We’ve all experienced this. Our friends have said it and we’ve said it. “There’s no one around here to date.” Doesn’t matter if it’s a small city or big city, little town, big village, tiny hamlet or megalopolis. I’ve said it. You’ve said it. I’ve heard women from everywhere say this, even women from New York City where 8 million people live and that means there are upwards of 400,000 lesbians in one small geographic area. Wow. I mean can you say WOW! I spent most of my life living in a small city of 230,000! Let me say it again – WOW! What’s wrong with those New York City gay girls? Hmmm…. let’s see.
So what’s the problem really? What’s the unconscious choice? What’s the dilemma you are creating with this thinking? If 400,000 lesbians in a city still leaves you feeling like there just isn’t anyone to date what does a girl living way out in the country do?
Let’s call this the Scarcity Trap.
One dilemma with the Scarcity Trap is that you think you have to take what you can get or be alone. That fear of not being loved gets the upper hand on you. You settle for less than you want in a relationship because you believe there just isn’t enough to go around.
If you understand the Law of Attraction, what you’re setting in motion is a self-fulfilling prophecy because when you expect less, you get less.
Dating Math Equation #2:
Expect less = Get less = OUCH!!
There are articles all the time on the Internet about the best cities for this, that and the other thing. You name it and there’s a “best city” article about it. Of course there is an annual report by Forbes Magazine called “Best US Cities for Singles.” It ranks the forty largest U.S. metropolitan centers for best and worst to live if you are single. It uses a number of factors, including cost of living, job growth, culture and “coolness.”
Having lived in one of those cities for almost two years, Austin, Texas, I thought when I moved there that I was entering dating nirvana. The love of my life would be waiting for me in Austin. Austin is one of the top cities for “Bests” in the USA. It consistently scores as a top place to live, work, play, eat, listen to music, and almost anything else you can think of these days. I was sure being in Austin, a city of almost 2 million people, would cure the scarcity problem I was experiencing in Portland, Maine. It didn’t.
Sure I went on a few dates, but love and I did not find each other in Austin. What is more amazing is that I started a very successful lesbian meet-up group. It has over 1200 members. I still didn’t have any luck finding love but one big reason was that I just wasn’t willing to settle for less than I wanted in a relationship. I met some wonderful gay girls during that time, but either I was not right for her or she was not right for me.
I share this to illustrate this important trap. I’d lived in a small city and in a very large city and still I couldn’t find the right woman. I’ve dated women up and down the US Eastern Seaboard and still ended up single. If you are reading this and left feeling “Well, does that mean I’m screwed cause I live in the country” or perhaps “I can’t afford to be choosy.” Or, “There just aren’t enough women to go around, I’d better take what I can get.” The truth is that my own belief system was the biggest limitation to my meeting someone while I was in Austin. I just didn’t believe it was possible. Can you say – “Me Too!”
The reason there is a famous quote that says – What You Believe, You Can Achieve – is because it’s true! Believe you can and you can find the love of your life. The Scarcity Trap is driven by your own limiting beliefs. You don’t believe you are worthy of love therefore you are achieving just that. Wow, that sounds awful doesn’t it?
Let me ask you these questions. What are your relationship beliefs? Are they based on fear and limiting beliefs? Are they based on bad previous experiences? Here are a few limiting beliefs to think about:
- I’m not good enough
- I don’t deserve love
- I don’t deserve to be happy
- I’m not (attractive, successful, young, rich, thin, etc.) enough
- I’m too (old, unattractive, dysfunctional, late, unsuccessful, etc.) enough
- All the good ones are taken
- I have to take what I can get or be alone
- My ideal partner doesn’t exist or is already taken
- There is no such thing as a soul mate or true love
- I must be realistic with my expectations
How did that feel to read that list? Did you have any emotional reactions to these statements? Did any one or many ring your bell? If yes, then it applies to you. And it’s driving that Scarcity Trap thinking.
So how do you conquer this mind game? First, change that internal dialogue you’re having all the time. Stop telling yourself that there is no one for you and start telling yourself (out loud!) that there is a perfect match for you and you are going to find her. Set up a positive flow of energy and expectation. Get the law of attraction working for you! Get to work on changing your limiting beliefs cause the biggest limitation on your life is YOU!
Dating is not a numbers game. It’s about quality not quantity. It only takes one woman! By applying conscious dating strategies that are taught at Gay Girl Dating Coach you can find that one woman who fits the bill for you. And you’ll fit the bill for her too. This, my friend, is the perfect math equation:
One Gay girl + One Gay Girl = One Happy Couple!
Get my free mini-book with all 14 dating traps at www.gaygirldatingcoach.com right now!
And do tell your friends about Gay Girl Dating Coach. Let’s make our world a better place for all LGBT women everywhere.
Thanks for being here today!
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About the author:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, has grown from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older to be the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler with a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women everywhere. Hence… gay girl dating coach is online!
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than dating!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humour and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgendered women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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I live in NYC and have been to just about every lesbian bar in Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens. I can really relate to this article. Thanks for your site and for giving me hope. There IS a perfect match for me and I AM going to find her! (though no in a bar, I’ve stopped going). Thank you!