Girls, there are games our ego plays. Some for fun, some to massage our ego and some because we just don’t know any thing different. There are games we learned in elementary school and we are still playing them. And because girls play with many “unspoken” rules and lots of code talk the games can be really hard to figure out. It’s a bloody game for sure and we are all pretending to be just fine, thank you!

 

I’ve got one major goal that I want to accomplish

through Gay Girl Dating Coach

I’ve got one major goal that I want to accomplish through Gay Girl Dating Coach and it’s not that you find a great date but that you find yourself. That you fall in love with yourself. That you discover how amazing you are and that you can love every part of yourself. That you will discover how to accept yourself fully and rest from the constant struggle of feeling like you are not enough. And what I truly believe, is that as you allow the love that is in you to blossom by loving yourself – you will find that amazing and wonderful woman.

I know that’s probably not what you expected to hear from me. Or maybe one or two or more of you did know this already. But listen up gay girls, I want you to live your best lesbian life! I want you to experience love! I want you to have a lot more fun. This is all attached to how you view yourself. Let’s go just a little bit deeper. Can you say ego?

Ego is not your personality.

Ego. You’ve got one, I’ve got one. It’s constantly showing up in everything you do. Sometimes it is helpful, other times it creates a mess and we wonder what the hell just happened. We also run into each other’s ego’s. Family, friends, kids and girlfriends or partners. Everyone has an ego that influences how we “are” in the world.

Ego is not your personality. Ego is actually something we create to deal with the world and its social structures. I’ve written lately about  the “mean girls” and how as woman we define ourselves as lesbian, gay, queer, dyke, femme or with some other label. These labels are all about ego. It’s like having a job title where one title is better than another. Who wants to be the mail room dyke when you can be the Rock Star Celesbian? Right, not many of us.

We let our ego’s define our selves. Wrong!

Ego is a way we have come to define our selves or self identity. Our ego’s get threatened when we believe our identity is threatened. Does that ever happen to you? When someone tells me I was not a lesbian, how does that impact me? Well if I am looking for “her” to validate my lesbian self I’m in deep trouble, but since I’m not it just strikes me as very odd for someone to say about another person. Wherever we are looking to someone else to tell us we are enough – we are in deep sh*t. Deep.

No one will ever be able to make you feel secure or to feel like you are enough. Your ego is always looking outside of you for validation, attention, acceptance and significance. We all want all of these things but others will fail to give us enough of these things. Eventually most relationships fall apart because our egos got the best of us. Of course, there is the problem of picking a lover that is simply a bad match for other reasons but we picked her because our ego got in the way of our seeing and accepting that truth.

Our ego is also very busy labeling others. We want to put every one in a box. Come on, let’s be honest here. It makes life simpler to have a few categories that are familiar and just dump every gay girl into what you think is the box for her. That let’s you keep your mind uncluttered. It let’s you have a false sense of certainty, security and safety.

This box business or label bias is one reason why bi-girls are a problem in the lesbian community. There is too much uncertainty and that makes the seeker of certainty say – nope, not doing that. (This is not to dismiss the experience of some lesbians that bi-girls they dated ended up going for a guy.) Most people of any gender or sexual orientation are seekers of certainty first. And certainly most women crave certainty. It’s built into our DNA. That damn DNA creates more than a few problems.

The foremost quality of ego is self preservation.  You define yourself as somebody now, and you want to preserve this definition of yourself into the future until you get a better definition. If you came out later in life, you’re very intent on cementing your new definition of yourself as lesbian. You are afraid that if you can’t have this definition of yourself, you will fail. You feel the loss or maybe enjoy the letting go of your self definition in the heterosexual world and when a life long lesbian says, “You’re not a lesbian.” – you are both contending with ego and the definitions you’ve decided on and the labels and boxes we put each other into.

We are afraid to define ourselves. Many of us have been yelled at with the words, “Who do you think you are?”  I’ve had that one thrown at me by my parents and lovers – it helped create a lot of doubt in me over the years.

Actually many of you are afraid to define yourself period. You let your friends write your online dating profile. When someone says tell me about your self, you tell them what you do! Not who you are because you’re not sure who you are. You are afraid of defining yourself. This fear is one of the hallmarks of the ego. So I’m giving you permission to define yourself. Come up with your own label for you. Decide to let your best self out of everyone else’s box.

I’m writing about all this to get to a point. An insight I want to share that I had last night. I went to the local t-dance (an hour’s drive from my home) to connect with the DJ, DJ Jodi. She has been running this event consistently for 10 years and I’ve attended a lot over that time. Jodi is deeply committed to building community and making space happen for lesbians.  She is a real gift to gay girls.

It’s probably been almost a year since the last time I went to a t-dance but Jodi and I are working on a project together and I wanted to just connect face to face. So with that being done, I grabbed a glass of wine and sat down to watch the crowd build. This event usually draws well over a 100 women and sometimes up to 200 women will attend. So it’s definitely a “scene.”

It was a slow start to the evening. As I sat, I felt around inside myself and realized that for the first time I was in a very different place while at the dance. I was at peace. I looked around and I could pick out the women that were already stressing about whether they would meet someone. I could feel their pain and their loneliness in the gathering crowd of lesbians. I wasn’t there to meet anyone. I just wanted to feel the energy in the room. I sat and thought about that energy. It was a mixed bag with some happy women and some nervous and tense women. Ultimately we all have access to the best energy available  - love. Energy in it’s purest form is pure love.

I watched women watching women. I could feel the judgements being made, the labels being drawn out of a back pocket and slapped on someone and the sense of constriction that happens when our hearts are closed. I understand it and I wish it wasn’t so.

Our egos are not keeping us safe. Our egos allow us to be controlled by others and what they think. From our friends opinions to the demands of a girlfriend. Our ego creates the false need to have their acceptance, their recognition and their love. What if you weren’t ruled by that ego anymore?

As I sat and continued to watch, I saw in my minds eye the room being full of the energy of love. I couldn’t help but smile. I imagined what it would be like if we could all let our guard down, let go of our egos and see each other as the amazing creatures we all are. Each one of us being amazingly unique but all of us being forever connected by our DNA and all the ways we are the same. And by the energy of love that is inside each of us.

Is this getting too spiritual for you? I hope not. Where does this kind of love start? It starts when you learn to love yourself, accept your best and worst self and let go of having to be right. Perfection and always being right is a fantasy we need to bury in the deepest ocean.

But being right feels so good!

That is one more game our ego plays with us – the desire to be perfect and right because then we are loved and significant but for all the wrong reasons.  This pure and powerful kind of love starts with one person, one lesbian deciding to be her true self and not backing down from it.

One person can make a difference. One lesbian committed to helping the community shift from uncaring to caring can make a difference. Jodi has been doing just this for years. Loving the community and showing up with consistency. I did it last night. You can do it too.

So let me close out by sharing wisdom from a speech Steve Jobs gave a while back. You’ve probably already seen this but read it again from the perspective of our gay girl world. For the last few years I’ve had a special connection to Steve Jobs – only in my meditations and that’s another story – but this piece of his story is powerful and important. So go on… read it.

Wisdom from Steve Jobs:

… When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma (ego!)— which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

[From Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address]

If you are always looking outside of yourself for the rules of how to live your best lesbian life, you won’t be able to live it. Your ego wants you to look to others to tell you what the rules are and who you are. Don’t let it happen. Your best life story needs to be written by your own intuition, your own inner voice and by you living your most authentic life. Our ego and the ego of others around us wants us to engage in the ego game. Step away, find the amazing experience of loving yourself (for no reason but just because you are here on this earth), find your self and find your peace.

with much love to you all, Mary

PS: Join me over on Facebook and tell me what you think? This is a bit different right?

 

 

About Mary Gorham Malia:

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.

 

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