Do You Feel Invisible? Part 1

by Mary Gorham Malia

Well do you feel invisible? Or are you just hiding? Some of you have chosen to be invisible so let’s talk about why you would do that.

I know about being invisible. I spent a great deal of my life believing no one saw me, heard me or cared about me. I know you find that hard to believe but it’s true. Even now, once in a while, I hear what is now a tiny little voice in my head telling me that I’m invisible and the people around me don’t see me.

That’s a big ole bunch of crap. I don’t have an invisibility cloak and Harry Potter is not my friend. Believing I was invisible was just a way to create safety for myself and try to not be hurt. It didn’t work cause I still got hurt. Being invisible hurt.

InvisibleWoman Do You Feel Invisible? Part 1Why would we ever believe we are invisible?

Well because deep down inside we think we are just not loveable. You are convinced that your imperfection is so big and powerful that love can’t find you and that love doesn’t want you and neither does any woman on the face of the earth.

You think you aren’t pretty enough.  Your eyes are the wrong shape.

Your nose is too big. Your thighs are too fat. You weigh too much.  Your hair is too curly or too straight.  You are too old and wrinkly. Or maybe you are too short or too tall.

Or maybe you have the infamous belly fat problem and you can’t ask anyone out until you’ve gotten rid of it. Of course, you’ve been trying to get rid of it for years… so perhaps you need a different approach.

Ok, so let me just say here that this is crazy talk! You are talking crazy and listening to crazy in that little ole head of yours.

What’s the real obstacle?

The only real obstacle to love in your life is you and your belief that your imperfections mean no one can love you and no one will want to love you.

Whatever imperfection you’ve chosen as THE BIG REASON no one will love you might be unique to you but it’s not the real obstacle. (And secretly let me tell you, it’s not that unique either.)

Next time you get brave enough to attend an lgbt event take a long slow look at everyone in the room. The majority of people in that room don’t qualify as having perfect looks and most are not beautiful by “Celebrity”,“TV” or “Magazine” standards, but many are in a loving and long-term relationship.

Isn’t that one of the really beautiful things about being lesbian, you can break all the rules of looks, clothing, body type etc that the heterosexual world imposes on so many women.

When you feel powerless about love, you have to find reasons why you are unlovable because you are thinking you must be unloveable or somehow broken. You can go back to your childhood to point fingers at the adults in your childhood or you might lay the blame on your most recent ex-girlfriend. The truth is you hold the power over what you believe.

Here’s the obstacle!

If you think that you are unlovable, this belief in the impossibility of love makes looking for love an anxious, confusing and painful process. It also makes it very hard to have success in your goal to find love and relationship.

So I’d like to invite you to make a shift in your thinking. You are an adult with adult super-powers. Yes, I said you have adult super-powers! It’s time you use them.

Instead of asking your self the same old questions such as:

  • How come nobody likes me? Or…
  • How come nobody notices me? Or…
  • What’s wrong with me? Or…
  • Why don’t I look like that woman over there? Or…
  • Why can’t I be thinner, prettier, younger, taller, shorter, smarter or whatever? Or…
  • Why does everyone else get to be in love and not me?

It’s time to use your super powers and start asking some different questions. Let’s start with…

  • What if there was a limitless supply of love in the world? Or…
  • How am I showing up in ways that might cause women to avoid me? Or…
  • How am I making myself invisible? Or…
  • How am I avoiding making eye contact? Or…
  • How am I hiding behind the people I am with? Or…
  • Why do I talk to people I am not really interested in? Or…
  • Why am I not talking to the woman I am really interested in? Or…
  • Where am I blind to my self-imposed limits?

Are You Ready to Stop Hiding?

Start by taking a couple of long slow breathes. Feel the air move into your lungs and then slowly out of your lungs. Ok… now…

Imagine that you are the source of the life you are living. Imagine you are the source of your pain and your happiness. Imagine you have the super powers needed to change everything. Just imagine…

Imagine that everyone actually sees you. Imagine that everyone who sees you probably thinks you are a good and loving person. Come on, imagine that.

Imagine that the majority of women you meet are actually good and kind women.  Imagine that more than one of them may actually be interested in getting to know you.

Why would you want to remain invisible if this is the world you live in?

This is an exercise in examining how you co-create your world and your experience of life.   You view life as happening TO you but actually it is happening THROUGH you.

What if… you were the biggest limiting factor to having love and relationship in your life?

What if you had a super-power that could totally change this?

Remember what I said about super powers. Yeah. You’ve got them. It’s time to use them. Let’s call them lesbian super powers!  Yah!

So on Thursday of this week, I’m going to share with you stories of “being seen” and giving up being invisible and what happens when you decide to be seen in the world.

Get ready for it.

Till then keep using your super powers to ask new questions and imagine your world full of good, kind and loving people who see you.

Now share with me what’s happening to you and in you as you open to the possibility of love happening through you.

What’s your amazing lesbian super power? How does it feel to be seen? And how does it feel to love yourself so powerfully?

I can’t wait to find out.  So join me on Facebook this week and tell me, what’s your amazing lesbian super power!


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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Ana Maria August 20, 2012 at 8:54 AM

Hi Mary,
I love your article! I must admit that I did use to feel invisible, but not in the Lesbian scene but in my past “heterosexual” scene. It has come as a breath of fresh air to have joined 2 Lesbian groups and to have indeed notice that the stereotypical female body ‘rules ” don’t seem to apply ! and indeed there are a lot of great women of all sorts of shapes and sizes who are so comfortable with who they are! I love it and it makes me feel absolutely great and free to be just good old me!
I am finding that being a Lesbian is very liberating although there are still obstacles in my way, I’m sure I’ll find a way of getting through them ,especially with some one like you putting up all this great posts and videos!!!
Once again a huge Thank You!!!!


Linda August 21, 2012 at 12:48 AM

Hi Mary,
Thanks for this great post! You are always so uplifting to my spirit! I have to keep reminding myself that I am not a negative person. I was thinking that maybe women just aren’t attracted to me. I don’t know why. I just don’t have the confidence in myself. I haven’t been with a woman in such a long time that I feel that they just aren’t interested in me. But the other thing is, I’m shy. I don’t put myself out there. I haven’t made an effort to go meet any other lesbian women. Well, I did go to one group, but I only went twice to their meetings.
The one thing that makes me happy is that the “straight” women I work with are all so nice to me. A lot of times they give me so much attention. So if that’s the case, I’m quite certain that could happen for me if I could be with a group of lesbian women. Maybe someone will take an interest in me for who I am. I’m smart, kind, healthy, I exercise daily and I am independent. Thank you for reminding me to think positive about myself. I know there has to be love out there for me.


Danielle August 21, 2012 at 1:23 PM

Hello Mary,
As I was reading your post, I must admit, “Yes”, its true, I’ve seen myself in most cases.. But! I’ve worked hard and many years on myself, both alone; with professional help.
Now, my self esteem, self confidence, self respect, independance and mostly, my Love for myself, have me facing other situations…
Today, what I’d like for myself is; Of course a woman, or, I should say, soul mate!? I’d like her to have similar values as mine,.. Maybe my demands are too much! I must say, I can’t be with someone with addictions!
I’ve been out looking… I’ve been so disappointed thus far!!! All, have been telling me lies! Saying what I wanted to hear… To sadly discover, they either had addictions, just wanting me in bed, or for financial benefits! Not that I’m rich! I wish! But I take care of myself & my things… I’m proud of my accomplishments (personal & professional).
Maybe I’ve got this all wrong! What??? Should I go for a 1st date dressed in rags, no makeup, etc? NO! I can’t do that! I Love who I am… Anyways all this to say that I’m discouraged! Yet, I believe that there is that special someone out there… She must be somewhere!?
Come out! Come out, where ever you are…. =D


Kristi September 22, 2012 at 8:31 PM

I keep getting continually rejected.
The odd thing is that I DO put myself out there and ask other lesbi/queer women out, but the answer is perpetually “no”.
I have tried online dating, only to have my messages ignored; I have tried lesbian discussion groups, only to find there was no one my age (I’m 21) mostly 30+..
I have tried lgbt youth groups only to find myself surrounded by teenagers still in high school..
I can’ t seem to find any groups targeted to the young adult(19-25) age range.
And on the odd occasion that I DO meet a cute eligible queer lady in my age range, she rejects me.
Damn, do I ever feel invisible.
And I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. Why does no one answer me online or seem to be interested in person? :S
Need special problem-solving help??


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