You are someone who believes it will all just happen. Magically, the woman of your dreams will one day appear and she’ll be all you’d dreamed she could ever be. You’ll fly off together into the sunset and live happily ever after. And you won’t have to do a thing, including dating to find her. Mmmmm….
Not gonna happen that way… Nope. Sorry, really I am. I wish life were that simple, but really it would be as boring as dirt if it were. And nobody likes boring.
When you were a girl, remember how Disney movies planted all those princess and prince stories in your handsome or pretty little head. You read books where the hero rushed in and saved the princess. You saw movies where the beautiful girl was smart and sassy but poor and overworked and some sexy guy showed up and saved her. Do you dream of winning the lottery? Getting a big inheritance? Being chosen to be the butch bachelorette picking from a bouquet of beautiful femmes on a secluded island? No. Phew glad to know you are not that delusional.
Many of us unconsciously expect that what we want in life will just appear and all we have to do is sit and wait. Again, my response to that is … WRONG. That’s not how the Law of Attraction works.
Life for most of us actually isn’t a reality TV show with the promise of winning a million dollars if you just don’t move. In real life, this mind-set does not work. Finding the love of your life is not about waiting to be picked. It is also not about sitting down and making a list of the 100 traits you want your ideal partner to possess.
Gay Girl Geometry Theorem #2 = Be the Chooser!
The key to success in life and dating is knowing yourself and your requirements for a relationship so that you become the chooser. Stop waiting to be picked. Stop being afraid of being rejected and get out there and be the chooser. Take responsibility for your life and your happiness.
And you’re asking how the hell do you do that. Ahhhh… that is one of my gay girl dating coach secrets and let me take you behind the curtain to look at some of those tidbits.
We all live by an invisible list of needs, values and rules. I’m going to tell you that if you were ever to do the work to dig into this box of tricks, your life would actually MAKE SENSE! And OMG wouldn’t that be amazing? I promise you it is.
Instead of being caught up in the fairy tale fantasy relationship, where you’re invisible but extremely powerful needs, values and rules run the show, knowing what’s driving you on the inside makes what happens in relationships clear for you. It’s a lot easier to engage in being and loving your amazing and beautiful best self and to believe that the woman you’ve been looking for will show up when you’ve cleared the fog away.
We all have six human needs. They are:
- Certainty – or the need to know that things won’t change.
- Uncertainty or Variety – the need for variety in our lives to prevent boredom.
- Significance – the need to feel special, unique and different from others.
- Love and Connection – the need to give love to others and through that love gain connection to others.
- Growth – what isn’t growing is dying.
- Contribution – the need to be a part of something that is bigger than ourselves.
The Fairy Tale dating trap is driven by the very human need for certainty and significance that has gotten a wee bit out of control. I can say that because I’ve struggled with the need to have certainty and to be significant in many relationships. Boy is it trouble sistah, big trouble. While powerful, seeking a relationship to fill your need for certainty and significance is not about love and connection and it will bite your pretty little ass sooner or later. Certainty and significance as primary drivers in a relationship will always result in the relationship failing. Bummer right!
It is not that we shouldn’t have those needs. That’s not the answer. The answer is that for a relationship to really work love and connection must be the primary drivers and the primary need that is being met. I know you’re saying to yourself right now, “well damn girl, isn’t that what I’m going after a relationship for anyway!” Well we think that’s what we are doing, when often we are trying to get another need filled first and love and connection as a need is there but further down the list. Maybe more like number 3 or 4 or 5 on the list instead of being number 1. When certainty and significance come in as the number 1 and 2 needs, we are sure to ended up in a mess.
We all want to have a fairy tale relationship. And it’s possible, why wouldn’t you want to have an amazing romance and a life long love who you are crazy for? You should have it but it’s gonna take some big shifts in your internal drivers to make that happen. Moving love and connection UP the list of needs is a starting place. Digging into and understanding what drives you will have an amazing affect on all of your relationships and on your love relationship most of all. Awesome right? Yes it is!
So for you, it’s about taking action. The right kind. It’s about learning to love yourself so fully that you radiate that joy. And that my friends, will draw the most wonderful relationships of all kinds into your life. If you are just sitting around waiting for your prince or princess to show up you are in the trap! You’re missing out on the gifts that life has to offer you. And I can tell you, life is waiting each and every day to hand you amazing gifts. Life is happening FOR you, not TO you!
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Thanks for being here and remember life is happening for you not to you! Now get out there and hug a gay girl today.
About Mary Gorham Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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