Dating should focus on fun and recreation and getting to know someone. At the same time perhaps it would help to remember, when you are having fun and getting along well with someone, it doesn’t mean you are compatible and that a long-term relationship will work.
When you first meet someone and there is an attraction and you are getting along easily, it is so easy to assume that you’re well matched. The reality is that short-term fun and long-term compatibility are not the same.
You started having sex and within a week ( or perhaps even overnight!), you’re a couple and then suddenly you’re meeting family, pets, ex-girlfriends, ex-husbands and becoming attached at the hip; all because you were having fun together. You’re talking about U-hauls!
What the heck is that about? Girls, our hormones work against us when it comes to casual sex. We aren’t really good at it. I’m not saying we aren’t good at sex! We aren’t good at being casual about it. That’s because we have the body with the baby making equipment. When we orgasm and when we breast-feed our bodies produce oxytocin. It’s a hormone that creates the emotion of connection and attachment.
We orgasm and we get connected. We breastfeed the newborn baby and now we can’t get rid of the little bugger. We know dads walk away from babies and we know that gay guys can easily have sex with all kinds of men and walk away. Not us, we are not built that way. (Well ok, some of us are built that way, but that’s another discussion.)
Having fun with someone and knowing that they meet your relationship requirements are two very different things. Requirements are nonnegotiable for you. To keep it short, requirements are what you must have for your relationship to work for you. And guess what, that other woman has her own list of requirements too. If one requirement is missing the relationship won’t work. Period. End of relationship. It could take you a long time to get to the end, but the end will come if your requirements aren’t met.
A recreational dating relationship can become a serious committed relationship. Let’s make that clear, but only if 100% of your requirements are met. If just one requirement is not met, you will have an unsolvable problem on your hands and eventually the relationship will fall apart.
Now I want you to think about all the couples you know; those that are tightly connected and those that are dating. And we know a lot more of the tightly connected ones right. How many of those women have let out the whisper that they aren’t completely happy. They aren’t feeling the love. They know this person isn’t really right but she’s better than being alone.
Or maybe you have friends who tell you they wish they hadn’t rushed into the relationship but now they feel stuck. Eekk! UGH! And BAD FORM Gay Girls!
The truth is that you’ve watched some of your good friends do this. Meet someone and they are having fun and in the blink of an eye they are a committed couple buying a house together. The two years later it’s Splitsville all over again. I’ve got two friends that I’ve promised to whack gently but firmly on the back of the head if they do this again.
So why are they together? Well because when they started dating it was fun, they thought they were compatible and they RUSHED into a relationship. Rushed into making a commitment before they really knew the other person and often ladies, we rush into things before we really know ourselves.
The one person we need to learn to love the most is ourselves. Why? Come on you know the answer right? When you love yourself and honor yourself first, you’ll treat others with that same respect and honor and – wait for it… – not get stuck in this kind of trap ever again. That’s beautiful!
To thine own self be true! Shakespeare got this one right. It means know yourself, know your requirements and don’t bend and don’t compromise on them.
Remember the first dating trap and the second and third? The driver of all of these less than sterling choices is our emotions and in particular FEAR! We have to fight those demons of fear. Fear that you’re not good enough to find a great match so take what’s on offer. Fear that you will always be alone; another emotion that will lead to less than great choices. And that fear that you’re really not loveable – that’s wrong too! Tell those whiny voices to shut up.
You are an amazing person and truly deserve to be loved deeply for who you are – shadows and shiny parts. The woman that loves all of you is someone that you’ll be compatible with for the long haul.
So even though the sex is great and she’s a load of fun… no address changes should be made with out taking time to dig deeper. Fess up to your friends and enlist them to help keep you on the path of sanity!
That’s a gift you give yourself and her. Make that your holiday present to yourself this year.
Now go hug a gay girl!
xo, Mary
Hey, I’m waiting for you to join the conversation on Facebook. What’s your big dating question and how can I help you find the love of your life… come on… tell me!
About Mary Gorham Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Mary is also an entrepreneur, business consultant, certified dating and relationship coach, speaker, writer, strategist, gay girl community builder, mentor, mom and lover of women of all stripes. She has worked for and consulted with Fortune 500 companies, national non-profits and managed multi-million dollar projects and helped women write their online profiles. She likes making women feel like “supah stahs.” She has also run multiple small businesses.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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