city they were living), and she asked for my help when the day come that she be ready to leave.

Throughout this period, she and I started fighting more and more. I guess I’m not as patient as I thought I could be. I’m not sure if that’s what made her change her mind, but they are now in marriage counseling trying to make it work. We tried to continue with a friendship, that seems to have shattered into pieces, but couldn’t find a balance between relationship expectations and friendship and just started fighting about the most ridiculous things….

This is my first relationship with a woman, and I have to say, it’s unbelievable how much it hurts. I’ve lost my best friend, my sister, my partner, my family. She was everything to me. We haven’t spoke or text or emailed in 4 days, which is longer than I’ve EVER gone without talking to her (one day whole with no contact used to be too much). This is so painful. I know i made terrible decisions, I know I am to blame. I guess I deserve this. Trying to cope

I, too, feel like I got to taste the forbidden fruit but didn’t have enough time to figure out if I am truly gay or am bi and can still make things work with my husband. Complicating all of this is the fact that my mother has terminal cancer (my affair was in motion before her diagnosis). From my therapy and knowing myself, I feel like I must first deal with the cycle of grief surrounding my mother’s illness before I can address my marriage. Losing my mother is hard enough; losing my husband and the family network? That is too much. Meanwhile, my husband, who is smart, devoted, a wonderful grounding caretaker, and my best friend waits on me to decide what will happen with our marriage. He cannot handle an open marriage and I’m starting to agree it would be too complicated. But I know I need to further explore. How to do that while married? I have not clue.
He is trying to be supportive for me about my mother, but I find I seek help from WOMEN when it comes to my grief over my mother and my sexual issues. There’s only so much he can help with. My ex-lover’s mother has terminal cancer as well. I maintained with my husband and with my therapists that I wanted to stay in contact with her so I could keep up with her and her mother, both of whom I pray for. But it sure doesn’t help my marriage to have any contact with my former lover, who I now just consider a long-distance friend. I have never in my life written off someone or stopped communication with them. Most people believe all contact should be cut off, but I still wonder if that is the right thing in this instance. Like some other people have mentioned in their posts, I’ve come to think that if I were ever going to reconnect with my former lover, it will happen years from now only if I end up divorced and have had some time to figure myself out. Now is not our time.
Despite over 6 months of therapy and a very supportive husband, I too am confused and trapped, thus my trying to find support any way I can get it. I feel for you, AM, and I hope that it helps to know that others understand how utterly painful this is.