Can you keep the dating boundaries you set? How about your boundaries for living your best life. You have them right? Boundaries are the rules you make to ensure your personal safety, well being and happiness. To get what you really want in life, you need to say “yes” to what you do want and “no” to what you don’t want. This is a challenge for most people. This is also an area where I help my clients stay on track and stop giving away the keys to their hearts.
Why should I keep boundaries in dating?
Keeping the boundaries you chose, staying connected to your relationship requirements, holding off on sexual involvement until you are ready, being the “chooser” and not reacting mindlessly to being pursued by someone, not becoming exclusive until you are well into the testing stage of dating all require you to have clear boundaries.
Keeping boundaries is also about not compromising, especially while you are dating. If your dating goal is to find a partner and have a successful long term relationship, then knowing how to say “no” to yourself is a critical skill.
Far too often we compromise at the start of a relationship and that’s the wrong time. It is so important to be authentic when you are starting to date. And the importance of authenticity doesn’t diminish but grows.
It’s not that you should reveal all your secrets right off the bat or that you should be announcing you are in love after date #3. Don’t do that ok? Both of these things can quickly end something that has just barely begun. You create an imbalance in a new situation that can’t be easily corrected.
Your ideal partner is your equal.
Your ideal partner is your equal and should not be idealized or put on a pedestal. You deserve an amazing mate but don’t forget that you too are an amazing woman with much to offer an amazing person. Pedestal dating shows up far too often in life. We idealize a woman, thinking she’s “all that” and later we have to kick her off the pedestal when we discover she’s sort of just like the rest of us. When you try to find our specialness by putting your date on a pedestal, you’re both going to end up unhappy.
When you meet that woman you find appealing, bring reason with you on your dates. Chemistry is just one element in determining if she is right for you. You need to be the “chooser” in your dating life and hold that boundary for yourself. Take things slow and steady. You’re not in a sprint, you’re running a marathon so pacing yourself is important. The woman that is right for you will appreciate you’re steady and consistent approach versus having her world blown up. We’ve all been there, done that and don’t want to watch the re-runs.
Most woman are all too eager to compromise. Are you someone who gives up on your requirements for a great relationship when chemistry shows up wearing great jeans and a sparkling white t-shirt with that quirkly smile? Step back from thinking about how good she smells and focus on your ideal relationship. Keep asking yourself questions that bring you back to your requirements for a great relationship.
Imagine a line in the sand – the relationship 50-50 line. You and your life partner are facing each other with your feet firmly planted on either side of the line.
It’s always comes back to 50-50
In order for a relationship to develop and have longevity, both of you need to pull your weight and contribute equally to the partnership – on a 50-50 basis. If one contributes less, it means that the other will have to pick up the slack and contribute more. This creates imbalance and should never be part of a dating relationship. This kind of compromise should only happen after you’ve made a long-term commitment to the relationship and each other.
In a new relationship, there is absolutely no reason to compromise and cross the 50% line. It sets up a dangerous precedent, which will eventually cause a rift in the relationship when your needs are not met. And I guarantee if you start out compromising, your needs are not going to be met. And my friend, that’s your fault.
Keeping boundaries is about not crossing that line. Don’t start by compromising on your boundaries, values, requirements and needs, because you’ll end up selling your soul for love. And love is not something that can be bought.
What do you think? Have you forgotten to enforce your own set of boundaries at times? What’s it cost you? Or are you someone who really sticks to your boundaries and what have you gained by staying true to them? I’d love if you’d leave a comment below.
About Mary Gorham Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Mary;
thanks so much for sharing your insights and experiences. I am dating and really aware of the chemistry with us both. I have waited and have discussed it with her too as this month I feel particularly vulnerable. Can I ask you … when is it appropriate to move forward sexually? After the tenth date or after 3 months…? I have waited and not waited; still single there were obviously other factors involved too….
Cubby
Cubby,
The best time to move forward is when you both can agree about what having sex means. It’s not the act of sex that is a problem, it’s what you think it means versus what she thinks it means. If you think it means you are one big step closer to commitment but she thinks its a casual fun thing – that spells trouble quickly. If you both see it as a deepening of the relationship and a comfortable next step that you both feel good about… then enjoy!!
I don’t want to be the sex police OK! But we do all agree that sex is a powerful and potent experience. So take care of your heart when you’re stepping through that door and be respectful of “her” heart also.
hugs, Mary
Hi Mary,
Thank you for your existence! Reading this a little too late I must add!
I tried online dating and immediately within 3 days met a woman. She was sexy, intelligent, my age. I was attracted and wanted to know her better. We met and arranged another date.
I got a call from a friend from out of state who just lost her partner to brain cancer and decided to move to help her. I told the woman I dated and she understood however wanted to see me one more time. I am planning to move back in a couple of months.
Make this short, she made love to me. I wasn’t expecting to go fast however I allowed it. I didn’t make love to her. I was in a bit of shock to allow myself to let it happen. I told her later I didn’t make love to her because I was intimidated.
We agreed to keep in touch. We got a long great! I even took down my dating profile! The first weekend away from each other she said she met someone. I cried a little, felt silly.
So, I agree. We must protect our hearts and also take it slow. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to go do fast even though I wanted to learn something about myself in doing so. Oh, I learned! I learned, I am fragile for a reason and I must guard myself to find the right one.
Thank You for your article!
-TooQuickly